Keir Starmer’s Britain: Where Fiction Is Mandatory
In a move that’s definitely not dystopian, Keir Starmer has announced Labour’s new education policy: "fiction is now mandatory, truth is conditional, and moral outrage is allocated based on the victim’s ethnicity, gender, and sexual proclivities. "
At the centre of this re-education experiment is Adolescence, a Netflix drama now being rolled out in schools. It claims to be “based on a true story”—in the same way EastEnders is based on real London life. In truth, a young girl was murdered. In the show, the black killer has been quietly race-swapped into a white, working-class boy radicalised by podcasts and a lack of youth club access.
Primary children will now be required to chant "transwomen are women" at assembly. Once a great place to start the day with "Shine Jesus Shine" or other old skool Christian assembly bangers, Christianity has now been declared a "gateway to the Far Right", and any child caught promoting outdated ideology like, "Peace, Tolerance and Forgiveness", will be immediately excluded under the new scheme.
Instead, children of junior age will take part in workshops where they apologise for their skin tone while crocheting Pro Hamas slogans into doilies. The PSHE syllabus will include a ceremonial apology for the British Empire with a performance of Toxic Masculinity: The Musical, funded by the Department for Equalities and Interpretive Dance.
To help ease NHS spending on contraception and abortion, Bonnie Blue and Lily Phillips will now lead nationwide anal sex workshops, teaching schoolgirls how to avoid pregnancy while staying culturally open-minded. The pilot scheme—Back Door to Empowerment—has been described as “inclusive, lubricated, and uncomfortably funded.” And, in a special school assembly next week, Bonnie Blue will demonstrate how British girls can reframe their gangrape as "cultural hospitality"—a progressive act of openness, bravery, and surrender to imported values.
Meanwhile, Labour continues to obsess over misogyny in white working-class boys, while just days ago they celebrated Eid by praising the Ottoman Empire—a regime best known for child slaves, sexual harems, and flaying people alive for apostasy.
Diane Abbott added, “It’s vital we teach white working-class boys not to grope women, while simultaneously respecting cultures where it’s illegal to show a woman’s elbow.”
Recognising that made up stories on TV are more valuable than actual facts, other exciting reforms include a complete overhaul of professional training, replacing education with entertainment:
Barristers will no longer study law, but instead watch Rumpole of the Bailey in combination with Jim’ll Fix It, before sitting an oral exam titled When Banter Becomes Evidence.
Police officers will be trained watching The Bill, specialising in community cohesion, progressive tasering, and apologising for stop and search in three languages.
The prison service will be trained entirely from watching Prisoner: Cell Block H, with coursework on inclusive strip searches, hormone logistics, and gender-neutral riot suppression.
Medical students will now qualify by diagnosing fictional conditions from Casualty, followed by a Grey’s Anatomy quiz on who cried hardest during surgery.
New farmers will be trained via The Archers, focusing on rural conflict resolution, organic cow consent, and how to build a polytunnel during a panic attack.
MI5 recruits will be selected using escape rooms themed on Spooks, James Bond and The Night Manager.
Aspiring teachers must binge-watch Waterloo Road, learn how to spot unconscious bias in a lunchbox, and pass an exam on glue-sniffing prevention based entirely on the lyrics to “Just Say No”.
And above it all looms Adolescence—a state-mandated hallucination where children learn that truth is racist, fiction is sacred, and everything can be healed with guilt and a musical number.