So just up the road from me this woman spangled a rabid raccoon to death with a shovel after it ripped her dog to pieces. Which got me thinking about one of the founders of the legendary underground hippyzine Oz (and now gazillionaire publishing tycoon) Felix Dennis, who once whacked out a mag called Kung Fu International - despite knowing absolutely nothing about his subject matter.

So how about International Rabid Badger Attack as a magazine concept? We could edit it together in your bedroom, you and me on your parent-bought computer and it won't just be limited to stories about rabid badgers. That would be stupid. There'd be plenty of stuff about rabid lemurs, raccoons, zebras, skunks and other black and white striped fauna; monkeys that have been painted black & white and then injected with rabies (I know a guy in Nebraska who can get us a shitload of ex research lab spider monkeys dead cheap with the added bonus that a lot of they’d already be borderline psychotic anyway). All going totally smacking mental and trying to bite people.

What we'd do is get a sackful of the monkeys, juice them up with 'roids, speed and rabies and then toss them into the faces of celebrities while they're being paparazzi'd. Look out, Brad and Angelia! It's a mad smacking monkey! SCREEEEEEEEEE! CHOMP! AAAAARGH! MY FACE! IT'S BITTEN MY smacking FACE OFF! JESUS smacking CHRIST, IT HURTS! (FLASH! FLASH! FLASH!)

Flash, bang, wallop - every front-page in the smacking world. Cost? Nothing. Result!

MAN IN STREET: I must say, I find this top celebrities being savagely attacked by black & white striped rabid mammals phenomenon very interesting.

WOMAN: Yes, so do. I

SECOND MAN: I agree. What a pity there isn't a full color magazine dedicated to that very subject where one could read all about it and look at some good pictures of celebrities like F A T Trump being swarmed by scores of gibbering hydrophobic zebra fetuses, for instance.

TYPICAL FOX NEWS EDITOR: But there is! That's right, exciting magazine fans! It's called:

INTERNATIONAL RABID BADGER ATTACK! You can find it in your local Barnes & Noble stores now - cost 99 cents!

(A large sack is opened over his head and ego-tripping douchebag Stephen Miller is suddenly blanketed by a screaming carpet of biting, clawing, shitting, pissing and stink-gland-excreting adult skunks with rabies. We can tell from his terrified screams that this is real, not staged)

ONLOOKERS: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

VOICE OVER: Issue one comes complete with this hand painted figurine of Tom Cruise shitting himself in terror as he watches as a visibly priapic rabid giant panda bite that lisp-speaking ex-wife of his head off. Week by week, INTERNATIONAL RABID BADGER ATTACK builds into a fascinating library of diseased black & white animal-on-celebrity violence. SHUDDER as a naked Miila Kunis and Ashton Kucher flee screaming from a flock of frothing loons! SQUIRM as Leonardo DiCaprio's rotting limbless torso is used a beach ball by sadistic killer whales! HARDEN as you learn the horrific details of Bill O' Rielly's 4-hour genital mutilation ordeal at the hands of psychotic penguins! And BARK LIKE A DOG as you read about the day the Pope learnt the true meaning of the phrase - "Look out, your Holiness! It's 101 Dalmatian puppies - AND THEY'RE ALL AS MAD AS smacking HITLER!"

I think it's a go. I could be in that editor's chair and banging out the first editorial - COULD ONE MENTAL MONKEY BITE REALLY TURN AMERICA'S YOUTH INTO A SUPER-FAST ZOMBIE INFESTED PLAGUE HOLE LIKE IN THAT MOVIE? - with just 48 hours notice.

Whadya think?



* Oh my GOD! Could one of you please contact Warner Brothers Records IMMEDIATELY! Seriously, this is an EMERGENCY! There's a seal on my new Goldie Lookin' Chain CD, you see, that says "Please contact Warner Music GROUP immediately if this seal has been tampered with or broken" and I only left it on the desk for five minutes while I went to make a triple espresso but when I came back - THE SEAL WAS BROKEN! And there were pirates! And a devil blacksmith! And they were sticking the nozzle of a sort of vacuum cleaner thing into the CD and siphoning off the creative genius within WITHOUT PAYING FOR IT. And at the other end of this vacuum cleaner thing was a nozzle and out of it were coming guns and bombs - FOR TERRORISTS AND PEDOPHILES.

Oh, and speaking of watching movies while high. I just binge watched 'Don't Move' (or Non ti muovere) - What a grotesquely ridiculous Italian melodrama. This film works on its own terms as a fetid study of sexual obsession across the class divide. Stars Penelope Cruz who really needed a career redemption as a peroxide-streaked Albanian waif who gets raped by writer-director Sergio Castellittos surgeon in the films opening. When he comes back to do her again, the two start in on this weird spiky S&M affair and that’s just when the movie gets surprisingly convincing even strangely rich in feeling. Pancaked in make-up leather mini-skirts as high as her neckline, all bruised, tragic eyes, Cruz hasn't looked this good since her turn in Almodovars All About My Mother

Marla wrote on Sep 28^th, 2025 at 12:39am:

Since Jamon, Jamon, actually.

Marla is as high as kite.   

Baronvonrort wrote on Sep 28^th, 2025 at 12:29am:

Bobby. wrote on Sep 28^th, 2025 at 8:14am:

Marla wrote on Sep 28^th, 2025 at 1:24pm:




Hi, Marla.

That reminds me of something I saw 20 years ago (whatever happened to Ann Coulter?)

Marla wrote on Sep 28^th, 2025 at 12:51pm:


That you'd even know who he is is very telling.