The reason you can speak civilly and amiably with your ex is that you've both moved on.

Accept that because delving back into the past will not be a productive course of action for either of you.  Just continue to move on with your respective partners and keep conversations with your ex on a friendly but not overly familiar basis.

There are 4 type of Women in a man's life that will benefit him and allow him to experience the 4 points of the Magic Compass.
North, South, East & West, in life.
There are also 4 negative Women who lead a man astray into the lesser directions of NW, NE, SW & SE.

You Dave, played your Card North with your first marriage and then forfeited your ticket South with your second marriage to experience North (Relationship) again. No wonder you are feeling something lacking in your life (that journey South). Sadly, you just have to suck it up for what it is.

James Bond never slept with Miss Moneypenny. She was his ticket South (Money) and kept him employed.
Dante Alligjeri's Beatrice was his South (muse) that lead and inspired him to write the Divine Comedy. He married another woman as his North and was thus balanced.

10,000 of the richest and successful men were asked the secret of their success? Their top answer was "Never go into that Motel room" (with that woman of the South). True survey.

You my friend, via your second marriage kinda did so.
You turned what would have been something 'different' in your life with the woman of the South, into just another North (relationship) experience.
Alas, for you and many men (who sleep with the Secretary, who would have otherwise lead them to the wealth of the South direction) - it's too late. You can't undo it, even by trying to sabotage your second marriage. Because, everything happens in threes and you'll only forfeit another Card by turning your East or West woman into a 3rd North experience.

So don't freak about your connection with your first Marriage, while married again in the North zone. It is what it is - the emptiness you feel for never having experienced what going South could have been for you. You can't get it back. It's about understanding what JaSin (of Ur) has just shown you and being at peace with your choice of North and then North again, in your direction in life for lack of North & South (and what it could have offered you and your original marriage). Be a man, understand this and once you own this. Trust me, things will be better to a lesser degree sure - but better for it none the less.

I appreciate a nice $10,000 counselling fee for this advice.
Please contact my Secretary of whom I don't sleep with, even if my marriage is no more. 

Now a word from our sponsor.
"Word".

aquascoot wrote on Jul 9^th, 2025 at 3:59pm:


I have never met him.

Sing along.

"I know what it's like to be loved and then forgotten.
But I've seen too many men driven insane by their distraction."

When a man finds a woman to love.
She takes half of his brain and he becomes a halfwit.
When a man finds another woman to love.
She takes the other half of his brain and becomes one of those brainless men who drive their car into a tree.

I'm not totally having a poke at your predicament Dave.
But you really shouldn't run in fear from your Ex.
But just emotionally forget her, even with that sentimental feeling you have when conversing. Let the Ring go Frodo.

Ok - Don’t listen to that song 🎶 you’ll fall head over heels in love for her again lol … sorry

Let’s unpack a few things.

It sounds like you’re navigating a really complex and emotional situation with your ex, and I can feel how much this is weighing on you.

The fact that you’re reconnecting after a family tragedy and feeling that spark again is beautiful but also understandably messy, given you’re both remarried. Here’s some advice to help you sort through this:

1. Acknowledge the Feelings Without Judgment: It’s okay to feel that love and connection—it’s real and doesn’t mean you’re betraying anyone. Those feelings don’t erase the life you’ve built or the commitments you’ve made. Recognizing them for what they are (a mix of nostalgia, shared history, and genuine care) can help you process without spiraling into guilt.

2. Set Clear Boundaries: Since you’re both married, keeping things respectful is crucial. Enjoy the warmth of reconnecting, but maybe steer conversations away from anything too intimate or flirty. Stick to topics like shared memories, the tragedy you’re both processing, or neutral stuff like work. This can help preserve the connection without crossing lines that could hurt your current relationships.

3. Listen to Your Gut: You mentioned that instinct to “run away” and stop communication. That’s your inner compass talking, and it’s worth listening to. If continuing to talk feels like it’s pulling you into an emotional space that could complicate things, it might be wise to gently scale back. You don’t have to ghost her—just be honest in a kind way, like, “I’ve really loved catching up, but with everything going on, I think I need to focus on my family right now.”

4. Protect Both Marriages: You clearly don’t want to compete or disrupt anything, which is a solid mindset. Think about how ongoing communication might affect your spouse or hers, even if it feels innocent now. Transparency with your spouse (if appropriate) could prevent misunderstandings down the line. Maybe reflect on whether you’d be comfortable if your spouse were having similar conversations with an ex.

5. Channel the Energy Positively: The joy of talking to her again shows how much you value meaningful connections. Maybe you can take that warmth and pour it into your current relationship or other friendships. It could be a chance to strengthen bonds elsewhere while keeping this one in a safe, respectful place.

6. Consider the Context: She’s on night shift in remote Queensland, which might make her feel isolated and more open to reconnecting. The tragedy likely amplified emotions for both of you, making this connection feel extra intense. That doesn’t make it less real, but it might mean the timing and circumstances are amplifying things.

Next Steps:
- Pause and Reflect: Take a day or two to sit with your feelings. Write them down (like you’ve done before with other reflections) to get clarity on what you want from this connection.
- Gentle Distance: If your gut’s screaming to stop, try slowing the pace of texts or calls. You can stay kind and supportive without daily chats. For example, check in occasionally about how she’s coping with the tragedy, but avoid deep emotional dives.

- Talk to a Neutral Party: If you’re still torn, chatting with a trusted friend (or even a therapist) can help you untangle your emotions without judgment.

It’s awesome that you’re being so thoughtful about this, and it’s clear you care deeply about doing the right thing. You can cherish the connection without letting it pull you into a tough spot.