Harold McMillan on John Foster Dulles:
"His speech is very slow, but it is well able to keep up with his ideas."

Blackadder - "Baldrick, you're fired."
Baldrick - (aghast) "Oh, but I've been in your family since 1532!"
Blackadder - "So has syphilis. Now get out."
***********

Baldrick to Percy: "You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly and the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the Court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be."
************

Prince Ludwig the Indestructible (an evil German):"You find yourself amusing, Blackadder."

His admirably cocky prisoner Blackadder: "I try not to fly in the face of public opinion."
************

Blackadder: "Bloody explorers, ponce off to Mumbo Jumbo land, come home with a tropical disease, a suntan and a bag of brown lumpy things, and Bob's your uncle, everyone's got a picture of them in the lavatory."
************

Blackadder: "To you, Baldrick, the Renaissance was something that just happened to other people, wasn't it?"
************

Percy: "I'm sorry I'm late."

Blackadder: "No, don't bother apologising. I'm sorry you're alive."
**********

"Congrats. Stop. Have discovered only person in world less funny than you. Stop. Name - Baldrick. Stop. PS. Please, please, please - stop." (Blackadder's telegram to Charlie Chaplin, after seeing Baldrick's Chaplin impression)
********************

Blackadder: "Baldrick, your brain is like the four-headed, man-eating haddock fish-beast of Aberdeen."
Baldrick: "In what way?"
Edmund Blackadder: "It doesn't exist."
*******************

Baldrick: "I have a cunning plan to save the king."
Edmund Blackadder: "Ha! Well forgive me if a don't do a cartwheel of joy; your family's history in the department of cunning planning is about as impressive as Stumpy O'Leg McNolegs' personal best in the Market Harborough marathon."
********************

Blackadder: "Shut up, with the greatest respect, your Majesty."
**********************

Blackadder: "Your head is as empty as a eunuch's underpants."
***********************

Blackadder to the disgusting Baldrick: "You're the worst entertainer since St Paul the Evangelist toured Palestine with his trampoline act."
***********************

Blackadder: "You're the worst cook in the entire world. There are amoeba on Saturn who can boil a better egg than you. Your Filet Mignon in sauce Béarnaise look like dog-turds in glue."

Baldrick: "That's because they are."

Blackadder: "Your plum-duff tastes like it's a molehill decorated with rabbit-droppings."

Baldrick: "I thought you wouldn't notice."

Blackadder: "Your cream custard has the texture of cat's vomit."

************************
Captain Blackadder: "Baldrick, what are you doing out there?"

Private Baldrick: "I'm carving something on a bullet, sir."

Captain Blackadder: "What are you carving?"

Private Baldrick: "I'm carving 'Baldrick', sir."

Captain Blackadder: "Why?"

Private Baldrick: "It's part of a cunning plan, sir."

Captain Blackadder: "Of course it is."

Private Baldrick: "You know how they say that somewhere there's a bullet with your name on it?"

Captain Blackadder: "Yeeees?"

Private Baldrick: "Well I thought that if I owned the bullet with my name on it, I'll never get hit by it. Cause I'll never shoot myself..."

Captain Blackadder: "Oh, shame!"

Private Baldrick: "And the chances of there being *two* bullets with my name on it are very small indeed."

Captain Blackadder: "Yes, it's not the only thing that is 'very small indeed'. Your brain for example - your brain's so minute, Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn't be enough to cover a small water biscuit."
*****************

Blackadder: "I've a horrid suspicion that Baldrick's plan will be the stupidest thing we've heard since Lord Nelson's famous signal at the Battle of the Nile: 'England knows Lady Hamilton's a virgin, poke my eye out and cut off my arm if I'm wrong' ".
*******************

Captain Blackadder to Squadron Leader Flasheart: "Unfortunately most of the infantry think you're a prat. Ask them who they'd rather meet, Squadron Commander Flasheart or the man who cleans out the public toilets in Aberdeen, and they'd go for Wee Jock Poo-Pong McPlop every time."

bogarde73 wrote on Feb 2^nd, 2014 at 1:27pm:



thats my fav as well..... so quick..such a put down.

Groucho Marx...I never forget a face but in your case I'll make an exception.

Groucho....I'd never belong to a club that would have me as a member.

Bette Davis...What a dump!

“Churchill: "Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?"
Socialite: "My goodness, Mr. Churchill... Well, I suppose... we would have to discuss terms, of course... "
Churchill: "Would you sleep with me for five pounds?"
Socialite: "Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!" Churchill: "Madam, we've already established that. Now we are haggling about the price”
― Winston Churchill.

Churchill was such a classic, my favourite

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.


Someone closer to home

"You (Richard Carleton) had an important place in Australian society on the ABC and you gave it up to be a pop star...with a big cheque...and now you're on to this sort of stuff. That shows what a 24 carat pissant you are, Richard, that's for sure"

On Former Labour politician, Jim McClelland (over the phone):

"That you Jim? Paul Keating here. Just because you swallowed a f***ing dictionary when you were about 15 doesn't give you the right to pour a bucket of poo over the rest of us."

"He is the greatest job and investment destroyer since the bubonic plague."

"Now listen mate," [to John Browne, Minister of Sport, who was proposing a 110 per cent tax deduction for contributions to a Sports Foundation] "you're not getting 110 per cent. You can forget it. This is a smacking Boulevard Hotel special, this is. The trouble is we are dealing with a sports junkie here [gesturing towards Bob Hawke]. I go out for a piss and they pull this one on me. Well that's the last time I leave you two alone. From now on, I'm sticking to you two like sh!t to a blanket.

"You've been in the dye pot again, Andrew."

Apparently Henry Parkes (NSW Premier 5 times and campaigner for federation) had a sharp wit. 

Member of Parliament to Parkes: Sir you are two-faced
Parkes: Obviously you're not or you wouldn't have brought that one.

George Reid's quick wit and affinity for humour were demonstrated when a heckler pointed to his ample paunch and exclaimed "What are you going to call it, George?" to which Reid replied: "If it's a boy, I'll call it after myself. If it's a girl I'll call it Victoria.

But if, as I strongly suspect, it's nothing but piss and wind, I'll name it after you."

From wiki