Frank wrote on Jul 30
th, 2025 at 10:50pm:
American Eagle Apologizes, Replaces Sydney Sweeney With Fat Transgender Double-Amputee Of Color
https://media.babylonbee.com/articles/6888f5b63b56e6888f5b63b56f.jpgPITTSBURGH, PA — Social justice warriors scored another victory today, as retail chain American Eagle issued a public apology and replaced Sydney Sweeney in its ad campaign with a fat, transgender double amputee of color.
The new campaign featuring Sweeney had caused controversy after American Eagle was accused of choosing an attractive young Caucasian woman to sell their clothing, which is a well-known Nazi dog whistle.
The company aimed to quickly rectify this by replacing Sweeney with the most intersectionally diverse fashion model of all time.
"We're really sorry for giving people someone pleasant to look at," said American Eagle spokesperson Eliott Dorton. "We mistakenly believed that featuring a beautiful woman wearing our jeans would make people want to see our commercials and buy our products, but we instead unintentionally outed ourselves as horribly racist Nazis. We deeply apologize to anyone who was offended by someone visually appealing, and we have officially changed course today by replacing Ms. Sweeney with Chantrese Underwood, a body-positive disabled man who identifies as a woman. We trust that this correction will put us back in everyone's good graces. Thank you."
The brand's new face was thrilled to get the call. "I'm grateful for the opportunity," Underwood said. "As a fat, transgender double amputee of color, I haven't seen much representation in fashion ads, so it's nice to be a part of changing that. I look forward to rolling my chair down the runway and showing the world just how fat and transgender I can be."
At publishing time, American Eagle had also issued a formal apology for its prominent depictions of the American flag, eagles, and the fact that the word "American" is in its name.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Clothing retailer American Eagle's new advertising campaign hit an unexpected obstacle today, as a federal judge ordered actress and new brand spokeswoman Sydney Sweeney to gain 100 pounds and get an ugly butch haircut.
Judge Eileen Bauer, an Obama appointee to a D.C.-area district court, issued an emergency ruling that Sweeney's attractiveness violated the law and demanded that she pack on weight to become as visually unappealing to consumers as possible.
"This type of brazen attractiveness cannot be allowed to stand," Bauer said in her ruling. "It is the responsibility of the court to hold corporations to a specific legal standard, which, in this case, means American Eagle is prohibited from featuring a thin, blonde, white woman in its advertisements. It is hereby the opinion of the court that Ms. Sweeney put on a minimum of 100 pounds right this minute and cut her hair or face disciplinary action."
Legal analysts said the landmark ruling set an important precedent for both advertising standards and judicial authority. "A federal judge has spoken, and we all know that is the ultimate authority over mankind," one expert said. "America cannot be allowed to turn into a country where companies can make their products appeal to consumers. Kudos to Judge Bauer for having the courage to stand up for the law and force this good-looking young woman to become less healthy and attractive."
At publishing time, Judge Bauer had issued an additional ruling that would further require Sweeney to get a septum piercing and a face tattoo.
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