Blackadder - "Baldrick, you're fired."
Baldrick - (aghast) "Oh, but I've been in your family since 1532!"
Blackadder - "So has syphilis. Now get out."
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Baldrick to Percy: "You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly and the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the Court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be."
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Prince Ludwig the Indestructible (an evil German):"You find yourself amusing, Blackadder."
His admirably cocky prisoner Blackadder: "I try not to fly in the face of public opinion."
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Blackadder: "Bloody explorers, ponce off to Mumbo Jumbo land, come home with a tropical disease, a suntan and a bag of brown lumpy things, and Bob's your uncle, everyone's got a picture of them in the lavatory."
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Blackadder: "To you, Baldrick, the Renaissance was something that just happened to other people, wasn't it?"
************
Percy: "I'm sorry I'm late."
Blackadder: "No, don't bother apologising. I'm sorry you're alive."
**********
"Congrats. Stop. Have discovered only person in world less funny than you. Stop. Name - Baldrick. Stop. PS. Please, please, please - stop." (Blackadder's telegram to Charlie Chaplin, after seeing Baldrick's Chaplin impression)
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Blackadder: "Baldrick, your brain is like the four-headed, man-eating haddock fish-beast of Aberdeen."
Baldrick: "In what way?"
Edmund Blackadder: "It doesn't exist."
*******************
Baldrick: "I have a cunning plan to save the king."
Edmund Blackadder: "Ha! Well forgive me if a don't do a cartwheel of joy; your family's history in the department of cunning planning is about as impressive as Stumpy O'Leg McNolegs' personal best in the Market Harborough marathon."
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Blackadder: "Shut up, with the greatest respect, your Majesty."
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Blackadder: "Your head is as empty as a eunuch's underpants."
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Blackadder to the disgusting Baldrick: "You're the worst entertainer since St Paul the Evangelist toured Palestine with his trampoline act."
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Blackadder: "You're the worst cook in the entire world. There are amoeba on Saturn who can boil a better egg than you. Your Filet Mignon in sauce Béarnaise look like dog-turds in glue."
Baldrick: "That's because they are."
Blackadder: "Your plum-duff tastes like it's a molehill decorated with rabbit-droppings."
Baldrick: "I thought you wouldn't notice."
Blackadder: "Your cream custard has the texture of cat's vomit."
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Captain Blackadder: "Baldrick, what are you doing out there?"
Private Baldrick: "I'm carving something on a bullet, sir."
Captain Blackadder: "What are you carving?"
Private Baldrick: "I'm carving 'Baldrick', sir."
Captain Blackadder: "Why?"
Private Baldrick: "It's part of a cunning plan, sir."
Captain Blackadder: "Of course it is."
Private Baldrick: "You know how they say that somewhere there's a bullet with your name on it?"
Captain Blackadder: "Yeeees?"
Private Baldrick: "Well I thought that if I owned the bullet with my name on it, I'll never get hit by it. Cause I'll never shoot myself..."
Captain Blackadder: "Oh, shame!"
Private Baldrick: "And the chances of there being *two* bullets with my name on it are very small indeed."
Captain Blackadder: "Yes, it's not the only thing that is 'very small indeed'. Your brain for example - your brain's so minute, Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn't be enough to cover a small water biscuit."
*****************
Blackadder: "I've a horrid suspicion that Baldrick's plan will be the stupidest thing we've heard since Lord Nelson's famous signal at the Battle of the Nile: 'England knows Lady Hamilton's a virgin, poke my eye out and cut off my arm if I'm wrong' ".
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Captain Blackadder to Squadron Leader Flasheart: "Unfortunately most of the infantry think you're a prat. Ask them who they'd rather meet, Squadron Commander Flasheart or the man who cleans out the public toilets in Aberdeen, and they'd go for Wee Jock Poo-Pong McPlop every time."