What did the ice cream say when his grandfather was drowning?
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Paddlepop

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Gordon wrote on Mar 16^th, 2018 at 9:22pm:

   he he Gordy- cheeky-

Spot

Agnes wrote on Mar 16^th, 2018 at 8:26pm:


very good

Mary had a little lamb her father shot it dead

And now she takes the lamb to school

between to slabs of bread-

Captain Caveman wrote on Apr 12^th, 2018 at 5:55pm:


Mary had a little lamb
She sold it to a muslim
He cut its throat halal style
Then he stoned Mary to death

mmm

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John_Taverner wrote on Jul 27^th, 2018 at 5:32pm:

Beware the look ~John and you do  have a point- 

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body.

Gary looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gary said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Gary said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.”

“What? He had two assholes?” asked the mortician.

Yup, I’ve never seen ‘em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!”

One afternoon, I was talking to my 14-year-old daughter about the "ninja clouds" outside. She went outside to see what I was talking about. I heard her say from outside "Where?". I told her that they were out there. She walked back inside and said, "I don't see them". I looked at her and said "Exactly..."

She walked away muttering "I hate you".

Agnes wrote on Sep 9^th, 2018 at 2:26pm:


I checked beforehand to see if it was a cloud-free day before I did the Dad joke. It would lose impact if she decided that clouds on the horizon counted as the kind of clouds I was discussing.

Cu Chulainn wrote on Nov 15^th, 2018 at 6:18pm:


  3 times the charm

Agnes wrote on Nov 15^th, 2018 at 9:16pm:


Aww, not funny? Had an old lady crack up at that one the other day. The joys of not being PC.

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oh agnes thats cruel I couldnt torture a child like that..

my youngest grandson  I think is on his last year of believing in Santa....bless him.. he told me yesterday he saw santa...he said when he asked him what he wanted for Xmas he said new shoes.... mum thinks he is starting to smell a rat....lolol...

its so cute to see them get excited though  I will miss that when he finds out....

An oldy but...

A priest, a rapist and a child molester walks into a bar. He orders a beer.

Raven wrote on Dec 19^th, 2018 at 10:18pm:

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.

I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Fair Suck Of The Sav, Mate.



An old station hand named Billy was overseeing his stock in a remote pasture in the outback when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Bryony suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the old man, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Billy looks at the young man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The yuppie then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .....

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spread sheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to Billy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, you'll be helpin' yourself to one of me animals, then, since you won it fair and square." says Billy.

He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man gingerly picks it up & stuffs it into the boot of his car.

As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust & hair off his suit, Billy says, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what work you do & where you come from, will you give me back my calf?"

The yuppie thinks about it for a second, wondering what this wrinkled up dirt encrusted uneducated old man could possibly know? He grins and then says, "Okay, old fella, why not? I'm a believer in fair play."

"You're a politician & you work in Canberra." says the old timer.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but, tell me how on earth did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Billy "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollar’s worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog."

AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT.

Captain Nemo wrote on Jan 16^th, 2019 at 10:13am:


Something like that happened to me when I was a kid.

The question was along the lines of:

- if ten men take three hours to dig a hole, how long would it take 7 men to dig the same hole.

I said "no time at all - the hole has already been dug".

It didn't go down too well.

some teachers have no sense of humour.

that 1 2 3 question should have had a pass    for picking up the deliberate mistake...

My daughter was clearly not in the mood for creative work once in Primary School.

They were asked to draw a picture or write something about what they would be doing in the future ... imagine it was the year 2500 ...

My darling daughter wrote:

"Not much, I would be dead."



The teacher was very understanding about it though. 

My daughter went on to be very smart, she averaged HDs for her double Education degrees in Uni.

(Yep, she inherited all the brain-power in our family line.)

greggerypeccary wrote on Jan 16^th, 2019 at 11:07am:



very true   but never the less   the student was quick......

lol

Jasin wrote on Feb 11^th, 2019 at 1:32pm:


well- well 

The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

Testicles have got me into more trouble than Tyres - which also get me into trouble.

Agnes wrote on Mar 25^th, 2019 at 9:15pm:


To my knowledge, sharks don't sleep. They may rest on the ocean floor. However, they are not known to sleep.

 

Agnes wrote on Apr 3^rd, 2019 at 9:20pm:


LOL, good thing our company manager is not that demanding. A medical certificate is enough.

It is because the top of the 3 beams gets drawn into the 4 because the artist did close off the side of the beams to make something out of nothing.

It is known as confusing perspective viewing.

to all of the above.