Melanias purse wrote on Feb 24^th, 2026 at 9:57am:

You ain't a role model, sniffer of diverse pantaloons, son of glorious Pakistan.

LONDON — British citizens have politely asked if perhaps they could be next on the list for liberation from radical Islam.

As they watched the crumbling Iranian government teeter after heavy military strikes overnight, the British populace yearned for someone to also come to their rescue.

"We see what those militaries have done for others, and we want that for us too," said local Englishman Dane Marcus. "Please, good sirs. Our country is no different than Iran, our citizenry subjugated by the vicious forces of radical Islam - only we talk in a much cooler accent. Come free us!"

The request for liberation has been delivered to President Trump, who is reportedly still considering military action. "What's happened in England, it's terrible. They've lost all their rights, it's like a third-world country, it's very sad," said Trump. "But, they've also treated me poorly, really nasty, to be honest. These British, they've said terrible things about me, your favorite President. I'm not sure they deserve to have me free them. Maybe they should have thought about how they talked to me before they went and got themselves conquered by radical Islamists."

At publishing time, Trump had decided to just liberate his English golf courses and put a little American base in the clubhouse.

Melanias purse wrote Today at 2:51pm:



LONDON — A recent poll conducted by the University of Oxford just revealed that "Allahu Akbar" has officially replaced "Cheerio, mate!" as the most popular greeting in the UK.

The results of the survey show "Allahu Akbar" beating out "Cheerio mate" in what experts are calling a "flippin' landslide, old bean."

"It's not really that surprising, what what?" said Baxter Edwin Bartleby III, a senior pollster. "Just reflects the social and cultural makeup of the jolly old Realm now, dunnit? Quite. 'Pon my Sam, I didn't b'leeve my peepers when I first took a goggle at the results, but it's right sensible once you think about it for a minute, innit? I use it all the time, myself. Deuced bad habit, I know — cultural appropriation and all that — but I guess it's our culture now, so that makes it better? Rather."

Bartleby was then stabbed repeatedly by a Libyan immigrant shouting "Allahu Akbar."

According to British pollsters, "Oi, wot-wot old cheese" is now the third most popular salutation in the UK, contrary to the popular American opinion that all good Englishmen say "G'day, Guvn'r!"

At publishing time, French linguistic research had shown that "Allahu Akbar" had also won out there over "Oui-oui mon frérè haû-hâù-háü!!"