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John S

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Re: Joke time
Reply #255 - Jan 31^st, 2011 at 12:12pm

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds and comes to a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Jesus. You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus!

The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.

Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:

"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.

"No, my son. I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"

"Yes, please, my Lord."

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out,

"Hey, Mohammed! Two coffees!"

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mellie Gold Member Offline Australian Politics Posts: 8142 Sydney Gender:	Re: Joke time Reply #256 - Jan 31^st, 2011 at 12:38pm For more politically incorrect jokes... It's one of my favourites, (some are a bit revolting, quite allot actually)...but for those of you with a warped sense of humour there are some gems there. http://www.sickipedia.org/getjokes/random
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mellie Gold Member Offline Australian Politics Posts: 8142 Sydney Gender:	Re: Joke time Reply #257 - Jan 31^st, 2011 at 12:42pm A recent study asked a group of women if their c**ts twitched after sex. 98% said "No, he just lays there scratching his balls" ___________________ Sorry, I know this is incredibly rude and sexist, I'm sure Giz will love it...
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nichy Gold Member Offline Australian Politics Posts: 1812 Gender:	Re: Joke time Reply #258 - Jan 31^st, 2011 at 6:44pm I was sitting watching the tennis the other day when the doorbell rang. On answering the door I found a young Jehovahs Witness chap so I invited him in and when he sat down I asked what he wanted to talk about. "Buggered if I know" he said, "I've never got this far before".
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mellie Gold Member Offline Australian Politics Posts: 8142 Sydney Gender:	Re: Joke time Reply #259 - Jan 31^st, 2011 at 6:53pm There's an old saying: An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But given most doctors seem to be Muslim these days, I find that bacon is far more effective. _____________________ I like to annoy Muslims by asking them if Mohammed is their Christian name.
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nichy

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Re: Joke time
Reply #260 - Jan 31^st, 2011 at 7:25pm

A woman was enjoying a drink after an enjoyable roundof golf with her girlfriends.
"Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time! I have to get home and fix dinner for my husband! He'll be so pissed if it's not ready on time."

When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a
wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food.

With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food,
stirred in the egg, garnished it with the lettuce leaf and piled it on some toast

She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner.

To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.

"Darling, this is the tastiest dinner you've made me in 40 years of
marriage! You can make this for me any day?"

Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish.

She told her golf partners about it, and they were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed!?

Two months later, the husband died.

The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, " see you did kill him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the
windowsill while he was licking his arse.

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"He who does not value life does not deserve it." -- Leonardo da Vinci&&&&

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mellie Gold Member Offline Australian Politics Posts: 8142 Sydney Gender:	Re: Joke time Reply #261 - Jan 31^st, 2011 at 7:57pm haha, nichy, but you would be surprised at what an Iron chef can do with a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food.
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mellie Gold Member Offline Australian Politics Posts: 8142 Sydney Gender:	Re: Joke time Reply #262 - Jan 31^st, 2011 at 8:02pm In honour of the new Australian Prime Minister, I went to KFC and ordered 'The Gillard' they gave me 2 small breasts, 2 big thighs all in a red box.
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mellie Gold Member Offline Australian Politics Posts: 8142 Sydney Gender:	Re: Joke time Reply #263 - Jan 31^st, 2011 at 8:04pm ABC News: Julia Gillard is Australia's first ever woman prime minister, as they show film of her drinking guinness and playing pool..... so it's an aussie bloke in a bad suit then?
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perceptions_now

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Australian Politics

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Perth WA
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Re: Joke time
Reply #264 - Jan 31^st, 2011 at 8:33pm

The Banker

A rich man was dying and on his death bed called for his priest, his doctor and his banker.

When they came he told them all he was giving them each $50,000 and wanted them to throw it on his coffin as he was buried.

After the funeral they retire to a bar and are chatting.

The priest is agitated and finally blurts out, "I must confess, I only threw half the money on as the church roof needed repairs."

The doctor said, "Well since we're confessing I also only threw half the money in as I gave half of it to The Red Cross as they needed it for helping with a catastrophe."

The banker looks at both of them with haughty disdain, "I think that's disgraceful. I, of course, threw in a check for the full amount."

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nichy

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Re: Joke time
Reply #265 - Feb 11^th, 2011 at 1:54pm

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside.

"Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But Grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna DA business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.

Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to your watch and say 'Time's up !”

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"He who does not value life does not deserve it." -- Leonardo da Vinci&&&&

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Sprintcyclist

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OzPolitic

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Re: Joke time
Reply #266 - Mar 5^th, 2011 at 8:45pm

Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive another 'Economic
Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very excitingprogram, and I'll explain it by
using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money ?

>From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Aust. Economy by
Spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend the stimulus money at Coles, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .

If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.

If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .

If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and
Guatemala.

If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .

If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in Australia by:

1) Spending it at garage sales, or

2) Going to the footy , or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only Australian businesses still operating in Australia )

Conclusion:
Go to a footy game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a garage-sale and drink beer all day !

No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

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Modern Classic Right Wing

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Soren

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Re: Joke time
Reply #267 - Mar 8^th, 2011 at 9:19pm

The Psychiatrist and Proctologist

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Haemorrhoids."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics."

No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives."

Thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds."

Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes."

Unacceptable again!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts."

Not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts?"

No way.

"Freaks and Cheeks?"

Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?"

Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

Everyone loved it.

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Verge Gold Member Offline Australian Politics Posts: 6329 Gender:	Re: Joke time Reply #268 - Mar 9^th, 2011 at 3:47pm I got pulled over by the Cops the other day with my girlfriend in the car. He walks up, looks in and takes a long look at my girlfriend, then looks at me and says "Sir, have you been drinking?" I said "Come on man she's only a little overweight by she's not that fat." Ps - dont tell above joke to wives/girlfriends/potentials
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Bobby.

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Re: Joke time
Reply #269 - Mar 9^th, 2011 at 4:52pm

Verge wrote on Mar 9^th, 2011 at 3:47pm:

I got pulled over by the Cops the other day with my girlfriend in the car.

He walks up, looks in and takes a long look at my girlfriend, then looks at me and says "Sir, have you been drinking?"

I said "Come on man she's only a little overweight - she's not that fat."

Ps - dont tell above joke to wives/girlfriends/potentials

Very funny for a Libbo. Grin

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