An Amish family from Pennslyvania decides to go to the Big Apple for the first Time in their lives; Mother, Father and their son. They go into the Empire State Building. As they're walking around they notice the elevator. Never seeing one before they stand in front of it bewildered. While staring at it, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to it, pushes the button, the door opens, she rolls herself inside and the door closes. The Amish family watches as the lights for each floor light as it goes up. They continue to watch as the numbers go down again. The door opens and out walks this tall gorgeous blonde. Legs to her neck. Great figure. Beautiful!

Paw looks at his son and says, "Quick boy, shove your mother in there!"

An African ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador.

For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer. On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette.  One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable.  Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.  Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.  When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay.

Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke,

"Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette".

He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.  The African ambassador said,

"These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex - take your pick".

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette.  He said,

"Well, OK, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:

"One of them's a cannibal."

Aussie wrote on Oct 11^th, 2015 at 8:53pm:


I see that Carney is suing the Cronulla Sharks for unfair dismissal...

I was having a dump in the train toilet today, when some bloke knocked on the door.
He said, "Can I see your ticket please?"
"Not right now" I shouted, "I'm having a dump!"
He said, "I don't believe you, can you pass it under the door?"
"No problem" I said, sliding it under, "The yellow bits are sweetcorn.


This fat girl tried to sit next to me on the bus today.
I said, "You can't sit there love."
She said, "You think I'm too fat."
I said, "No I don't, it's because I'm the f@#king driver."

I was walking through customs in the airport the other day on my way back from my holidays, when a police sniffer dog came up to me, the copper said 'My sniffer dog tells me you are carrying or maybe under the influence of drugs?' I said 'I'm the one on drugs?! Apparently you're the one who's got a f@#king talking dog !'

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

On behalf of Channel 7 Television, may I thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new reality show. Also the charming photograph of her you enclosed.
Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected,
I would like to point out that the correct title of the series is actually "Fact Hunt".


"IT'S A BOY"I shouted "A BOY,I DON'T BELIEVE IT,IT'S A BOY"
and with tears streaming down my face I swore i'd never visit another Thai brothel

The Men's Shed Meeting

We had a novel experience at a recent meeting of   our book club at the Men's Shed.

One of our senior members, Ted Roberts who is himself an author lauded for his timeless work
"Woodworking for Profit and Pleasure", came up with an interesting suggestion.

He said his wife thought that we should read a book called "Fifty Shades of Grey"
as we might learn something from it. Someone thought it would come in handy when re-painting the house.

The chaps were all asked to attend our next meeting with some notes relating to their experience
of reading the book and its relevance to our activities.

At the follow-up meeting we had an enthusiastic full house where the blokes recounted the literary
impact of the novel.
Here are their experiences:    

Bill Carruthers, 74
We tried  various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall.
But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nick Enwright, 86
She stood before me, trembling in my shed
“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”
So I took her to Bunnings.
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Ted Roberts, 79
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
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Tom Entwhistle, 73
Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jack Farthing, 78
“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.   
“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Hardcastle, 72
“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said,biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”   
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Colin Horrocks, 65
“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly.     “Harder!”                                                                                    
  “Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of   Nicaragua?”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Malcolm Riddock, 75
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience,
my rhubarb had come up a treat.
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Allen Cardly, 74
“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.“I think so,” I gulped.   
“Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.
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Humphrey Landsdowne, 56
Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.   
“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got a fat arse and no dress sense.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nicholas Benchley, 53
“Are you sure you want this?” I asked.
“When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded.
“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge furniture on eBay.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Toby Williams, 60
“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”   
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.