JERUSALEM — What had been hailed as one of the wisest decisions of all time was declared null and void today, as a federal judge overturned King Solomon's verdict and ordered a baby from a recent maternity dispute to be cut in two.

People throughout Israel had praised the king for his shrewd judgment in the case, in which two women each claimed to be the baby boy's rightful mother. Solomon had wisely suggested that the woman who was more willing to give up her rights to the child than see him come to harm was the baby's true mother, but a federal judge ruled that the decision was not legal under Israel's constitution and that the baby must be chopped in half.

"The king has no authority to make this order," said Judge Ahithophel the Boasbergite. "Just because Solomon is king over all of Israel and sits on the throne of his father David doesn't mean he has the power to tell people what to do. It is my opinion that he overreached his jurisdiction in this case, thereby making his ruling to award the child to that woman illegal. Thus, the previous judgment stands. Cut ‘im in half."

King Solomon was outraged by what he called "judicial activism" and made his feelings known in a proclamation shouted by his Truth Social crier:

"THIS CROOKED JUDGE HAS NO IDEA WHAT HE'S DOING. AS THE KING OF ISRAEL, I HAVE FULL AUTHORITY TO MAKE ALL RULINGS AND DECISIONS AS I SEE FIT. THIS IS JUST ANOTHER ATTEMPT BY THE RADICAL LEFT TRIBES OF ISRAEL TO OBSTRUCT MY MISSION TO MAKE ISRAEL GREAT AGAIN. HE MUST BE IMPEACHED. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER!"

At publishing time, Judge Ahithophel the Boasbergite had annulled 485 of King Solomon's marriages.

Sprintcyclist wrote Yesterday at 8:45pm:




SEATTLE, WA - The Babylon Bee had the honor of sitting down with a local brave #resistance fighter to learn more about the fearless counterculture fighting against hate and other bad stuff like that. According to Doy Keeblesmush, a leader of the local resistance movement in Seattle, the ideology consists of whatever the media, universities, corporations, and Hollywood tell them they should think.

"Yeah, I'm pretty much a free thinker," said Keeblesmush when interviewed at a protest rally sponsored by Kinko's. "I would say my ideology is an eclectic mix of Vox, Marvel comics, Starbucks' Twitter feed, and whatever my Sociology 101 professor says. There's a lot of hate and misinformation out there, so it's important that I get my life's moral compass entirely from multi-billion dollar corporations and celebrities. The only exception is dead German philosophers like Marx. They're cool too."

According to Keeblesmush, blindly following the prevailing winds of culture as dictated by trends and hype is the best way of making sure one is on the "right side of history."

"It's important to be on the right side of history since that is literally the only way to determine whether something is right or wrong!" said Keeblesmush. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to attend an afternoon boycott of MyPillow organized by Tempur-Pedic."