Frank wrote on Sep 6
th, 2026 at 9:57pm:
WASHINGTON, DC — Citizens of the United States have proposed repealing the right for women to vote, but only for those women who vocally support child-murderer Lindsay Clancy.
A recent survey shows that while most Americans initially thought women voting was a good idea, the wave of public female support for serial child killer Lindsay Clancy has prompted many to feel that there ought to be some exceptions.
"Maybe we should have gone with 'Not-crazy-women's suffrage," said local man Tom Durden. "Don't get me wrong, I don't think women are inherently less able than men, or valuable, any of those things. I just don't think the people throwing up heart signs for toddler murder should be choosing our elected officials. Call me old-fashioned."
According the survey results, 94% of Americans agreed that women who support Lindsay Clancy should not be allowed to vote, run for office, or be anywhere near other human beings. "I'm a woman, but watching this unfold, I can admit it's time for some guardrails around the 19th Amendment," said local woman Clarissa Madsen. "Any chick who writes 'We are all Lindsay' on their Instagram account -- I'm sorry, but no ballot for you. Or sharp objects, or flames, or anything else."
U.S. — Millions of murderers across the country expressed overwhelming optimism today following reports that killing someone is effectively legal, provided the perpetrator informs authorities they were sad.
According to legal experts, centuries of criminal precedent had been rendered obsolete by the simple, groundbreaking defense of "feeling a little overwhelmed.""For years, we operated under the outdated assumption that taking a human life required accountability," defense attorney Arnold Carter explained. "We now understand that as long as you mention feeling sad beforehand, the entire legal system immediately pivots to asking if you've been getting enough self-care."
Hitman Frank Rizzoli noted that he planned to appeal his life sentence immediately on the grounds that his victims made him feel severely burnt out. "I didn't realize I could just say I was a little down that day and walk away clean."
"Looking back, I wasn't cold-blooded; I was just suffering from a profound lack of support from those around me," Rizzoli commented. "If I had known all I needed was a prescription note and some sympathetic press, I would have skipped the whole fleeing-the-country phase."
At publishing time, state prosecutors were reportedly dropping all pending murder indictments to instead issue court-ordered lavender tea and mandatory bubble baths
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