Iran on the brink of acquiring wind farm technology, warn experts

Iran is facing growing international condemnation after the international wind energy watchdog (IWEA) revealed the country is on course to have a fully operational wind farm by the end of 2012. The IWEA report concluded there was evidence that Iran had embarked on a credible programme of wind technology and that the country had repeatedly sought to acquire the raw materials for production including solenoids, rivets and large rotary blades, but also warned that the technology, if allowed to proliferate, would simply ruin the view from Israel.

Israel, with full backing from the United States has warned of reprisals if its position as top green energy provider in the region is undermined. Prime Minister Netenyahu has already ratcheted up the pressure threatening pre-emptive programmes of gigantic arrays of solar panels which automatically follow the sun but which, he assured assembled media, would at certain times of the day be pointing directly at Tehran. He also refused to rule out building a high wall or fast-growing hedge around Israel’s borders to obscure the worst of the view and keep out the noise.

Experts believe the Iranian turbines if allowed to run as intended could produce in excess of 80KWh, a fraction of the energy unleashed in an entirely unrelated incident at Hiroshima. The hard-line Iranian regime, however, insists its wind energy programme is purely for the benefit of the Iranian people and is essential if it is to meet its target of twenty percent of energy production from renewables by the end of 2030. It also dismissed as ‘Zionist nonsense’ the idea that wind power could be switched on in less than forty five minutes, or that Tel Aviv would be kept awake by the incessant hum.

Yet many analysts believe the global condemnation will make little difference and that the prospect of a world in which an Islamic turbine operates at two hundred revolutions per minute within 150 miles of the Jewish state is now a foregone conclusion. Western governments have already begun blacklisting the Iranian central bank in a bid to halt funding for the project although the turbines’ German manufacturer has been allowed to continue contact as it has a lovely little computer virus which it is sure will allow the turbines to spin so fast that they come off their axles.

Ali Al Chakrabati, a spokesman for the Iranian regime last night hit back at the sanctions saying none of this would have happened if Israel hadn’t erected a great big mobile phone mast next to the Gaza Strip. ‘This is an argument that we do not want but if they want to pursue it who knows where it will end,’ he said. ‘We’ll talk about it, try and find a solution, and if all that fails and it starts getting personal, we’ll lob some nuclear missiles at them. We already have plenty of those.’

---

I Brush My Teeth With Coal, Says Brown

COAL is so clean and fresh that the prime minister brushes his teeth with it, Downing Street said last night.



Mr Brown said advances in coal technology meant it was now one of the cleanest substances on Earth, and an unrivalled remover of stains and scaling.

The prime minister is also storing all of his important documents in files made from coal, and using coal to remove dirty marks from his trousers and underpants.

A Downing Street spokesman said: "Coal not only removes stubborn stains and plaque, it's also an excellent source of clean energy. Especially when you set fire to it."

He added: "The prime minister loves the stuff and will often hand round large pieces of coal for ministers to lick at during Cabinet meetings."

Nikki Hollis, an environmentalist, said she was amazed to discover that coal was so clean and tasty compared to other forms of energy.

She said: "I stood next to a wind farm for a second and was covered in soot and ashes while the ground around me was strewn with dying baby rabbits and butterflies coughing up blood.

"Coal fired power stations do emit small amounts of CO2 but, thanks to new technology, you can just scoop it all up with a big spoon and put in a bucket."