Yeah, I was worried about accusations of inappropriate behaviour by a senior member of the staff.

OXFORD — Eminent behavioral scientists at the University of Oxford have recently unveiled a new feminist theory of human emotions. Specifically, the theory holds that feminists are always angry because they don't have a man to tell them to calm down when they get angry.

The theory, which was first published in an article in the journal "Behavioral and Brain Sciences" a few months ago, has gained significant traction among researchers who were formerly befuddled as to why feminists are so irate and hysterical all the time.

"This really clears things up," stated Dr. Henry Richardson, a noted feminist researcher and one of the paper's primary authors. "For years, we were mystified by how angry these gals managed to get. We ran laboratory experiments, double-blind trials, we put them on placebos at different times in the month…nothing worked. And then, late at night, I was in the office puzzling over it, and I realized — maybe they just don't have a man around to tell them to calm down!"

"It was my eureka moment," Richardson continued. "I can retire happy now."

Behavioral therapists have already begun to implement the theory's insights by prescribing one ordinary man who can say the magic words "Why don't you just calm down, honey? You need to calm down" to any rage-filled feminists they encounter. The treatment's success rate is unconfirmed as yet, but initial reports place it as high as 4%.

At publishing time, fashion experts had released a theory that hypothesizes that feminists all dress so stupidly because they don't have a man around to tell them that dresses look nice.


The science is settled. 

I like to give women the last word. I sat with a former housemate who was having trouble with her boyfriend. I asked her if she wanted to talk and to hear her side of the story. Before then, it was difficult to hear her, as she did not want to have anything to do with me.

I listened to her. She said what she wanted to say. I gave her advice. She appreciated that. I went to bed. Talked again the next night. She was more forthcoming. I gave her words of encouragement. She felt better. She genuinely hung up on her boyfriend, when he phoned to apologise.

I have to admit, if I had remembered to lock my bedroom door that night, I would not have woken up with her trying to bend me with her slippery banana peels.

SHINAR — Following the confusion of languages at the Tower of Babel, local merchant Ur-Nammu was witnessed pretending not to understand his wife in an attempt to get out of housework.

"¿Que?" Ur-Nammu reportedly said whenever his wife asked him to do anything, pretending he was fluent in a new language known as Español. "¿Wash... dish-es? ¿Que? No comprendo."

Ur-Nammu's bride, Yanna, was beside herself with frustration. Following the incident at the tower, her father and mother both spoke different languages and now her husband allegedly could not understand her. Yet he only said one word over and over; a word which sounded a lot like "okay." Only after confronting him about all the work he hadn't been doing did she learn he couldn't understand her.

"Everything has been so crazy since that weird stuff at the tower," she said. "He was always helpful with chores and willing to do home improvement projects around the house, but now, every time I ask him to do something for me, it's like he has no idea what I'm saying."

Ur-Nammu's treachery was only discovered after he stubbed his toe and cursed loudly in their native tongue.

"Ok, you got me," he said. "I was really just tired of taking out the trash. Oh well, it was nice while it lasted."

At publishing time, Ur-Nammu was last seen trying to convince God that his wife was trying to build another tower to reach heaven in hopes that He would smite her with a plague.