Yes really.

I think people in a committed relationship should try to make the relationship work, for sure. But i also think that if either partner falls in love with someone else, nto because they are lookign for someone but because they do for whatever reason- neglect or otherwise at home, well that is what has happened. there is little benefit in pretending otherwise. But sex is an actual action that is taken by choice- that is unfaithfulness.

This reads rather sad..I feel sorry for this woman and yet she feels bad..


The Lover's Perspective on Infidelity

In most affairs, there are three players: (1) the wayward spouse, (2) the wayward spouse's lover and (3) the wayward spouse's spouse. My goal as a marriage counselor has been to help the wayward spouse leave the lover and reconcile with his or her spouse. That goal is achieved in most of the cases I've witnessed. The husband and wife learn to meet each other's emotional needs, ending the risk of divorce and future unfaithfulness.

But what happens to the lover? My plan of reconciliation seems to give lovers the boot, ignoring their feelings entirely. But in fact, my plan does take the feelings of lovers into account, and there are important and positive steps they can take to come out of the situation emotionally healthy and happy.

My plan for the lover is explained in my answers to the letters I am posting this week. The first letter is written by a married lover, and the second by a single lover.




Dear Dr. Harley,
I have read many books, searching for solutions to my particular problem, but I have found nothing that helps me. I have been married for 23 years to a very unkind and abusive man. Even though I have tried very hard to be the wife he needs, he continues to be cruel to me and critical of whatever I do.

A year ago I found myself very much in love with my employer. His wife became suspicious, and threatened to leave him, so we ended the working relationship. I am sorry to tell you we have resumed seeing each other....although the once every 2 or 3 weeks is a far cry from the 5-days a week we were seeing each other when I worked for him. We have tried to stay away from each other, but it never lasts.

Very little is written to help the "other woman". Lots out there for the tempted male, and for the deceived wife, but virtually nothing to help us "others" get free of the desire and weakness. I have prayed every prayer I know to pray, I have fasted several times, I have had religious counseling,....but all fail when this man calls me, needing me. This is the first time I have ever felt truly "loved". The pull is so strong -- if I give him up, I will never have another warm, loving, passionate relationship as long as I live. What do you suggest

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this woman should leave her spouse if possible..he has not honoured his vows and she is suffering.

I would feel more betrayed by the sexual act- that is obvious from what I said, which was intended to answer the question. I view sex as an intentional act. Falling in love is not. Therefore I would feel more betrayed by the person who was intentionally hurting me.

I think a lack of love hurts and I do not like feeling unloved and unimportant. To me that he had sex with other women would be the significant factor. If he fell in love with someone else I would be hurt but I at least would not think he intended to hurt me. I would expect a lack of love to lead to a break-up though.

Sounds to me like this man attacked your self-esteem in a big way and it does not surprise me that you broke up. See, I think that  in choosing to be with other women sexually he is devaluing you and your relationship.  You are very very very likely better off without him- gives you a chance to build a new life.