A traveller through England on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. 
Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home, but was stopped by the Australian Customs Agents, at the airport.

"May I  see your identification, please?" asked the  agent. "I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the bloke.

"Sure   mate, I hear that every day. No ID, no  entry," said the agent.
"But I can prove I'm  an Australian!" he exclaimed.
"I have a  picture of Bob Hawke tattooed on one  side of my arse and Paul Keating on the other.."

"This I gotta see”, replied the agent. With that, the bloke dropped his
strides and showed the agent his behind.

"By hell, you're  right!" exclaimed the agent.  "Have a safe trip back to
Melbourne ."

"Thanks!" he said."But  how did you know I was from Melbourne ?"

The agent  replied, "I recognized Gillard in the  middle."

A Christian and a Buddhist are sitting at the table having breakfast.

The Christian puts spread on his piece of toast and passes the margarine to the Buddhist who does the same.

The Christian looks at the Buddhists piece of toast and says, "I can see Christ's face in that spread."

The Buddhist takes a closer look at his toast and says....

"I can't believe it's not BUDDHA!!!"

     

A guy goes to the doctor claiming to have a strawberry stuck in his bum.

The doctor takes a look and says "No worries, I'll just give you some cream for that'.


So silly its funny.

The Little Rabbit

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says,”Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so much better!”

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, “Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the pretty forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so good!”

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up heroin…”Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!”

The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the sh!t out of the little rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, and ask him “Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!”

The lion answers, “Every time he’s on Ecstasy that little fvcker makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours!”

Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield.............
These are sample of what he said......
He was funny.............



My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

Its tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

Please delete wrote on Jul 17^th, 2011 at 7:26pm:


Yep, that'll do it everytime

Sprintcyclist wrote on Aug 4^th, 2011 at 12:03pm:



LOL...no doubt the programmer, who obviously lacked the skills to program any semblance of artifical intelligence, was a Liberal-voter - with no concept of EQ - artificial or otherwise...

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple  tree.  "I was wondering if either one of you  wanted that ability."
Adam jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great!  When  I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..."
On and on he went.
Eve just smiled and shook her head. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.
And so it was.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts.  "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."