Australian Politics Forum

Wattle Grove

Ex Member

Re: Joke time
Reply #270 - Mar 10^th, 2011 at 9:17pm

A man applying for a job at a Mildura Lemon Orchard seemed to be far
too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: Have you had
any actual experience in picking lemons?"

He replied: "I've been divorced three times, bought a Leyland P76, a
Beta video player and took up all the Telstra floats. Then I voted for
John Howard 4 times.

"How am I doing so far?"

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BatteriesNotIncluded

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MediocrityNET: because
people died for this!

Posts: 26966

Re: Joke time
Reply #271 - Mar 11^th, 2011 at 5:30pm

Bobby. wrote on Mar 9^th, 2011 at 4:52pm:

Verge wrote on Mar 9^th, 2011 at 3:47pm:

I got pulled over by the Cops the other day with my girlfriend in the car.

He walks up, looks in and takes a long look at my girlfriend, then looks at me and says "Sir, have you been drinking?"

I said "Come on man she's only a little overweight - she's not that fat."

Ps - dont tell above joke to wives/girlfriends/potentials

Very funny for a Libbo. Grin

It's funny because it's true.... Huh

... well, you know, almost!

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*Sure....they're anti competitive as any subsidised job is. It wouldn't be there without the tax payer. Very damned difficult for a brainwashed collectivist to understand that I know.... (swaggy) *

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nichy

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Australian Politics

Posts: 1812
Gender: female

Re: Joke time
Reply #272 - Mar 14^th, 2011 at 10:59am

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************

[u]

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

[/u

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

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"He who does not value life does not deserve it." -- Leonardo da Vinci&&&&

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Bobby. Gold Member Offline Australian Politics Posts: 120513 Melbourne Gender:	Re: Joke time Reply #273 - Mar 14^th, 2011 at 3:42pm Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it in, and the other to say "Fabulous!"
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Equitist

Gold Member

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Australian Politics

Posts: 9632
NSW

Re: Joke time
Reply #274 - Mar 20^th, 2011 at 8:51pm

I really like the ATM one!

My son just drew my attention to this: -

Quote:

What to do when you're bored on an elevator.

1. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cellphone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

4. Swat at flies that don't exist.

5. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!!"

6. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

7. Sit down, take your shoe off, and ask people if they'd like to play 'Spin the bottle'.

8. Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they hear something ticking.

9. Ask if you can push the Burton for the other person, but push the wrong ones.

10. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

11. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

12. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."

13. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space!"

14. Make a loud fart sound then exclaim, "Was that you?! There's no way I could do that one because unfortunately mine don't come out loud."

15. Before the elevator door opens shout "DING!" and then laugh and say, "Beat you again Mr. Elevator."

16. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

17. Take your dog, wear sunglasses and repeatedly walk into the walls whilst pretending to not hear the other passenger's direction.

18. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

19. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi, Greg. How's your day been?"

20. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!!" and back away slowly.

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Lamenting the shift in the Australian psyche, away from the egalitarian ideal of the fair-go - and the rise of short-sighted pollies, who worship the 'Growth Fairy' and seek to divide and conquer!

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Foolosophy

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Australian Politics

Posts: 1171
Australia
Gender: female

Re: Joke time
Reply #275 - Mar 20^th, 2011 at 9:05pm

Quote:

A man applying for a job at a Mildura Lemon Orchard seemed to be far
too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: Have you had
any actual experience in picking lemons?"

He replied: "I've been divorced three times, bought a Leyland P76, a
Beta video player and took up all the Telstra floats. Then I voted for
John Howard 4 times.

"How am I doing so far?"

I dont get it - the P76 wasn't all that bad a car

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nichy Gold Member Offline Australian Politics Posts: 1812 Gender:	Re: Joke time Reply #276 - Apr 7^th, 2011 at 8:46pm
Back to top	"He who does not value life does not deserve it." -- Leonardo da Vinci&&&& IP Logged

Maeve Senior Member Offline Australian Politics Posts: 304	Re: Joke time Reply #277 - Apr 8^th, 2011 at 3:05pm Nichy, I just watched that video and had tears running down my face by the time it ended.
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Sprintcyclist Gold Member Offline OzPolitic Posts: 41834 Gender:	Re: Joke time Reply #278 - Apr 9^th, 2011 at 3:57pm oh, that was very good !!!!!!!!!!!!
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It_is_the_Darkness Gold Member Offline Australian Politics Posts: 4000 in a ReTardis Gender:	Re: Joke time Reply #279 - Apr 9^th, 2011 at 4:00pm If you wanna get a good amount of jokes: visit "Rainy Funny Fridays" upon "Hanging on the Deco Bar" via the "Dive Oz" Forum.
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nichy

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Australian Politics

Posts: 1812
Gender: female

Re: Joke time
Reply #280 - Apr 20^th, 2011 at 12:48pm

A Scotsman, an Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, a Kiwi, a Malaysian, a Springbok, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Norwegian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss all went to a nightclub....

The doorman said ........................

"Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai"

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"He who does not value life does not deserve it." -- Leonardo da Vinci&&&&

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Soren

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Posts: 25654
Gender: male

Re: Joke time
Reply #281 - Apr 28^th, 2011 at 8:03pm

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated,
"You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.

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Soren Gold Member Offline Posts: 25654 Gender:	Re: Joke time Reply #282 - May 6^th, 2011 at 2:57pm A man walks into a bar and orders a Bin Laden Bartender asks, what’s a Bin Laden? Man says 2 shots with a splash of water.
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creep

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Australian Politics

Posts: 1881

Re: Joke time
Reply #283 - May 8^th, 2011 at 3:04pm

Don't know if this one has been posted, as it's an oldie but a goodie.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
An old woman lived alone in her home with her cat. One day, she was rummaging through the attic and she came across a lamp. She rubbed it and out popped a genie from the lamp.

"Your wishes are my command. You have three wishes. Use them wisely."

"Oh dear, three wishes...I don't know...I wish I was rich."

"Your wish is granted." Poof, suddenly the woman was surrounded by gold, silver and riches of all kinds.

"Oh dear, second wish - let me see." She thought long and hard and said, "I wish I was a young and beautiful woman again to enjoy these riches."

"Your wish is granted." Poof, the old woman was transformed into a stunning beauty but as she looked around, she suddenly realized that she was beautiful and rich but very all alone.

The genie said, "C'mon lady, I don't have all day. One wish left, make it good."

"Oh my, I wish my old and faithful cat, Buddy, was a handsome young prince."

"That's it, last wish coming right up." Poof and the genie vanished.

The woman turned and standing behind her was Buddy - her faithful companion through the years who was now a handsome young prince. Buddy took her in his arms, inhaled the sweetness of her youth, kissed her tenderly on the cheek and whispered in her ear,

"Now, aren't you sorry that you had me neutered?"

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Bobby.

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Australian Politics

Posts: 120513
Melbourne
Gender: male

Re: Joke time
Reply #284 - May 12^th, 2011 at 9:40am

creep wrote on May 8^th, 2011 at 3:04pm:

Don't know if this one has been posted, as it's an oldie but a goodie.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
An old woman lived alone in her home with her cat. One day, she was rummaging through the attic and she came across a lamp. She rubbed it and out popped a genie from the lamp.

"Your wishes are my command. You have three wishes. Use them wisely."

"Oh dear, three wishes...I don't know...I wish I was rich."

"Your wish is granted." Poof, suddenly the woman was surrounded by gold, silver and riches of all kinds.

"Oh dear, second wish - let me see." She thought long and hard and said, "I wish I was a young and beautiful woman again to enjoy these riches."

"Your wish is granted." Poof, the old woman was transformed into a stunning beauty but as she looked around, she suddenly realized that she was beautiful and rich but very all alone.

The genie said, "C'mon lady, I don't have all day. One wish left, make it good."

"Oh my, I wish my old and faithful cat, Buddy, was a handsome young prince."

"That's it, last wish coming right up." Poof and the genie vanished.

The woman turned and standing behind her was Buddy - her faithful companion through the years who was now a handsome young prince. Buddy took her in his arms, inhaled the sweetness of her youth, kissed her tenderly on the cheek and whispered in her ear,

"Now, aren't you sorry that you had me neutered?"

Very funny.

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