Activists demand Black English be pushed on kids in California preschools
The Black Californians United for Early Care & Education (BlackECE) is part of a movement to challenge “harmful language hierarchies and affirm Black English as a legitimate, rule-governed language rooted in Black history, culture, and community.”
(not satire)
Newsom: 'We Finna Teach Da Homies To Talk Black English Yo'
SACRAMENTO, CA — Following reports that activists were pushing the introduction of Black English in California preschools, Governor Gavin Newsom proudly proclaimed: "We finna teach da' homies Black English, yo!"
The California governor confirmed that he has many black friends and, as such, wanted to make Black English a centerpiece to every child's educational experience. "Because we want every child to learn to communicate with our black brothers and sisters, ya dig?" he said.
California Department of Education officials were initially hesitant to add Black English to the preschool curriculum, but completely caved once Newsom showed how fluent he was in Ebonics.
"I grew up in a po' black neighborhood, an' I know exactly what it mean to be a slave, dat's why we all gotta speak jive," Newsom said. "I'm totally like y'all, man, fo' real. I ain't rich, I'm a erryday governor just tryna make ends meet."
At publishing time, California's ranking in English test scores dropped to the lowest in the nation, even lower than that of rural West Virginia.
(not satire either)
Activists Push For California Schools To Teach 'Girl Math'
"For too long, the patriarchy has forced us to accept that two plus two equals four," said Karen Klipper, a 7th-grade math teacher and coalition spokesperson. "But what if two plus two is actually five if it's on sale? What if buying a $200 Sephora haul with a gift card you found in your purse makes the entire purchase free? These are the kind of real-world problems our girls need to solve."
Under the proposal, classic word problems about trains leaving stations at different speeds would be replaced with more relevant scenarios:
"If a latte has oat milk, does it count as groceries or discretionary spending?"
"Can two bowls of ice cream equal one if your boyfriend just dumped you?"
"You saved $12 by buying in bulk, so does that mean you can now afford the $85 skincare set?"
"Should you spend an additional $30 to hit the threshold for free shipping?"
"
Math shouldn't be about finding the ‘right' answer," Klipper added. "It should be about making sure every student feels seen, validated, and able to justify whatever they want on their credit card statement."
At publishing time, the Girl Math Liberation Front had joined forces with Black English advocates to create a groundbreaking new program called "Woke Numeracy and Linguistics," which will finally dismantle the white cis-hetero oppression of both math and grammar once and for all.
(ain't no satire neither, gurl)
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