"The nation's two largest supermarket chains have today confirmed that shoppers will soon be charged a per-minute tariff for breathing on the premises, citing ongoing instability in the Strait of Hormuz as the reason behind the new cost-recovery measure.

The announcement, delivered jointly from a press conference in the carpark of the Betoota Heights Westfield, sent a ripple of resigned acceptance through a crowd of locals who had long suspected this day was coming.

A Woolworths spokesperson, sweating anti-socially beneath a polyester green gingham shirt, explained that the Ambient Atmospheric Surcharge was a regrettable but necessary response to forces entirely beyond the duopoly's control.”