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jokes (Read 50168 times)
Sprintcyclist
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jokes
Mar 6th, 2015 at 8:35pm
 

Q: What's the difference between a Muslim and a vampire?
A: At some point the vampire will stop being bloodthirsty.

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Re: jokes
Reply #1 - Mar 6th, 2015 at 8:40pm
 

Q: What's the difference between Sprint and a vampire?
A: At some point the vampire will stop being bloodthirsty.
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Re: jokes
Reply #2 - Mar 6th, 2015 at 8:44pm
 


Q. What's the difference between terrorists, and Islamophobes like Sprint who want to raze all Mosques to the ground and kill all Muslims?

A.  Undecided
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Reply #3 - Mar 6th, 2015 at 8:47pm
 
I had a phone call from the school today.

They said, "Your son has just spray painted 'Muslims Are c_u_n_t_s' in giant letters across the playground."

"You must be joking?" I said, "I don't believe for a second that he's actually done it."

"Well, he did."  she replied, "I watched him."

"Fair play then," I said, "I owe him a tenner."

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Reply #4 - Mar 6th, 2015 at 8:50pm
 

I had a phone call from the school today.

They said, "Your son has just spray painted 'Muslims Are nice people' in giant letters across the playground."

"You must be joking?" I said, "I don't believe for a second that he's actually done it."

"Well, he did."  she replied, "I watched him."

"Fair play then," I said, "I owe you a tenner for teaching him how to spell 'Muslims'."
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Re: jokes
Reply #5 - Mar 6th, 2015 at 8:50pm
 
A Muslim walks into his local mosque with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about, Abdul?" Asks the Imam.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies Abdul. "I live by the railroad tracks and on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the rails, like in the American movies. I cut her free and took her back to my humble abode. Allah be praised - we made love all night, all around the tent. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position permitted by Mohammed, Peace Be Upon Him!"

"By the most Merciful," exclaimed the Imam, "you have been blessed. Was she as beautiful as a desert flower?"

Abdul grimaced, "By the Jinn, I do not know - I never found her head."
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Reply #6 - Mar 6th, 2015 at 8:51pm
 
Q. What do you call a Muslim who owns a camel and a goat?


A. Bisexual.
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Re: jokes
Reply #7 - Mar 6th, 2015 at 8:52pm
 
An Insightful Observation of Tolerance

Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Ontario, says:

"I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto.  I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs.  Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance."

"That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque; thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque.  We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy," and the other, a topless bar, would be called "You Mecca Me Hot."

"Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called “Iraq of Ribs."

“Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret," with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods", and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."

"All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us.” 

Yes we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing this on.  And if you are not laughing or smiling at this point..  It is either past your bedtime, or its midnight at the oasis and time to put your camel to bed.

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Reply #8 - Mar 6th, 2015 at 8:53pm
 
Sprint walks into his local mosque with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about, Sprint?" Asks the Imam.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies Sprint. "I live by the railroad tracks and on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the rails, like in the American movies. I cut her free and took her back to my humble abode. Malvern Star be praised - we made love all night, all around the tent. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position permitted by Malvern Star, Peace Be Upon Him!"

"By the most Merciful," exclaimed the Imam, "you have been blessed. Was she as beautiful as a desert flower?"

Sprint grimaced, "By the Jinn, I do not know - I never had a woman before."
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Reply #9 - Mar 11th, 2015 at 1:21am
 
Do you know how copper wire was  invented?

Two Jews fighting over a penny.
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Quoth the Raven "Nevermore"

Raven would rather ask questions that may never be answered, then accept answers which must never be questioned.
 
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Reply #10 - Mar 11th, 2015 at 1:23am
 
Jesus Christ walks into a hotel.

He puts three nails on the counter and asks

"Can you put me up for the night?"
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Quoth the Raven "Nevermore"

Raven would rather ask questions that may never be answered, then accept answers which must never be questioned.
 
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Reply #11 - Mar 11th, 2015 at 1:26am
 
A Hindu runs into a Catholic church screaming

"My Karma has run over your Dogma"
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Quoth the Raven "Nevermore"

Raven would rather ask questions that may never be answered, then accept answers which must never be questioned.
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #12 - Mar 12th, 2015 at 8:46pm
 
A bloke is driving through modern Greece, and turning a corner into a village, he runs over a chicken.  He stops and goes to the nearest house, knocks, and tells the owner about the poor chook.

"I ran over this chicken and it ran out of your yard!  I'm willing to pay!  Surely you can't afford to lose one!"

The owner comes out, looks it over, and says:-

"Thees not my chicken!"

"You're sure?  It DID run out of your  yard!"

"I don't got flat chickens.  Sorry!"
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“Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passion, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.”
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Reply #13 - Mar 12th, 2015 at 8:51pm
 
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“Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passion, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.”
― John Adams
 
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Reply #14 - Mar 12th, 2015 at 8:52pm
 
A jihadist wanted to be a suicide bomber, but he blew his one chance.
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“Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passion, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.”
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Re: jokes
Reply #15 - Mar 12th, 2015 at 10:15pm
 
Quote:
jokes


Tony and Joe  ?
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Reply #16 - Mar 12th, 2015 at 10:18pm
 
Raven wrote on Mar 11th, 2015 at 1:21am:
Do you know how copper wire was  invented?

Two Jews fighting over a penny.



Winner.
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Reply #17 - Mar 13th, 2015 at 6:40am
 
Dnarever wrote on Mar 12th, 2015 at 10:15pm:
Quote:
jokes


Tony and Joe  ?



followed by dna Roll Eyes

nothing funny about shortarse hes far too  deadly.
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Reply #18 - Mar 13th, 2015 at 9:22am
 
Police Comeback Lines

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car or I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"That says POLICE, not taxi."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? That is the average speed of a 9mm projectile."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"You can't outrun a radio."

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K. I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the chief of police is a good, personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

Police Comeback Lines



"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."



"Take your hands off the car or I"ll make your birth certificate a worthless document."



"If you run, you"ll only go to jail tired."



"That says POLICE, not taxi."



"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? That is the average speed of a 9mm projectile."



"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"



"You can't outrun a radio."



"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"



"Warning! You want a warning? O.K. I' m warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."



"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."



"Just how big were those two beers?"



"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."



"I'm glad to hear the chief of police is a good, personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."



"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
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Re: jokes
Reply #19 - Mar 13th, 2015 at 6:00pm
 
So now you know......

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Aussie_Fact.jpg (31 KB | 88 )
Aussie_Fact.jpg

"What's in store for me in the direction I don't take?"-Jack Kerouac.
 
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Reply #20 - Mar 15th, 2015 at 12:10pm
 
The large majority of Australians are free, self-thinking, self-acting, courageous individuals in control of their own bodies and lives. They aren't controlled by anyone. They are independent + self-suffcient. They are sharing the vast amount of land on this continent fairly. Every decent person owns an adequate block of land debt-free where they do what they want. They don't let anyone tell them how to live their lives.

Whenever a self-acclaimed author-ity attempts to take control over them, they revolt immediately. They put their work aside to organize a rally on the streets to remove + jail the wannabe tyrants swiftly, so they can return to their work and personal lives afterwards. They mobilize whatever force is necessary to defend themselves against tyrants.

One of their basic principles is for everyone to mind their own business. They don't interfere in each other's lives. They focus on their own lives on their own land where they don't let anyone else tell them what they can do and what not.

The are not sheeple. They don't fearfully follow the herd. They go their own way. They are armed and capable to defend themselves, their house and their family if necessary.

They are free individuals, not slaves, so they don't wear uniforms.

They are truly happy, because they are free. They don't need to get drunk - drowning their frustrations - like landless slaves usually do. No way! They have travelled the world and studied history. They have learned from tyrannical, imperial and communist governments all over the world in the past and have therefore reduced the size of their own government to an absolute minimum. They don't fear the government. They have a government that fears the people. A government that serves the people, not some billionaires.

They are wise.


It's all a big joke, people.  
Cheesy
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Re: jokes
Reply #21 - Mar 20th, 2015 at 4:05pm
 
I swear this bird drove one of my Cabs!

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Reply #22 - Mar 24th, 2015 at 6:58am
 


1. What did Earth say to the other planets?

You guys have no life.



2. How did the local butcher introduce his new wife to his friends?

Meet Pattie.



(Don't know where my teenage son gets these from...)
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If I let myself be bought then I am no longer free.

HYPATIA - Greek philosopher, mathematician and astronomer (370 - 415)
 
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Reply #23 - Mar 24th, 2015 at 7:21am
 
When Pecker was younger, he came home on a Saturday night, excitedly saying,
"Dad, dad, I just got laid".
Pecker's father said, "Sit down and tell me all about it , son".
To this Pecker replied, "I would Dad but my a.r.s.e is too sore".
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Reply #24 - Mar 24th, 2015 at 12:31pm
 
4 friends (Ladies) meet 30 years after school at reunion.....

One goes to take food while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.

No. 1 says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich, he gave his best friend a ferrari.

No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline became so rich, he gave his best friend a jet.

No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development company became so rich, he build his best friend a castle.

No 4. came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz is about.

They told her they were talking about how successful their sons became and asked her about her son.

She said her son is gay and he works in a Gay Bar.
The other 3 said she must be very disappointed with her son for not becoming successful.

" Oh no !! " said the Lady, he is doing good.
" Last week on his birthday he got a ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends..." .
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Re: jokes
Reply #25 - Mar 25th, 2015 at 12:46am
 
Lisa Jones wrote on Mar 24th, 2015 at 6:58am:
1. What did Earth say to the other planets?

You guys have no life.



2. How did the local butcher introduce his new wife to his friends?

Meet Pattie.



(Don't know where my teenage son gets these from...)


Probably from his Star Trek conventions where he can't get laid anyway.
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Reply #26 - Mar 26th, 2015 at 12:38pm
 
a wise man
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Our esteemed leader:
I hope that bitch who was running their brothels for them gets raped with a cactus.
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #27 - Mar 26th, 2015 at 1:42pm
 
Happy Lucky wrote on Mar 24th, 2015 at 7:21am:
When Pecker was younger, he came home on a Saturday night, excitedly saying,
"Dad, dad, I just got laid".
Pecker's father said, "Sit down and tell me all about it , son".
To this Pecker replied, "I would Dad but my a.r.s.e is too sore".



Yeah, true story.

I dropped the soap at Sir Booby's house.


...
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Reply #28 - Mar 30th, 2015 at 2:13pm
 
An engineer dies and goes to hell. He’s hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.

One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil, “what’s up?”

The Devil says, “Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer”.

“What?” says God. “An engineer? I didn’t send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately”.
The Devil responds, “No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him”.

God demands, “If you don’t send him to me immediately, I’ll sue!”

The Devil laughs. “Where are you going to get a lawyer?”
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Re: jokes
Reply #29 - Apr 3rd, 2015 at 7:56am
 
heheheh

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Re: jokes
Reply #30 - Apr 4th, 2015 at 8:39am
 
The daughter asks her Dad, "Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand."
"He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

Her Dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick"
"I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe."
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Reply #31 - Apr 4th, 2015 at 8:58am
 
...The barman says, "We don't serve time-travelers here."

An hour later a time-traveler walks into a bar...
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Re: jokes
Reply #32 - Jun 20th, 2015 at 8:44am
 
.
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I identify as Mail because all I do is SendIT!
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Reply #33 - Jun 25th, 2015 at 7:54am
 
Mars is the only known planet entirely inhabited by robots.
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Reply #34 - Jun 25th, 2015 at 9:42pm
 
I think this is real:

...
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Reply #35 - Jun 25th, 2015 at 9:47pm
 

Soren.

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Reply #36 - Jun 28th, 2015 at 10:28am
 
...
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I identify as Mail because all I do is SendIT!
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Reply #37 - Jun 28th, 2015 at 10:44am
 

That's genuinely funny.

Someone in the UK has a sense of humour.


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Reply #38 - Jun 28th, 2015 at 11:18am
 
...
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Reply #39 - Jun 28th, 2015 at 2:44pm
 
CNN spots "ISIS flag" at gay pride parade and quickly summons national security analyst...

...

CNN observed an “unnerving” sight in London yesterday and took to the air to warn viewers about it.

International assignment editor Lucy Pawle called in to report her concerns after spotting a crude attempt to mimic an “ISIS” flag at a gay pride parade. No one else seemed to have noticed the flag, she said — this was a CNN exclusive. Pawle said she took her findings to the organiser of the parade, who claimed to know nothing about it. She also consulted police nearby, who also seemed alarmingly unconcerned.

Worrisome, indeed.

So, naturally, CNN summoned Pawle and their national security analyst to discuss the ramifications.



Alas, as many other news organisations including Slate and BuzzFeed have since noted, the flag that so disturbed the network was not, in fact, an ISIS flag, but just some crude drawings of sex toys.

The headline of the story is still available at CNN’s web site. The video itself, however, has disappeared.

(As journalists who have occasionally gotten things wrong over the years, our sympathies to Ms. Pawle…).
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Re: jokes
Reply #40 - Jun 28th, 2015 at 2:46pm
 
Apple Computer announced today that it has  developed
a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity  music
in women's breast implants.

The  iTit will cost between $499.00 and  $699.00
depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always  complained about men staring at their tits
and not listening to them.
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Reply #41 - Jun 28th, 2015 at 3:00pm
 
Two Irishmen were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf.
Jimmy said, “I’m gonna do dat when I win da lottery.”
“What's dat den?” asks Mikey.
“Send me lawn away to be mowed."
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Re: jokes
Reply #42 - Jun 29th, 2015 at 2:31pm
 
Sex Offenders Now Required To Have Transparent Rainbows On Their Profile Image

http://newsexaminer.net/politics/sex-offenders-now-required-transparent-rainbows-profile-pictures/

...

Menlo Park, CA — At a press conference this morning, Facebook announced new steps in its efforts to protect minors from pedophiles and other sexual deviants on the popular social media website.

“As some of you may have already noticed, registered sex offenders on Facebook now have the colors of a transparent rainbow covering their entire profile image,” Facebook spokesman Paul Horner told reporters. “This will make sexual predators easily identifiable to the community and help keep your children safe.”
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Reply #43 - Jun 29th, 2015 at 2:41pm
 
lol. FD that's great. It's such a dickish trend.
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Re: jokes
Reply #44 - Jun 29th, 2015 at 2:49pm
 
..




A guy's walking along the beach and sees a woman with no arms or legs.
He walks up to her...on his own, obviously she couldn't wave him over...and she says, "I've never been kissed. Can you kiss me?"
He says to himself, "What the hell?" and kisses her.
She says, "I've never been fingered, Could you please finger me?"
He sneaks his finger around the lip of her bathing suit and sticks it in her very greasy un-used hole.
She says, "I've never been buggered."
He picks her up, throws her in the water, and says, "You're buggered now!!!"
  ...



...
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Re: jokes
Reply #45 - Jun 29th, 2015 at 3:17pm
 
..



How can you tell if a midget's having her period?







She keeps tripping over the string.
    Cheesy  ...  Cheesy


..
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Re: jokes
Reply #46 - Jun 29th, 2015 at 3:25pm
 


,,˙ʇsɹᴉɟ ƃuᴉɥʇʎɹǝʌǝ sǝɹnsɐǝɯ ǝɥ ʍou os 'ʇᴉd ǝɥʇ ssɐd ʇ,uplnoɔ ǝɥ puɐ 'ʇᴉ ǝʇɐ ǝɥ puɐ 'ɥɔɐǝd ƃᴉq ɐ ɯᴉɥ ʍǝɹɥʇ ʎpoqǝɯos 'ʞǝǝʍ ʇsɐ˥ ˙ʎǝʞuoɯ ʇɹɐɯs ʎɹǝʌ ɐ s,ʇɐɥʇ 'oN,, 'sʎɐs ɹǝdǝǝʞooz ǝɥ┴
,,˙ʎǝʞuoɯ pᴉdnʇs ʎɹǝʌ ǝuo sᴉ ʇɐɥʇ 'uɐW,, 'sʎɐs ǝɥ puɐ 'ɹǝdǝǝʞooz ǝɥʇ oʇ sǝoƃ ǝH
,,¡ʞn⅄,, 'sǝoƃ ʎnƃ ǝɥ┴
˙ʇᴉ sʇɐǝ puɐ 'ʇno ʇᴉ sllnd 'puǝ ɹɐǝɹ sᴉɥ uᴉ ʇᴉ sʞɔᴉʇs 'ʇnuɐǝd ǝɥʇ dn sʞɔᴉd ʎǝʞuoɯ ǝɥ┴ ˙ʇnuɐǝd ɹǝɥʇouɐ ʎǝʞuoɯ ǝɥʇ sʍoɹɥʇ ǝH
,,¡ʞn⅄,, 'sǝoƃ ʎnƃ ǝɥ┴
˙ʇᴉ sʇɐǝ puɐ 'ʇno ʇᴉ sllnd 'puǝ ɹɐǝɹ sᴉɥ uᴉ ʇᴉ sʞɔᴉʇs 'ʇnuɐǝd ǝɥʇ dn sʞɔᴉd ʎǝʞuoɯ ǝɥ┴ ˙ʇnuɐǝd ɐ ʎǝʞuoɯ ǝɥʇ sʍoɹɥʇ ǝH ˙sʎǝʞuoɯ ǝɥʇ pǝǝɟ oʇ ooz ǝɥʇ oʇ sǝoƃ ʎnƃ ∀
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Re: jokes
Reply #47 - Jun 29th, 2015 at 3:47pm
 
What's the hardest thing about eating a vegetable?



Getting her back inta her wheelchair.    ... Cheesy


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Re: jokes
Reply #48 - Jun 30th, 2015 at 7:33pm
 
.
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I identify as Mail because all I do is SendIT!
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Re: jokes
Reply #49 - Jun 30th, 2015 at 9:27pm
 
freediver wrote on Jun 20th, 2015 at 8:44am:


You know freediver Raven finds that very insulting. You shouldn't make jokes about terrorist victims

Raven's grandfather was killed by terrorists in a nazi concentration camp

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Quoth the Raven "Nevermore"

Raven would rather ask questions that may never be answered, then accept answers which must never be questioned.
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #50 - Jun 30th, 2015 at 9:28pm
 
One of them threw their Star of David at him and he fell out of a guard tower
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Quoth the Raven "Nevermore"

Raven would rather ask questions that may never be answered, then accept answers which must never be questioned.
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #51 - Jul 2nd, 2015 at 1:05pm
 

I have just been  fired from my job with the 000 Emergency Call Centre.

A guy called Abdul phoned and said,"I'm depressed and lying on the railway track waiting for the train to come,so I can finally meet Allah."

Apparently, "Remain calm and stay on the line" was the wrong response.



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Re: jokes
Reply #52 - Jul 2nd, 2015 at 1:51pm
 
freediver wrote on Jun 30th, 2015 at 7:33pm:
.




wheres the rest of your collection fd.. dont be shy .. we know you have all his pics in wet cossies.. Wink Wink Wink

let them out of the closet we wont tell..
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Re: jokes
Reply #53 - Jul 2nd, 2015 at 6:58pm
 
                                   .
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Re: jokes
Reply #54 - Jul 3rd, 2015 at 11:31am
 
freediver wrote on Jun 28th, 2015 at 2:44pm:
CNN spots "ISIS flag" at gay pride parade and quickly summons national security analyst...


I was there. I did a double take when I saw the flag (not the first double take). My wife and I had a limousine transfer to our hotel. The route was blocked by the parade. We ended up with a 3km walk, most of it up Regent Street. Fortunately a rickshaw driver took pity on us, and could go where no taxi could go. So we hurtled down the streets of London, clinging for dear life with 50 plus kg of luggage bouncing in the seat (in the downhill stretches). It was entertaining to put it mildly, and he finally charged us 25 pounds, which I gladly gave him.

Our intended limousine transfer would have been much more boring.
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Re: jokes
Reply #55 - Jul 3rd, 2015 at 3:52pm
 
When the pirate captain was asked about the ship's wheel he kept in the front of his pants he replied, "Argggh it's driven me nuts..."
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On the 26th of January you are all invited to celebrate little white penal day...

"They're not rules as such, more like guidelines" Pirates of the Caribbean..
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #56 - Jul 3rd, 2015 at 8:35pm
 
 

       ...
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Modern Classic Right Wing
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #57 - Jul 5th, 2015 at 5:31pm
 
Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly.

Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
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Re: jokes
Reply #58 - Jul 8th, 2015 at 2:14pm
 
A lifelong white racist in the Western end of Sydney is in a major car crash. When he comes round  three days later in hospital the surgeon says “I’ve got good news and bad news. The bad news is you have had two pints  of African blood and two pints of  Muslim blood”.  He screams “What the hell  is the good news then”.

“The good news is  your penis is 6” longer and you are on top of the housing list”.
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Re: jokes
Reply #59 - Jul 8th, 2015 at 2:15pm
 
Patiently waiting for it to turn Green even though there was no
on-coming traffic.


A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-British
slogans, with a half- burned Union Flag duct-taped to the boot lid of
their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan, spray painted on the side, was
stopped next to me.


Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akbar!" and took off before the light changed.

Out of nowhere a bus came speeding through the junction and
ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing
everyone in it.


For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Bloody hell! That could have been me !"


So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a bus driver.

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Re: jokes
Reply #60 - Jul 8th, 2015 at 2:24pm
 
I like all those John . . .but then I would, wouldn't I
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Know the enemies of a civil society by their public behaviour, by their fraudulent claim to be liberal-progressive, by their propensity to lie and, above all, by their attachment to authoritarianism.
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #61 - Jul 8th, 2015 at 3:06pm
 
bogarde73 wrote on Jul 8th, 2015 at 2:24pm:
I like all those John . . .but then I would, wouldn't I



of course you do

they were sent to me by another die hard liberal
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Re: jokes
Reply #62 - Jul 11th, 2015 at 9:35am
 
Mustafa Al Sheriah

"here"

Ahmed El Sheriah

"here"

Fatima El Bindiri

"here"

Ali Acmah Shabeeb

"here"

Ali Sun Al En

No answer



Ali Sun Al En?



Little girl at the back stands up and says "it's pronounced Alison Allen for f##ks sake"
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Reply #63 - Jul 11th, 2015 at 10:11am
 
Australian Greens MP Sarah Hanson-Young says we should create harmony by learning Arabic...

We might  as well ALL get on the band wagon.

The Greens Party wants us to  learn more about Muslims and accept them into our culture.

This is my very first attempt


Dear Sarah.................          

...
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Re: jokes
Reply #64 - Jul 11th, 2015 at 10:46am
 
she will want that translated into English.. Roll Eyes Roll Eyes
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Re: jokes
Reply #65 - Jul 18th, 2015 at 1:36pm
 
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I identify as Mail because all I do is SendIT!
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Re: jokes
Reply #66 - Jul 18th, 2015 at 6:54pm
 
The Harley-Davidson Facts


The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognised Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!         

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

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Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery.

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Re: jokes
Reply #67 - Jul 25th, 2015 at 12:46pm
 


       From now on, I'll believe in The Prophet Muhammad ...

              I decided to drive to the local Mosque for the first time, to see what it was all about.  I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said:

"By the will of Allah the All Mighty, and the Prophet Muhammad, you will walk today."

I told him I was not paralyzed.

He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing.  Once again, I told him there is nothing wrong with me.

After the prayers, I stepped outside - and yes - my car was gone!
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“Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passion, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.”
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Re: jokes
Reply #68 - Jul 27th, 2015 at 10:58pm
 
A woman is on trial for beating her musician husband to death with his guitar...

The judge asks:-

"First offender?"

She says :-

"No - first a Gibson - then a Fender."
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Re: jokes
Reply #69 - Aug 5th, 2015 at 1:24pm
 

A man was resting outside a jail, he looked up and saw a midget prisoner on top of the wall.
The prisoner was trying to make an escape, the prisoner looked down at the man and sneered at him then proceeded to climb down a rope to freedom.

The man watched the miget prisoner and thought "Well, that's a little condescending."
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Modern Classic Right Wing
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #70 - Aug 19th, 2015 at 3:30pm
 
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any arms either!" Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed???"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said.... "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"



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When politicians offer you something for nothing, or something that sounds too good to be true, it's always worth taking a careful second look.
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Re: jokes
Reply #71 - Aug 24th, 2015 at 5:52pm
 
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one ..

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by - product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;

He said.... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in
it.
She said.... You wear pants don't you?

He said..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit
on the sofa and fart!

He said..... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said..... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said..... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to
bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
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Football, Meat Pies, Kangaroos and Liberal Lies
Football, Meat Pies, Kangaroos and Liberal Lies
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #72 - Aug 31st, 2015 at 6:31pm
 
I'M TOTALLY AMAZED AT HOW MUCH ONE LEARNS FROM THE INTERNET!

HOW DID I LIVE ALL THESE YEARS  WITHOUT KNOWING THIS?

THE KINGDOM OF THAILAND

In the original native culture of Thailand , when males reached the age of 18 they had to participate in the following community ceremony:

They lay themselves stark naked in a large circle, feet facing inward.  A beautiful young naked girl kneels over the ankles of each of the men.

She places a blob of honey and various crushed sweet fruits around his navel to attract flies and insects. 

(This keeps them off his face during the ceremony)

A specially chosen nubile and very beautiful naked girl then does a sexy and sensuous dance in the centre of the circle.

As soon as all the men become fully aroused, the kneeling girls then reach over the knees, pull the erect penises downwards as much as they can and then, on a given signal from the centre dancer, release them.         

The men's penises would then spring back up and go "WHAP!" against their belly buttons.   

This exercise was a measurement of the strength of their masculinity . . . The man who killed the most flies was elected to the court of the King. 

And that, folks, is why the capital of Thailand came to be named Bangkok . 

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Re: jokes
Reply #73 - Aug 31st, 2015 at 7:32pm
 
Vic wrote on Aug 31st, 2015 at 6:31pm:
I'M TOTALLY AMAZED AT HOW MUCH ONE LEARNS FROM THE INTERNET!

HOW DID I LIVE ALL THESE YEARS  WITHOUT KNOWING THIS?

THE KINGDOM OF THAILAND

In the original native culture of Thailand , when males reached the age of 18 they had to participate in the following community ceremony:

They lay themselves stark naked in a large circle, feet facing inward.  A beautiful young naked girl kneels over the ankles of each of the men.

She places a blob of honey and various crushed sweet fruits around his navel to attract flies and insects. 

(This keeps them off his face during the ceremony)

A specially chosen nubile and very beautiful naked girl then does a sexy and sensuous dance in the centre of the circle.

As soon as all the men become fully aroused, the kneeling girls then reach over the knees, pull the erect penises downwards as much as they can and then, on a given signal from the centre dancer, release them.         

The men's penises would then spring back up and go "WHAP!" against their belly buttons.   

This exercise was a measurement of the strength of their masculinity . . . The man who killed the most flies was elected to the court of the King. 

And that, folks, is why the capital of Thailand came to be named Bangkok . 

   



...
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Re: jokes
Reply #74 - Aug 31st, 2015 at 9:22pm
 
I offer only one word as a joke....


Easel.   Wink
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Someone said we could not judge a person's Aboriginality on their skin colour.  Why isn't that applied in the matter of Pascoe?  Tsk, tsk, tsk...   Roll Eyes Roll Eyes
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Re: jokes
Reply #75 - Sep 1st, 2015 at 10:26am
 
A female CNN  journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western  Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long  time.

So she went to  check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up  to the holy site.  She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when  he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him  for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir,  I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your  name?"

"Morris Feinberg,"  he replied.

"Sir, how long  have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60  years."

"60 years!  That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace  between the Christians, Jews, and the  Muslims."

"I pray for all the  wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our  children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow  man."

"I pray that  politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of  their own interests."

And finally "I pray  that everyone will be happy".

"How do you feel  after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking  to a smacking Brick wall!"
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Re: jokes
Reply #76 - Sep 3rd, 2015 at 8:24am
 
Subject: Smokin' in the Rain

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what
size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
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"What's in store for me in the direction I don't take?"-Jack Kerouac.
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #77 - Sep 3rd, 2015 at 8:45am
 
Vic wrote on Aug 31st, 2015 at 6:31pm:
And that, folks, is why the capital of Thailand came to be named Bangkok . 



I dont believe that Smiley
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Re: jokes
Reply #78 - Sep 3rd, 2015 at 9:34am
 
Census question: before answering this question, should I put my wife down?
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Re: jokes
Reply #79 - Sep 4th, 2015 at 8:20pm
 
Sound is a must.....

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"What's in store for me in the direction I don't take?"-Jack Kerouac.
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #80 - Sep 7th, 2015 at 6:06pm
 

A new study has found the most common sexual position used by married couples is dogie style

He sits up and begs

She turns around and plays dead.

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When politicians offer you something for nothing, or something that sounds too good to be true, it's always worth taking a careful second look.
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Re: jokes
Reply #81 - Sep 11th, 2015 at 6:16pm
 
so wrong, but so funny Grin Grin

all bigots will be sure to love it


https://www.youtube.com/embed/VmffgIqlAYA
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When politicians offer you something for nothing, or something that sounds too good to be true, it's always worth taking a careful second look.
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Re: jokes
Reply #82 - Sep 17th, 2015 at 11:40am
 
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

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Re: jokes
Reply #83 - Sep 17th, 2015 at 1:08pm
 
Pretty good muttley.
I like my rednecks
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Modern Classic Right Wing
 
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Reply #84 - Sep 21st, 2015 at 3:56pm
 

A mother and her daughter are walking along the beach.
        The girl says, "Mom, do you think I'm old enough to start douching?"
        Her mother says, "Why don't you ask one of the seagulls that's following ya!"

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"When the People fear government there is Tyranny;
When government fears the People there is Freedom & Liberty!"

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Re: jokes
Reply #85 - Sep 21st, 2015 at 4:02pm
 
Hear about the KKK Evel Knievel?

He tried to jump 200 n@$gers in a steam roller.
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Reply #86 - Sep 21st, 2015 at 4:08pm
 



Favale says to Leeds, "I learned an important life lesson today. I‘m getting married in a few weeks, and I went over to my fiancee's house to look at the wedding invitations. She wasn't home, so her mother sat me down to show them to me. And her mother's sexy as hell. As we were looking at the invitations, she started rubbing my leg. Then she worked her way slowly up to the tops of my thighs, and after she knew damn well I had a raging hard-on, she asked me if I'd take her upstairs and bang her blind. I got up and left. As I walked out the front door, her father was standing there, and he said, ‘You passed our little test, son. Glad to have you in the family.'"
        Leeds says, "So what's the life lesson?"
        Favale says, "Always keep your rubbers in the glovebox."
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Reply #87 - Oct 2nd, 2015 at 3:50pm
 
She's single and she lives right across the street. I can see her place from my kitchen window. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get laid tonight! Are you doing anything?"

I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"





She said, "Great! Would you mind baby-sitting my dog??"
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Know the enemies of a civil society by their public behaviour, by their fraudulent claim to be liberal-progressive, by their propensity to lie and, above all, by their attachment to authoritarianism.
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #88 - Oct 5th, 2015 at 6:42pm
 
...
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Reply #89 - Oct 5th, 2015 at 7:53pm
 
Q. Why did the computer cross the road?


A. The chicken programmed it.
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Get the vaxx! 💉💉

If you don’t like abortions ignore them like you do school shootings.
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #90 - Oct 6th, 2015 at 6:06am
 
Schooldays...
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Re: jokes
Reply #91 - Oct 7th, 2015 at 2:02am
 
An Amish family from Pennslyvania decides to go to the Big Apple for the first Time in their lives; Mother, Father and their son. They go into the Empire State Building. As they're walking around they notice the elevator. Never seeing one before they stand in front of it bewildered. While staring at it, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to it, pushes the button, the door opens, she rolls herself inside and the door closes. The Amish family watches as the lights for each floor light as it goes up. They continue to watch as the numbers go down again. The door opens and out walks this tall gorgeous blonde. Legs to her neck. Great figure. Beautiful!

Paw looks at his son and says, "Quick boy, shove your mother in there!"


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Re: jokes
Reply #92 - Oct 7th, 2015 at 2:07am
 
Q: When was the first Russian election held?

A: The time that God set Eve in front of Adam and said, "Go ahead, choose your wife."


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Reply #93 - Oct 7th, 2015 at 2:11am
 
An African ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador.

For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer. On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette.  One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable.  Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.  Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.  When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay.

Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke,

"Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette".

He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.  The African ambassador said,

"These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex - take your pick".

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette.  He said,

"Well, OK, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:

"One of them's a cannibal."

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“Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passion, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.”
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Re: jokes
Reply #94 - Oct 9th, 2015 at 9:43am
 
a cop pulled me over the other day.

he said!

papers..

I said Scissors . I win

and drove off..
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Reply #95 - Oct 11th, 2015 at 8:53pm
 
...
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Reply #96 - Oct 13th, 2015 at 8:05am
 
Shouldn't we always get a 'second opinion'?




I went to the doctor. 

I've been getting terrible headaches for years. 

Enough was enough!

The doctor said, "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.  You have a very rare condition that causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

I was shocked and depressed.

I wondered if I had anything to live for. 

I had no choice but to go under the knife.



When I left the hospital, I was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but I felt like I was missing an important part of myself.   



As I walked down the street, I realized that I felt like a different person.

I could make a new beginning and live a new life. 

I saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit... One that was totally different, a new suit for my new life"


I entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.. something flash and different


The elderly tailor eyed me briefly and said, "Hmmmmm...  Let's see... Ah yes, Size 44 long."



I laughed, "Hey, that's right, how did you know???"


"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.


I tried on the suit.     It fit perfectly!



As I admired myself in the mirror, the salesman asked, Pssssst.... "How about a new shirt?"



I thought for a moment and then said, "Sure, why not..."


The salesman eyed me and said, "Let's see, hmmmm ... yep, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."



I was amazingly surprised. 

"Why, that's exactly right!  How did you know?"


"Been in the business 60 years."


I tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly!


I walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "While you're still here, how about some new flashy underwear to go with the suit and the shirt?"


I thought for a moment and said, "Sure, go for it!"

The salesman said, "Let's see...hmmmm... yes, definitely Size 36."


I laughed, "Ah ha! I got you!

I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

"You're wrong!"



The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. 

Nope, a size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."




...


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« Last Edit: Oct 13th, 2015 at 8:29am by Panther »  

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When government fears the People there is Freedom & Liberty!"

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Re: jokes
Reply #97 - Oct 13th, 2015 at 9:57am
 
Aussie wrote on Oct 11th, 2015 at 8:53pm:


I see that Carney is suing the Cronulla Sharks for unfair dismissal...
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Re: jokes
Reply #98 - Oct 13th, 2015 at 10:01am
 
The Heartless Felon wrote on Oct 13th, 2015 at 9:57am:
Aussie wrote on Oct 11th, 2015 at 8:53pm:


I see that Carney is suing the Cronulla Sharks for unfair dismissal...



Grin Grin Grin Grin
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Re: jokes
Reply #99 - Oct 18th, 2015 at 6:48am
 
I was having a dump in the train toilet today, when some bloke knocked on the door.
He said, "Can I see your ticket please?"
"Not right now" I shouted, "I'm having a dump!"
He said, "I don't believe you, can you pass it under the door?"
"No problem" I said, sliding it under, "The yellow bits are sweetcorn.


This fat girl tried to sit next to me on the bus today.
I said, "You can't sit there love."
She said, "You think I'm too fat."
I said, "No I don't, it's because I'm the f@#king driver."

I was walking through customs in the airport the other day on my way back from my holidays, when a police sniffer dog came up to me, the copper said 'My sniffer dog tells me you are carrying or maybe under the influence of drugs?' I said 'I'm the one on drugs?! Apparently you're the one who's got a f@#king talking dog !'

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

On behalf of Channel 7 Television, may I thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new reality show. Also the charming photograph of her you enclosed.
Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected,
I would like to point out that the correct title of the series is actually "Fact Hunt".


"IT'S A BOY"I shouted "A BOY,I DON'T BELIEVE IT,IT'S A BOY"
and with tears streaming down my face I swore i'd never visit another Thai brothel


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Re: jokes
Reply #100 - Oct 18th, 2015 at 7:14am
 


Grin Grin Grin
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"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace." Hendrix
andrei said: Great isn't it? Seeing boatloads of what is nothing more than human garbage turn up.....
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #101 - Oct 19th, 2015 at 10:15am
 



The morning after the High School Prom a woman gets a text from her daughter:
       
"Mom, I'm freaking out. I got drunk, I'm at the beach and I got cum in my hair."
       
Her mother texts back, "I'm really glad you're so open with me. Very often a guy will pull it out of your mouth to shoot on your face and some of it gets in your hair. Just jump in the water, it'll wash right out."
               
The girl texts back, "Thanks so much for sharing. Mom ... but I meant to type gum."


Cheesy Cheesy Cheesy


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Re: jokes
Reply #102 - Oct 20th, 2015 at 11:10am
 
Once upon a time," a pilot asked a beautiful princess, "Will you marry me? "The princess said, "No!!!!" And the pilot lived happily ever after and flew jets all over the world and drove hot cars and chased skinny long-legged big-breasted flight attendants and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank German beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and ate cold leftover meals, potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frickin' cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.   
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Re: jokes
Reply #103 - Oct 20th, 2015 at 11:11am
 
The Men's Shed Meeting

We had a novel experience at a recent meeting of   our book club at the Men's Shed.

One of our senior members, Ted Roberts who is himself an author lauded for his timeless work
"Woodworking for Profit and Pleasure", came up with an interesting suggestion.

He said his wife thought that we should read a book called "Fifty Shades of Grey"
as we might learn something from it. Someone thought it would come in handy when re-painting the house.

The chaps were all asked to attend our next meeting with some notes relating to their experience
of reading the book and its relevance to our activities.

At the follow-up meeting we had an enthusiastic full house where the blokes recounted the literary
impact of the novel.
Here are their experiences:    

Bill Carruthers, 74
We tried  various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall.
But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nick Enwright, 86
She stood before me, trembling in my shed
“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”
So I took her to Bunnings.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ted Roberts, 79
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tom Entwhistle, 73
Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jack Farthing, 78
“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.   
“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Hardcastle, 72
“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said,biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”   
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Colin Horrocks, 65
“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly.     “Harder!”                                                                                    
  “Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of   Nicaragua?”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Malcolm Riddock, 75
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience,
my rhubarb had come up a treat.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Allen Cardly, 74
“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.“I think so,” I gulped.   
“Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humphrey Landsdowne, 56
Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.   
“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got a fat arse and no dress sense.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nicholas Benchley, 53
“Are you sure you want this?” I asked.
“When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded.
“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge furniture on eBay.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Toby Williams, 60
“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”   
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up. 
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Re: jokes
Reply #104 - Oct 20th, 2015 at 4:09pm
 
A guy meets his blind date in a bar and they wind up back in his apartment.
The next morning, he says, "How was it?"
 She says, "I guess you were all right. To tell you the truth, I wasn't too happy with the size of your organ."
The guy says,"Well, I didn't know I was going to be playing in a cathedral."


What's the difference between making love to a girl with arms and making love to a girl without arms?

When you're making love to a girl without arms and it pops out, you have to put it back in.



Melvin's mother says, "Why are you crying, Melvin?"
He says, "Because my new sneakers hurt."
She looks down and says, "That's because you put them on the wrong feet."
Melvin says,  "But these are the only feet I have."




Billy goes to the doctor.
He says, "Doc, I feel like I'm invisible."
The doctor says, "Who said that?!"




Elmer's bored, so he takes off from the farm and heads for town on a rainy day. He runs into a hooker on the street and they go into an alley.
She takes it out, takes a look and says, "It's too too big!!!"
He says, "Well, hell, that's no reason to drop it in the mud." i


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« Last Edit: Oct 20th, 2015 at 4:16pm by Panther »  

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When government fears the People there is Freedom & Liberty!"

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Re: jokes
Reply #105 - Oct 20th, 2015 at 4:48pm
 
Rugby League great Johnny Raper played in 8 consecutive winning grand finals for St George Dragons.

If St George can win that many with one raper in the team, how many can Hawthorn win with two?
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Quoth the Raven "Nevermore"

Raven would rather ask questions that may never be answered, then accept answers which must never be questioned.
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #106 - Oct 25th, 2015 at 12:26pm
 
A young man with his pants hanging half off his arse, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the Centrelink
to sign some paperwork.
He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage
of the system, getting something for nothing and all that."
The social worker behind the counter said,
"Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2015 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say
but you will also have to, as part of your job, satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said,
"You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said,
"Yeah, well...
You started it." ....
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Reply #107 - Oct 25th, 2015 at 7:23pm
 

Jimmy catches his father and mother having sex.

He says, "Pop, what're you doing?"

His father says, "We're making you a baby brother."

The next day when his father walks in from work, Jimmy's sitting at the kitchen table crying his little eyes out.


His father says,"What's the matter, son? Why are you so upset? "



Jimmy says, "You know that baby brother you and mom made me last night?




Today the lady next door fawkin' ate him!!"
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Re: jokes
Reply #108 - Oct 26th, 2015 at 3:34pm
 
*Warning*  *Warning*

If topless women offend, do not start the video.


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Re: jokes
Reply #109 - Oct 26th, 2015 at 5:19pm
 
A lady invited some important people to dinner.  She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them. Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream? "No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."
"Well, I see squirrels eating them and they're OK." So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, she watched the dog. The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success. After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead." Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can. We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."
Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road. The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was done the doctor came out and said, "Everything will be okay now," and with that he left. The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum..
"I can't believe that guy!"
"What guy?"
"You know, that one who ran over Spot; he never even slowed down".
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Re: jokes
Reply #110 - Oct 26th, 2015 at 5:45pm
 
I like it!

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Re: jokes
Reply #111 - Oct 26th, 2015 at 5:53pm
 
" and tonight's programs on Pet TV are Starsky and Hutch, My Furry Lady, and Gone With The Minx"....
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“Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passion, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.”
― John Adams
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #112 - Oct 27th, 2015 at 11:50am
 




The doctor says, "Mrs. Schlump, your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.

Now please let me see the part that seems to get you ladies into the most trouble."



She starts taking off her panties,  and with that the doctor screams..., "No, no, no ............... stick out your tongue!!"


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"When the People fear government there is Tyranny;
When government fears the People there is Freedom & Liberty!"

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Re: jokes
Reply #113 - Nov 9th, 2015 at 4:34pm
 
How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

•        Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

•        A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

•        I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

•        Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

•        England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

•        I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

•        They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

•        I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

•        Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

•        I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

•        I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

•        This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

•        When chemists die, they barium.

•        I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.  I just can't put it down.

•        I did a theatrical performance about puns.  It was a play on words.

•        Why were the Indians here first?  They had reservations.

•        I didn't like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me.

•        Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

•        When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

•        Broken pencils are pointless.

•        What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?  A thesaurus.

•       I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

•       All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen.  The police have nothing to go on.

•       I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

•        Velcro - what a rip off!

•         Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
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Re: jokes
Reply #114 - Nov 9th, 2015 at 4:43pm
 


Confucius Say:


Woman who fly Piper Cub upside down ...... have nasty crack up!  ...


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Reply #115 - Nov 14th, 2015 at 8:37pm
 


Oprah goes to the doctor with a sore throat.

He says, "Take off all of your clothes, lie on your back on my table, and spread your legs as wide as you can."

She says, "How will that help my sore throat?"

He says, "It won't, but I want to see how my house will look painted black with pink shutters."   Cheesy Cheesy Cheesy

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When government fears the People there is Freedom & Liberty!"

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Re: jokes
Reply #116 - Nov 14th, 2015 at 8:39pm
 
Panther wrote on Nov 14th, 2015 at 8:37pm:
Oprah goes to the doctor with a sore throat.

He says, "Take off all of your clothes, lie on your back on my table, and spread your legs as wide as you can."

She says, "How will that help my sore throat?"

He says, "It won't, but I want to see how my house will look painted black with pink shutters."   Cheesy Cheesy Cheesy

Tongue Tongue Tongue Grin Grin Grin Grin Tongue Tongue Tongue Tongue Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin
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Reply #117 - Nov 14th, 2015 at 8:49pm
 



Guiseppi walks into work.

He says, "Ey, Tony! You know who's-a George Washington?"

Tony says, "No, Guiseppi, who's-a George Washington?"

He says, "Hah! George-a Washington's the first-a President of-a United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen!"

A couple of days later, Guiseppi walks into work and says, "Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"

Tony says, "No, Guiseppi, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"

He says, "Hah! Abraham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen!"

A guy in the back of the shop yells,
"Yo, Guiseppi...you know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?"

Guiseppi says, "No. Who's-a Fishlips Lorenzo?"

The guy yells, "He's the guy who's been bangin' the sh!t outa yer old lady while you been in night school!!"  Cheesy Cheesy Cheesy


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Reply #118 - Nov 14th, 2015 at 8:58pm
 



A guy goes to the zoo to feed the monkeys.

He throws the monkey a peanut.

The monkey picks up the peanut, sticks it in his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The guy goes, "Gaddam that's freekin disgusting!"

He throws the monkey another peanut.

The monkey picks up the peanut, sticks it in his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The guy goes, "Gaddam that's freekin disgusting!!"

He goes to the zookeeper, and he says, "Man, that is one very freekin stupid monkey you got there!"

The zookeeper says, "No, actually that's a very smart monkey.

Last week, somebody threw him a big peach, and he ate it, and he couldn't pass the friggin  pit, so now he measures everything first!"   Cheesy Cheesy Cheesy


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Re: jokes
Reply #119 - Nov 14th, 2015 at 11:04pm
 
Avatars are interesting. Your jokes explain yours.
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No political allegiance. No philosophy. No religion.
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #120 - Nov 16th, 2015 at 6:34am
 
I just send em on!

1.   Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
 
2. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
 
3. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit? Yes or No
 
4. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.  Your assignment: underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 2000s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, feel free to express your feelings [e.g., anger, anxiety, inadequacy, helplessness etc.])

Should you require debriefing at conclusion of exam, there are counsellors available to assist you to adjust back into the real world.
 
6. Teaching Math In 2050
 
محمد خفض كل الأشجار الكافر في منطقة الشرق الأوسط. شرح لماذا هذا لا ينبغي أن تقدم له عدد لا حصر له من الحور العين في الجنة.

Mohamed cut down all the infidel trees in the middle east.
Explain why this should not give him an infinite number of virgins in heaven.


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Re: jokes
Reply #121 - Nov 25th, 2015 at 6:38am
 
t is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are over-sensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Maggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Maggy to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch each day in the Men’s Grill at the Golf Club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take ’em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the front lawn. I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Maggy. I’m not saying that showing this much patience and consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.


NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Maggy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her “Not Guilty”, accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
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Re: jokes
Reply #122 - Nov 25th, 2015 at 9:07am
 
Grin Grin Grin
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Our esteemed leader:
I hope that bitch who was running their brothels for them gets raped with a cactus.
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #123 - Nov 25th, 2015 at 9:56am
 
Very good. You might be interested in a British TV series called Potter, where the main character could be the guy in your story.
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Know the enemies of a civil society by their public behaviour, by their fraudulent claim to be liberal-progressive, by their propensity to lie and, above all, by their attachment to authoritarianism.
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #124 - Nov 25th, 2015 at 10:00am
 
bogarde73 wrote on Nov 25th, 2015 at 9:56am:
Very good. You might be interested in a British TV series called Potter, where the main character could be the guy in your story.


good series .. haven't seen it in years


first person that came to my mind when reading it was George from George and Mildred.
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Our esteemed leader:
I hope that bitch who was running their brothels for them gets raped with a cactus.
 
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Reply #125 - Nov 25th, 2015 at 1:58pm
 



...
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When government fears the People there is Freedom & Liberty!"

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Re: jokes
Reply #126 - Nov 25th, 2015 at 3:14pm
 
...
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Re: jokes
Reply #127 - Nov 25th, 2015 at 4:08pm
 
IDIOT SIGHTINGS:

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 note. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25 cents.

She said, 'you gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25 c, and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.


IDIOT SIGHTING:

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.  He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'



IDIOT SIGHTING :

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the local council P & W office to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'


IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.


IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'


IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'



IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our
car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.  'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it’s open!'
His reply,  'I know. I already got that side'


STAY ALERT!   
They walk among us... and vote ALP/Greens  Wink
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Re: jokes
Reply #128 - Nov 25th, 2015 at 4:55pm
 
Neferti wrote on Nov 25th, 2015 at 4:08pm:
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.  He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'




I didn't know Hockey was a garage door repairer before politics.  Cheesy Cheesy Cheesy
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I hope that bitch who was running their brothels for them gets raped with a cactus.
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #129 - Nov 26th, 2015 at 10:37pm
 
John Smith wrote on Nov 25th, 2015 at 4:55pm:
Neferti wrote on Nov 25th, 2015 at 4:08pm:
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.  He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'



I didn't know Hockey was a garage door repairer before politics.  Cheesy Cheesy Cheesy


Longyathematics... it's a new science.....

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“Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passion, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.”
― John Adams
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #130 - Nov 27th, 2015 at 1:20am
 
An ATF man stopped at a ranch in rural Texas and talked to the farmer. He told him, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

"Okay, but whatever you do, don't go into that field o'vair," as he pointed to the west.

The government man exploded, "Mister, I have the authority to go wherever I want to," reaching into his rear pants pocket and displaying his badge to the farmer. "See this here badge? I have the authority given to me by the US government and this means I can go anywhere I want, on any land, no questions asked. Have I made myself clear?"

The old farmer nodded politely and went about his chores.

A few minutes later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the ATF man running for his life, being chased by his prize bull, the government man terrified.

The old farmer threw down his tools, runs to the fence and yells,

"Your badge!! Show him your badge!!"
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The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left. ~Ecc. 10:2
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #131 - Nov 27th, 2015 at 5:37pm
 
I think whoever invented predictive text is a complete aunt.
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Re: jokes
Reply #132 - Nov 28th, 2015 at 6:19pm
 
...
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Re: jokes
Reply #133 - Nov 29th, 2015 at 8:05am
 
50 Shades of Grey - BY PAM AYRES
(a husband's point of view)

The missus bought a Paperback,
Down Shepton Mallet way.
I had a look inside her bag..
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it
and at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared,
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left hand she held a rope,
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago,
I might have had a peek.
But Mabel hasn't weathered well,
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse.
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet
A couple minutes later.
She put her teeth back in and said…
“I am the dominator!!”
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered.
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered...
She stood there nude and naked,
Bent forward just a bit.
I went to hold her, sensual like,
And stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out.
My God what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out…
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can tell no more
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.
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Re: jokes
Reply #134 - Dec 1st, 2015 at 5:21pm
 
A man went to Macquarie Street in Sydney having seen an ad for a
> Gynecologist's Assistant.
> Naturally interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
>
> The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the
> ladies ready for the gynecologist.
> "You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and
> carefully wash their private
> regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair,
> then rub in soothing oils
> so they're ready for the gynecologists examination."
> "The annual salary is $95,000, and if you're interested you'll have to
> go to Brisbane "
>
> " My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man.
> She answered: "No Sir, that's where the end of the queue is."
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Re: jokes
Reply #135 - Dec 1st, 2015 at 7:49pm
 



Q: What's the difference between a Muslim and a vampire?
A: At some point the vampire will stop being bloodthirsty.


Q: What's the difference between Mike Tyson and Osama Bin Laden?
A: Mike Tyson could take a shot to the head.


Q: What do you call a drunken Muslim?
A: Mohammered.


Q:
What do Muslim men do during foreplay?
A: Tickle the goat under the chin.


Q: What do you call a Muslim woman with an opinion?
A: Anything you want she's already been stoned to death



Q: What's the difference between a microwave and a Islamic extremist?
A: A microwave doesn't blow up every time the timer goes off.


I went to a Muslim birthday party last night. Damn if that wasn't the fastest game of Hot Potato I've ever seen!



In Mumbai, a man is going to jump off the building. Up rushes good Hindu cop to talk him down. Cop yells up to the man "Don't jump! Think of your father" Man replies "Haven't got a father; I'm going to jump."

The cop goes through a list of relatives, mother, brothers, sister, etc. Each time man says "haven't got one; going to jump."

Desperate the cop yells up "Don't jump! Think of Lord Krishna" Man replies "Who is that?"

Cop yells "Jump, Muslim! You're blocking traffic!"



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When government fears the People there is Freedom & Liberty!"

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Re: jokes
Reply #136 - Dec 1st, 2015 at 11:58pm
 
Many may have noticed I've not been online here very much.

That's because I've landed a contract with the Assad Gov't in Syria to make land mines that look like Moslem Prayer Rugs.

Let me tell you that business has been booming and prophets have been going through the roof.
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The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left. ~Ecc. 10:2
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #137 - Dec 14th, 2015 at 8:37pm
 
And one from Ronnie Barker

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.  The sugly isters were right bugly astards.

One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.  Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian.

She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. ‘Mist all chucking frighty!!!’ said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella’s door and the sugly isters let him in… Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart.

‘Who’s fust jarted??’  asked the prandsome hince.  ‘Blame that fugly ucker over there!!’ said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married.

The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!
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Re: jokes
Reply #138 - Dec 22nd, 2015 at 10:30am
 
helpwithprostateproblems@desperate4A/
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Know the enemies of a civil society by their public behaviour, by their fraudulent claim to be liberal-progressive, by their propensity to lie and, above all, by their attachment to authoritarianism.
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #139 - Dec 23rd, 2015 at 6:15am
 
Tobacco companies are actually very honest.
Their products deliver exactly what the health warnings promise.
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Know the enemies of a civil society by their public behaviour, by their fraudulent claim to be liberal-progressive, by their propensity to lie and, above all, by their attachment to authoritarianism.
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #140 - Dec 23rd, 2015 at 9:34am
 


They asked Monica Lewinsky if Bill Cosby's as disgusting as Bill Clinton ...



She said, "Close ................ but no cigar."   Cheesy Cheesy





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"When the People fear government there is Tyranny;
When government fears the People there is Freedom & Liberty!"

'
Live FREE or DIE!
'
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #141 - Dec 23rd, 2015 at 9:40am
 


Dirty Johnny....

Here we are in the classroom.

The teacher says, "All right, class, it's time for Sex Education," and she draws a huge penis on the blackboard.
   
She says, "Can anyone tell me what that is?"
   
Dirty Johnny stands up and says, "I can tell you what dat is. It's a penis. And you know how I know? My old man's got two of 'em."
   
The teacher says, "Two of them??!
Are you sure, son?"
   
Johnny says, "Of course I'm sure.

The little one he uses to pee, and the big one he uses to brush the babysitter's teeth." 
  Cheesy Cheesy Cheesy



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"When the People fear government there is Tyranny;
When government fears the People there is Freedom & Liberty!"

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Live FREE or DIE!
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mitasol
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Re: jokes
Reply #142 - Dec 24th, 2015 at 8:05am
 
A young man with his pants hanging half off his arse, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the Centrelink to sign some paperwork. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing and all that." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2015 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes." "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have to, as part of your job, satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it." .....
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mitasol
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Re: jokes
Reply #143 - Dec 24th, 2015 at 8:07am
 
You can justifiably say lots of bad things about paedophiles'

But at least they drive slowly past schools.
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Re: jokes
Reply #144 - Dec 24th, 2015 at 8:18am
 
A quick conservationist joke:

Two baby seals walked into a club...
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On the 26th of January you are all invited to celebrate little white penal day...

"They're not rules as such, more like guidelines" Pirates of the Caribbean..
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #145 - Dec 28th, 2015 at 9:06pm
 
I'll bet you laugh just like we all do when a bloke gets a cricket ball into the 'groin.'

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Re: jokes
Reply #146 - Dec 29th, 2015 at 9:02am
 



The morning after the High School Prom a woman gets a text from her daughter:

"Mom, I'm freaking out. I got drunk, I'm at the beach and I got cum in my hair."

Her mother texts back, "I'm really glad you're so open with me.

Very often a guy will pull it out of your mouth to shoot on your face and some of it gets in your hair.

Just jump in the water, it'll wash right out."


The girl texts back, "Thanks so much for sharing. Mom ... but I meant to type gum."




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When government fears the People there is Freedom & Liberty!"

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Live FREE or DIE!
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Re: jokes
Reply #147 - Dec 29th, 2015 at 10:58am
 
Here is a Christmas one.  It has been around many times before, I think, but worth another giggle.

Quote:
Timmy's Christmas Letter


Dear Santa,

How are you?  How is Mrs. Claus?  I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine.  I have been a very good boy this year.  I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 6 for Christmas.  I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,

Timmy Jones

***********************************

Dear Timmy,

Thank you for your letter.  Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them.  I am a little worried about all the time you spend playing video games and texting.  I  wouldn't want you to get fat.  Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.

Merry Christmas,

Santa Claus

******************************************

Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the "Naughty vs. Nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for.  I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation.  Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respectfully,

Tim Jones

**************************************

Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided.  Should you wish to pursue legal action, well, that is your right.  Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court.

Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus

************************************

Now look here, Fat Man, I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it.  I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this.  Now you just be disrespecting me.  I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want.  WHATEVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone

*******************************************

Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously???  You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe?  "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake."  Sound familiar, genius?  You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal.  I got your poo wired, Jack.  I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement.  You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry.  Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy

**************************************

Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit.  I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy

*************************************

Timmy,

That's what I thought, you little bastard.

Santa


Grin Grin Grin
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Re: jokes
Reply #148 - Dec 29th, 2015 at 11:18am
 
Here's on on "Life".  Cool

Quote:
Life


On the first day, God created the dog and said, “sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry, and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.


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Re: jokes
Reply #149 - Dec 29th, 2015 at 1:20pm
 
One for the Technically Minded

...
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Life's Journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting,
"Holy Sh!t ... What a Ride!"
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #150 - Jan 6th, 2016 at 5:54pm
 
A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"
The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."
The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."
The man replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't open... and that's a maintenance matter."
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Re: jokes
Reply #151 - Jan 7th, 2016 at 5:41pm
 
It must be true....

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Re: jokes
Reply #152 - Jan 8th, 2016 at 1:02am
 
Vic wrote on Jan 7th, 2016 at 5:41pm:
It must be true....



Found that very funny. I'm suspecting the children will count to 10 in two bits.

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Re: jokes
Reply #153 - Jan 11th, 2016 at 8:41am
 
British humour as it used to be: but now absolutely politically incorrect and very funny!
................................................................................
..........................................................................
It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting some Tide washing powder in to stop the coloureds from running.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Following the riots in Tottenham, it's important to remind ourselves that not all black people are stereotypical liars, thieves and arsonists. Many are drug  dealers.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Riots in Birmingham last month caused over £1 million worth of improvements
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Muslims have gone on the rampage in Manchester, killing anyone who's English.. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 8 or 9.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
They've had to cancel the pantomime 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Manchester and London.   Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." But, since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works great!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque...
They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside. 
============================================
During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know they were living up there".
=============================================
Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now. 
=============================================
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low.
============================================= 
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony, shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?" 
=============================================
An Emergency Call Centre worker has been fired in Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal.

It seems that a caller dialled 911 from a cell phone stating,

"I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah."

To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."

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Panther
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Re: jokes
Reply #154 - Jan 11th, 2016 at 3:40pm
 
Hung Chow calls into work and says, “Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomachache and legs hurt, I no come work.”

The boss says, “You know Hung Chow, I really need you today.

When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.

...

That make everything better and I go work. You try that.”

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.

“Boss, I do what you say and I feel great.

I be at work soon.

You got nice house.”

Cheesy Cheesy Cheesy
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"When the People fear government there is Tyranny;
When government fears the People there is Freedom & Liberty!"

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Live FREE or DIE!
'
 
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John Smith
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Re: jokes
Reply #155 - Jan 11th, 2016 at 3:42pm
 
mitasol wrote on Jan 6th, 2016 at 5:54pm:
A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"
The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."
The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."
The man replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't open... and that's a maintenance matter."



Grin Grin Grin
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Our esteemed leader:
I hope that bitch who was running their brothels for them gets raped with a cactus.
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #156 - Jan 11th, 2016 at 6:51pm
 
Chess is a game of slow, tactical racism.
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Re: jokes
Reply #157 - Jan 17th, 2016 at 6:28pm
 
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning the bitch in the morning.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did.......?
she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "paedophile" and other names at me, just because?my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.?
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The thing I love most about hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the?Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another?man of the same calibre."
-----------------------------------------------------------
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.
____________________________________________________
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel?sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?
17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am notunderstanding the question please."
-----------------------------------------------------------
On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependents?"
Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakistanis, Somalis, single mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads, and non-English speaking people" isn't the right answer.
They've sent my form back.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The queen says she doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at her jubilee celebrations. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she?wants the 12 clothes pegs back.
Back to top
 

Football, Meat Pies, Kangaroos and Liberal Lies
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Sprintcyclist
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Re: jokes
Reply #158 - Jan 17th, 2016 at 6:36pm
 
Neferti wrote on Jan 11th, 2016 at 8:41am:
British humour as it used to be: but now absolutely politically incorrect and very funny!
................................................................................
..........................................................................
It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting some Tide washing powder in to stop the coloureds from running.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Following the riots in Tottenham, it's important to remind ourselves that not all black people are stereotypical liars, thieves and arsonists. Many are drug  dealers.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Riots in Birmingham last month caused over £1 million worth of improvements
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Muslims have gone on the rampage in Manchester, killing anyone who's English.. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 8 or 9.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
They've had to cancel the pantomime 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Manchester and London.   Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." But, since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works great!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque...
They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside. 
============================================
During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know they were living up there".
=============================================
Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now. 
=============================================
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low.
============================================= 
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony, shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?" 
=============================================
An Emergency Call Centre worker has been fired in Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal.

It seems that a caller dialled 911 from a cell phone stating,

"I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah."

To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."




very good nef
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Sprintcyclist
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Re: jokes
Reply #159 - Jan 17th, 2016 at 6:37pm
 
Vic wrote on Jan 17th, 2016 at 6:28pm:
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning the bitch in the morning.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did.......?
she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "paedophile" and other names at me, just because?my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.?
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The thing I love most about hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the?Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another?man of the same calibre."
-----------------------------------------------------------
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.
____________________________________________________
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel?sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?
17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am notunderstanding the question please."
-----------------------------------------------------------
On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependents?"
Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakistanis, Somalis, single mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads, and non-English speaking people" isn't the right answer.
They've sent my form back.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The queen says she doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at her jubilee celebrations. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she?wants the 12 clothes pegs back.



very good
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Re: jokes
Reply #160 - Jan 18th, 2016 at 8:07am
 
woops!
  A new Essendon Band
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image1.jpg (63 KB | 29 )
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Football, Meat Pies, Kangaroos and Liberal Lies
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Re: jokes
Reply #161 - Jan 20th, 2016 at 5:35am
 

I have questions!

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea...does that mean that one out of five enjoy it?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?


If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?


Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you're broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?

Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that, no matter what colour bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will ever open from the first end you try?

How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

And A FAVORITE:
The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends. If they're OK..? (then it's you!)

REMEMBER, A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!
And a day without sunshine is, like.......... well, it's like night really !!!!
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Re: jokes
Reply #162 - Jan 22nd, 2016 at 4:41pm
 


Grin
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Re: jokes
Reply #163 - Jan 22nd, 2016 at 4:46pm
 
That is doing the rounds on FB.  It makes no sense to me because...whatever caused the pop/fire was hardly going to do much damage to anyone other than the bloke wearing the vest.
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Re: jokes
Reply #164 - Jan 22nd, 2016 at 4:48pm
 
Stop trying to nit pick.  It's funny.  Laugh for once in your life   Grin
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Re: jokes
Reply #165 - Jan 22nd, 2016 at 4:51pm
 
Black Orchid wrote on Jan 22nd, 2016 at 4:48pm:
Stop trying to nit pick.  It's funny.  Laugh for once in your life   Grin


If it's real.....it is hardly 'funny.'
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Re: jokes
Reply #166 - Jan 22nd, 2016 at 5:14pm
 
Black Orchid wrote on Jan 22nd, 2016 at 4:48pm:
Stop trying to nit pick.  It's funny.  Laugh for once in your life   Grin



it's not even slightly funny
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I hope that bitch who was running their brothels for them gets raped with a cactus.
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #167 - Jan 22nd, 2016 at 5:16pm
 
Why not?  Do you think he strapped on explosive just to run to the corner store to get some milk?

Just desserts is what I say.
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Re: jokes
Reply #168 - Jan 22nd, 2016 at 7:16pm
 
Black Orchid wrote on Jan 22nd, 2016 at 5:16pm:
Why not?  Do you think he strapped on explosive just to run to the corner store to get some milk?

Just desserts is what I say.


No entree, main course? Undecided

How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?
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Re: jokes
Reply #169 - Jan 22nd, 2016 at 8:11pm
 
Black Orchid wrote on Jan 22nd, 2016 at 5:16pm:
Why not?  Do you think he strapped on explosive just to run to the corner store to get some milk?

Just desserts is what I say.


Is that an explosive, or a fizzer?  I reckon it is total fake, and there is no humour in it at all.
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Re: jokes
Reply #170 - Jan 22nd, 2016 at 8:42pm
 
Black Orchid wrote on Jan 22nd, 2016 at 4:48pm:
Stop trying to nit pick.  It's funny.  Laugh for once in your life   Grin


I like a laugh but that was crap
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Re: jokes
Reply #171 - Jan 22nd, 2016 at 11:48pm
 
Black Orchid wrote on Jan 22nd, 2016 at 4:41pm:


Grin
thats funny.
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Re: jokes
Reply #172 - Jan 23rd, 2016 at 8:38am
 
"The Bishop of London has applauded two London priests for 'reaching out' to their Muslim parishioners by growing 'opulent' beards.

Rt Reverend Richard Chartres singled out two priests in Tower Hamlets - the Rev. Adam Atkinson, Vicar of St Peter's church in Bethnal Green, and Rev. Cris Rogers of All Hallows Bow - who have grown bushy beards".


Best joke of the weeks.

link
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Re: jokes
Reply #173 - Jan 23rd, 2016 at 10:38am
 
What do you call the priest who wasnt a peado ?

Dont be silly , they're all peados .
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Re: jokes
Reply #174 - Jan 23rd, 2016 at 10:47am
 

...
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Reply #175 - Jan 23rd, 2016 at 10:53am
 


Jew walks onto a bus, holding a large dufflebag. He asks for a senior discount, even though he couldn't be much older than 40. Driver asks for his ID, the Jew complains and refuses to pay full fare. It goes back and forth between the driver and Jew, both too stubborn to give in. In a rage, the driver throws the Jews dufflebag off the bus, and it tumbles down a hill. The Jew exclaims "What the puck?! Just because I didn't pay full fare you try to kill my son
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Re: jokes
Reply #176 - Jan 31st, 2016 at 3:49pm
 
A smart arse question (and yeas, I do get that the meaning of the word legal is stretched a tad:)



A young law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "OK then. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer.  Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer "It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Now your wife has a 22 year old lover, which  is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."
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Re: jokes
Reply #177 - Feb 1st, 2016 at 8:16am
 
AGING @ ROMANCE:

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek, and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

---//---

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT  CENTER

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.

She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says "Close enough."

---//---

OLD  FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the  years, they had  shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said:
"How soon do you need to know?"

---//---

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Vernon, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-5. Please be  careful!"

"Hell!" said Vernon, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"

---//---


SUPERSEX

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex!"

She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair,  flipping her gown at him, she said "Supersex."

He sat silently for a  moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the  soup."

---//---

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the  dashboard.

As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh crap! Am I driving?"



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When government fears the People there is Freedom & Liberty!"

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Re: jokes
Reply #178 - Feb 1st, 2016 at 8:37am
 
not funny panther! Sad
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Re: jokes
Reply #179 - Feb 1st, 2016 at 8:59am
 
...cods wrote on Feb 1st, 2016 at 8:37am:
not funny panther! Sad


An old Southern guy's got a pond on his farm.

One day he hears giggling and splashing, so he grabs a pail and heads for the pond.

When he gets there, there's three young girls skinny dipping.

When they see him, they swim to the far and of the pond.

One of the girls says, "We're not climbing out of here buck naked with you standing there."


The ole farmer says, "I'm not here to see you girls naked.

No sure E ...... Nope, I'm here to feed the alligator."
Cool

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When government fears the People there is Freedom & Liberty!"

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Reply #180 - Feb 1st, 2016 at 9:23am
 
Dirty Johnny looks at his mother coming out of the shower and says "Hey, Ma, you sure are gettin' fat."

She says, "Yes, John. You see, I'm pregnant. I have a baby growing in my belly."


He says, "What's growin' in your ass?"

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Re: jokes
Reply #181 - Feb 1st, 2016 at 9:27am
 
Who's the world's greatest athlete?
..







..

A guy who finishes first and third in a jerkoff contest!
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Reply #182 - Feb 1st, 2016 at 9:31am
 
What's the worst thing about  havin' sex with farm animals?
..








..

The next time you see them, they act like they don't even know you.  Sad
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Reply #183 - Feb 1st, 2016 at 9:37am
 

A guy walks into a doctor's office and sticks out his nine-inch tongue ..........

..
i

..

The nurse squeals, "Ahhhhhhhhhhhh ... "
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Re: jokes
Reply #184 - Feb 1st, 2016 at 9:45am
 

Well done Panther
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Modern Classic Right Wing
 
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Reply #185 - Feb 1st, 2016 at 9:58am
 
A man on a work assignment in Saudi Arab who'd just left his wife began feeling depressed and was having thoughts of self harm and even suicide. He phoned the local Arabic version of Lifeline, and after a bit of mucking he finally got an English speaking counsellor who was very sympathetic and they had a long and meaningful chat. At the end of the call the counsellor asked, hey just  curious, do you have a pilots licence?
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Re: jokes
Reply #186 - Feb 1st, 2016 at 9:59am
 
Just remember guys, Jokes don't kill people.
Muslims who are offended by jokes kill people.

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Re: jokes
Reply #187 - Feb 2nd, 2016 at 6:20pm
 
Panther wrote on Feb 1st, 2016 at 9:27am:
Who's the world's greatest athlete?
..







..

A guy who finishes first and third in a jerkoff contest!


Raven thought Jim Jones was the worlds greatest athlete. After all he knocked out 909 people with one punch...
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Quoth the Raven "Nevermore"

Raven would rather ask questions that may never be answered, then accept answers which must never be questioned.
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #188 - Feb 3rd, 2016 at 9:36am
 
•        How does Moses make tea?   Hebrews it. 
•        Venison for dinner again?   Oh deer!
•        A cartoonist was found dead in his home.  Details are sketchy.
•        I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
•        Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
•        England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
•        I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
•        They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
•        I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
•        Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
•        I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
•        I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
•        This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
•        When chemists die, they barium.
•        I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.  I just can't put it down.
•        I did a theatrical performance about puns.  It was a play on words.
•        Why were the Indians here first?  They had reservations.
•        I didn't like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me.
•        Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control               her pupils?
•        When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
•        Broken pencils are pointless.
•        What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?  A thesaurus.
•       I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
•       All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen.  The police have nothing to go on.
•       I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
•        Velcro - what a rip off!
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1. There has never been a more serious assault on our standard of living than Anthropogenic Global Warming..Ajax
2. "One hour of freedom is worth more than 40 years of slavery &  prison" Regas Feraeos
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #189 - Feb 6th, 2016 at 10:45pm
 


...


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Reply #190 - Feb 7th, 2016 at 12:00pm
 
Fer da guy wit da one lienaah's:

Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
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Reply #191 - Feb 7th, 2016 at 2:32pm
 


AN AIRPLANE WAS ABOUT TO CRASH; THERE WERE 5 PASSENGERS ON BOARD, BUT ONLY 4 PARACHUTES.

THE FIRST PASSENGER, HOLLY MADISON SAID, "I HAVE MY OWN REALITY SHOW AND I AM THE SMARTEST AND PRETTIEST WOMAN AT PLAYBOY, SO AMERICANS DON'T WANT ME TO DIE." SHE TOOK THE FIRST PACK AND JUMPED OUT OF THE PLANE.

THE SECOND PASSENGER, JOHN MCCAIN, SAID, "I'M A SENATOR, AND A DECORATED WAR HERO FROM AN ELITE NAVY UNIT FROM THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA." SO HE GRABBED THE SECOND PACK AND JUMPED.

THE THIRD PASSENGER, DONALD TRUMP SAID, "I AM GOING TO BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, I AM THE SMARTEST MAN IN OUR COUNTRY, AND I WILL MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN".

SO HE GRABBED THE PACK NEXT TO HIM AND JUMPED OUT.

THE FOURTH PASSENGER, BILLY GRAHAM, SAID TO THE FIFTH PASSENGER, A 10-YEAR-OLD SCHOOLGIRL, "I HAVE LIVED A FULL LIFE AND SERVED MY GOD THE BEST I COULD. I WILL SACRIFICE MY LIFE AND LET YOU HAVE THE LAST PARACHUTE."            

THE LITTLE GIRL SAID, "THAT'S OKAY, MR. GRAHAM. THERE'S A PARACHUTE LEFT FOR YOU. THE SMARTEST MAN IN AMERICA TOOK MY SCHOOLBAG."
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Re: jokes
Reply #192 - Feb 7th, 2016 at 3:30pm
 
Aussie wrote on Feb 7th, 2016 at 2:32pm:
AN AIRPLANE WAS ABOUT TO CRASH; THERE WERE 5 PASSENGERS ON BOARD, BUT ONLY 4 PARACHUTES.

THE FIRST PASSENGER, HOLLY MADISON SAID, "I HAVE MY OWN REALITY SHOW AND I AM THE SMARTEST AND PRETTIEST WOMAN AT PLAYBOY, SO AMERICANS DON'T WANT ME TO DIE." SHE TOOK THE FIRST PACK AND JUMPED OUT OF THE PLANE.

THE SECOND PASSENGER, JOHN MCCAIN, SAID, "I'M A SENATOR, AND A DECORATED WAR HERO FROM AN ELITE NAVY UNIT FROM THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA." SO HE GRABBED THE SECOND PACK AND JUMPED.

THE THIRD PASSENGER, DONALD TRUMP SAID, "I AM GOING TO BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, I AM THE SMARTEST MAN IN OUR COUNTRY, AND I WILL MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN".

SO HE GRABBED THE PACK NEXT TO HIM AND JUMPED OUT.

THE FOURTH PASSENGER, BILLY GRAHAM, SAID TO THE FIFTH PASSENGER, A 10-YEAR-OLD SCHOOLGIRL, "I HAVE LIVED A FULL LIFE AND SERVED MY GOD THE BEST I COULD. I WILL SACRIFICE MY LIFE AND LET YOU HAVE THE LAST PARACHUTE."            

THE LITTLE GIRL SAID, "THAT'S OKAY, MR. GRAHAM. THERE'S A PARACHUTE LEFT FOR YOU. THE SMARTEST MAN IN AMERICA TOOK MY SCHOOLBAG."


Were the Englishman, Irishman, Frenchman and American busy that day?
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Re: jokes
Reply #193 - Feb 7th, 2016 at 3:44pm
 
Must have been, ey!
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Re: jokes
Reply #194 - Feb 8th, 2016 at 5:19pm
 
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.
2. `Find Amelia Earhart yet?`
3. `Can you hear me NOW?`
4. `Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?`
5. `You know, in Arkansas, we`re now legally married.`
6. `Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?`
7. `You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...`
8. `Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!`
9. `If your hand doesn`t fit, you must quit!`
10. `Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.
11. `You used to be an executive at Enron, didn`t you?`
12. `God, now I know why I am not gay`
13. `Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?`
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Re: jokes
Reply #195 - Feb 8th, 2016 at 6:51pm
 
No 13 caused a giggle.
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Re: jokes
Reply #196 - Feb 8th, 2016 at 7:06pm
 
Husband receives phone  call from his wife.

- Do you want the good news or the bad news?
- Give me the good news.
- The air bag works.

Quote:
A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror pulls to the side of the road.

A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car. The man says, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: "You were doing 120km/hr in a 100k  zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you."

Man: No officer, I was only doing 98.

Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 120! (The man gives wife dirty look.)

Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks! (The man gives his wife another a dirty look.)

Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!

The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For crying' out loud, can't you just shut up?!"

The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

Wife says, "No officer, Only when he's drunk."

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Re: jokes
Reply #197 - Feb 8th, 2016 at 7:11pm
 
Another fellow dies, and he goes to Hell. He's extremely upset upon finding out where he's going, but Satan says, "Hey! Hey! Don't worry about it! Actually we get a lot of bad press. Really, it's not so bad. For example, do you like to drink?"

"Well, yeah," says the man.

"Great! You're going to love Mondays! All we do is drink. Every kind of liquor. Beer, wine, rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, champagne, all the best stuff. It's all free, and you can drink as much as you want, and you get all buzzed but you never get sick and you never get a hangover, because you're already dead!"

"Wow! Cool!" says the fellow, who's a little bit happier.

"Do you like to eat?" says Satan.

"Well, of course," says the man.

"Well, you're going to love Tuesdays. On Tuesdays all we do is gorge ourselves. There's a huge buffet, of all the best kinds of food - turkey, venison, caviar, salmon, -- and let's not even talk about the desserts! And you never get overstuffed, and you never get fat, because you're already dead!"

"Is that ever great!" says the man.

"Oh, it gets better! Do you like to gamble?" says Satan.

"Well, I've been to a few casinos in my time..." says the man.

"Well, you're going to love Wednesdays! All we do is gamble. Roulette, poker, blackjack, baccarat, horse racing, everything, and you never run out of money!"

"Holy cow!" says the man.

"That's nothing! Do you like to take drugs?"

"Sure!" says the man.

"Well, you're going to love Thursdays! All we do is do drugs, all day. The best bud you've ever had, cocaine, heroin, ecstasy, crystal meth, anything you want, and you never have a bad trip, and you never get addicted, because hey, you're dead!"

"Wow!" says the guy, who's completely enthused.

"That's not the end of it!" says the Devil. "Are you gay?"

"What?" says the man. "No, I'm not gay."

The devil's face falls. "Oh, poo. You're not gonna like Fridays."
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Re: jokes
Reply #198 - Feb 8th, 2016 at 7:13pm
 
So--the Pope dies and goes to heaven where Saint Peter personally greets him at the Pearly Gates.
"Pope," says St. Peter, "you've been a good person and are one helluva (har har) guy so if there's anything you need or want to do up here, just let me know and I'll set you up."
"Well," the Pope says hesitantly, "there is one thing. I've always wanted to read the original version of the Bible just to see what got lost in translation."
"No problem, "says St. Peter and quickly ushers the Pope to Gods Library (Special Collections Branch) where the original Bible is kept. He sits the Pope down in front of the massive tome and says "Here you go and remember, if you need anything, just holler and I'll be right there." The Pope agrees and happily begins to read.
Nobody hears anything from him for years and years until one day suddenly a loud scream (followed by various and asundry curses) erupts from the Library.
Saint Peter hurries over and sees the Pope standing in front of the original Bible, pointing at a particular verse and saying "No no no" over and over again.
"What's wrong, what's wrong?" Saint Peter gasps as he hurries up to the Pope.
"It says celeBRATE, celeBRATE!!!" the Pope yells.
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Re: jokes
Reply #199 - Feb 8th, 2016 at 7:17pm
 
PLUS one for Aussie.  Grin Grin

Quote:
A Lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter. "Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Lawyers in heaven." "What?" exclaims the man, astonished. "You heard, no Lawyers." "But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Lawyer. "Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?" "Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 dollars to the starving children in Africa". "Oh" says St.Peter. "anything else?" "Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 dollars to the homeless." "Hmmm. Anything else?" "Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 dollars to the Albanian orphans." "Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss." Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.

He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty dollars back, now bugger off".
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Re: jokes
Reply #200 - Feb 8th, 2016 at 7:17pm
 
Neferti wrote on Feb 8th, 2016 at 7:13pm:
So--the Pope dies and goes to heaven where Saint Peter personally greets him at the Pearly Gates.
"Pope," says St. Peter, "you've been a good person and are one helluva (har har) guy so if there's anything you need or want to do up here, just let me know and I'll set you up."
"Well," the Pope says hesitantly, "there is one thing. I've always wanted to read the original version of the Bible just to see what got lost in translation."
"No problem, "says St. Peter and quickly ushers the Pope to Gods Library (Special Collections Branch) where the original Bible is kept. He sits the Pope down in front of the massive tome and says "Here you go and remember, if you need anything, just holler and I'll be right there." The Pope agrees and happily begins to read.
Nobody hears anything from him for years and years until one day suddenly a loud scream (followed by various and asundry curses) erupts from the Library.
Saint Peter hurries over and sees the Pope standing in front of the original Bible, pointing at a particular verse and saying "No no no" over and over again.
"What's wrong, what's wrong?" Saint Peter gasps as he hurries up to the Pope.
"It says celeBRATE, celeBRATE!!!" the Pope yells.


Soooooo......where is the funny bit?
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Re: jokes
Reply #201 - Feb 8th, 2016 at 7:38pm
 
Aussie wrote on Feb 8th, 2016 at 7:17pm:
Neferti wrote on Feb 8th, 2016 at 7:13pm:
So--the Pope dies and goes to heaven where Saint Peter personally greets him at the Pearly Gates.
"Pope," says St. Peter, "you've been a good person and are one helluva (har har) guy so if there's anything you need or want to do up here, just let me know and I'll set you up."
"Well," the Pope says hesitantly, "there is one thing. I've always wanted to read the original version of the Bible just to see what got lost in translation."
"No problem, "says St. Peter and quickly ushers the Pope to Gods Library (Special Collections Branch) where the original Bible is kept. He sits the Pope down in front of the massive tome and says "Here you go and remember, if you need anything, just holler and I'll be right there." The Pope agrees and happily begins to read.
Nobody hears anything from him for years and years until one day suddenly a loud scream (followed by various and asundry curses) erupts from the Library.
Saint Peter hurries over and sees the Pope standing in front of the original Bible, pointing at a particular verse and saying "No no no" over and over again.
"What's wrong, what's wrong?" Saint Peter gasps as he hurries up to the Pope.
"It says celeBRATE, celeBRATE!!!" the Pope yells.


Soooooo......where is the funny bit?


Don't you know the difference  between CELIBATE and Celebrate?  Apparently not. So now EVERYONE is laughing at you, aussie,  Roll Eyes
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Re: jokes
Reply #202 - Feb 8th, 2016 at 8:01pm
 
Neferti wrote on Feb 8th, 2016 at 7:38pm:
Aussie wrote on Feb 8th, 2016 at 7:17pm:
Neferti wrote on Feb 8th, 2016 at 7:13pm:
So--the Pope dies and goes to heaven where Saint Peter personally greets him at the Pearly Gates.
"Pope," says St. Peter, "you've been a good person and are one helluva (har har) guy so if there's anything you need or want to do up here, just let me know and I'll set you up."
"Well," the Pope says hesitantly, "there is one thing. I've always wanted to read the original version of the Bible just to see what got lost in translation."
"No problem, "says St. Peter and quickly ushers the Pope to Gods Library (Special Collections Branch) where the original Bible is kept. He sits the Pope down in front of the massive tome and says "Here you go and remember, if you need anything, just holler and I'll be right there." The Pope agrees and happily begins to read.
Nobody hears anything from him for years and years until one day suddenly a loud scream (followed by various and asundry curses) erupts from the Library.
Saint Peter hurries over and sees the Pope standing in front of the original Bible, pointing at a particular verse and saying "No no no" over and over again.
"What's wrong, what's wrong?" Saint Peter gasps as he hurries up to the Pope.
"It says celeBRATE, celeBRATE!!!" the Pope yells.


Soooooo......where is the funny bit?


Don't you know the difference  between CELIBATE and Celebrate?  Apparently not. So now EVERYONE is laughing at you, aussie,  Roll Eyes


Oh......I misread it.  Laugh away.
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Re: jokes
Reply #203 - Feb 9th, 2016 at 10:03am
 
A Lawyer dies and finds himself in hell (big surprise). The devil informs him that he will spend eternity in one of three rooms, each of which he may preview and then choose his favorite.

Satan opens a door and the dead lawyer sees a vast plain of concrete covered in glass shards, with untold millions of souls moaning in agony as they stand on thier heads. With a gulp he asks to see the next choice.

The second door opens to reveal another vast horizon of torn-up wood filled with nails and screws, and millions of souls condemned to stand on thier heads, so he asks to see the third room.

Much to his surprise, the room is filled with millions of people standing waist deep in poo, but smoking cigarettes and drinking beer. "This is not too bad," says the man, "even standing in poo I could put up with an eternity smoking cigarettes and drinking beer." So he nonchalantly enters and takes his place among the damned.

Suddenly, halfway through his first smoke, Satan enters and yells: "Alright, you maggots!  Smoko's over--back on your heads!"
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Re: jokes
Reply #204 - Feb 9th, 2016 at 2:57pm
 
An 80-year-old couple is having trouble remembering things, so they go to see their doctor to make sure there's nothing wrong.

After an exam, the doctor says, "You're physically okay, but you guys might want to start writing notes to help you remember things."


That night they're watching TV when the old man gets up from his chair.

His wife says, "Where are you going?"

He says, "To the kitchen."

She says, "Will you get me some vanilla ice cream?"

He says, "All right."

She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?"

He says, "I don't have to write it down...vanilla ice cream." Pointing to his head......"Got it!"

She says, "Could I have strawberries and whip cream?"

He says, "All right."

She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?"

He says, "I don't have to write it down...vanilla ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."

Pointing to his head......"Got it!"

Twenty minutes later he walks in and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.


And with that she screams, "Told you to write it down!"

"You forgot my ⓕⓤⓒⓚⓘⓝ toast."



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When government fears the People there is Freedom & Liberty!"

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Re: jokes
Reply #205 - Feb 9th, 2016 at 3:40pm
 
A story about mateship. Sheila didn't come home one night. When Bruce asked her where she'd been she said she spent the night at a girl friend's house. Bruce was a bit suspicious she'd been rooting around so rang her ten closest friends, but none of them had seen her.

Next week Bruce didn't come home one night. Sheila asks him where the hell he'd been. Bruce says he got a bit drunk at a mate's place and thought it was safer not to drive and crash out there. Sheila thinks he's been rooting around so rings his ten best mates. Eight of them say he spent the night there and two claim he's still there.

Wink
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Reply #206 - Feb 9th, 2016 at 3:41pm
 
Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
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Re: jokes
Reply #207 - Feb 9th, 2016 at 3:43pm
 
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says,
"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk.
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Re: jokes
Reply #208 - Feb 9th, 2016 at 5:15pm
 
What's an innuendo?
..


    ▼▼▼▼▼▼▼▼▼▼▼▼▼▼▼▼▼▼▼

                ▼▼▼▼▼▼▼▼▼▼
   
                          ▼▼▼

                             ▼


..








..




..

An Italian suppository.



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« Last Edit: Feb 9th, 2016 at 5:43pm by Panther »  

"When the People fear government there is Tyranny;
When government fears the People there is Freedom & Liberty!"

'
Live FREE or DIE!
'
 
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Reply #209 - Feb 9th, 2016 at 5:40pm
 


A guy's in line at the supermarket when a blonde at the back of the line starts waving to him.

He doesn't recognize her, so he walks over and says, "I'm sorry, do I know you?"

She says, "I think you might be the father of one of my children."

He says, "Yow...are you the stripper from my bachelor party, who I banged on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"

She says, "No, I think I'm your son's English teacher."



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Re: jokes
Reply #210 - Feb 9th, 2016 at 7:04pm
 
Why did the hippy drown?
.
.
.
.
.
He was too far out!
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Re: jokes
Reply #211 - Feb 9th, 2016 at 7:05pm
 
Panther wrote on Feb 9th, 2016 at 5:15pm:
What's an innuendo?
..


    ▼▼▼▼▼▼▼▼▼▼▼▼▼▼▼▼▼▼▼

                ▼▼▼▼▼▼▼▼▼▼
   
                          ▼▼▼

                             ▼


..








..




..

An Italian suppository.





I thought it was an Italian curse... stick that innuendo.... you big butch bustard...
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“Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passion, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.”
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Re: jokes
Reply #212 - Feb 9th, 2016 at 7:22pm
 
...
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Life's Journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting,
"Holy Sh!t ... What a Ride!"
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #213 - Feb 15th, 2016 at 8:30pm
 
The Movie Test (Don’t cheat now)
This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be"Raiders of the Lost Ark". I was surprised how this worked.
Be honest and don't look at the movie list 'til you’ve done the maths!
Try this test and find out which movie is your favourite.
This amazing maths quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most.
Don't ask me how, but it really works!

Movie Test:
Pick a number from 1-9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply by 3 again.
Now add the two digits together to find your
predicted favourite movie in the list of 18 movies below.

Movie List:
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex with goats and oiled up, leather clad, cock craving gay boys
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story
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Re: jokes
Reply #214 - Feb 15th, 2016 at 8:35pm
 
Well, I tried two numbers and the result was the same.
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Re: jokes
Reply #215 - Feb 15th, 2016 at 8:50pm
 
None of those movies are amongst my favs.
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Re: jokes
Reply #216 - Feb 16th, 2016 at 11:41am
 
What's the white stuff you find in the bottom of girls' undies?

..




..





..



..

..
                                                                                       
..
  Clitty litter.
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Re: jokes
Reply #217 - Feb 16th, 2016 at 11:48am
 


A duck walks into 7-11.

He says, "Have you got any grapes?"

The guy says, "No."

The duck leaves. The next day the duck walks into 7-11.

He says, "Have you got any grapes?"

The guy says, "No, we haven't got any grapes."

The duck leaves. The next day the duck walks into 7-11.

He says, "Have you got any grapes?"

The guy says, "Listen, Daffy, this is the third day in a row I'm telling you we haven't got any grapes.
You walk in here and ask for grapes one more time, I'm gonna nail your stupid webbed feet to the floor."

The duck leaves. The next day the duck walks into the 7-11.

He says, "Do you have any nails?"

The guy says, "No."

The duck says, "Good ............. got any grapes?"

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« Last Edit: Feb 16th, 2016 at 12:07pm by Panther »  

"When the People fear government there is Tyranny;
When government fears the People there is Freedom & Liberty!"

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Re: jokes
Reply #218 - Feb 16th, 2016 at 12:06pm
 
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde stopped and asked them what they were doing.

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this
flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.
She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!

We need the height, and she gives us the bloody length.’


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Reply #219 - Feb 16th, 2016 at 12:09pm
 
...   ...
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Re: jokes
Reply #220 - Feb 16th, 2016 at 2:37pm
 
On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the
following group of people are shipwrecked:-
2 Italian men and 1
Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men
and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1
Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish
woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
..........................................
One month later on the same island in the middle of nowhere, the following things have
occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the
Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living
happily together in a ménage-à-trois.
The two German men have a
strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.
The two Bulgarian men took one long
look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman,
and started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo, and are
awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a
liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman
pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
The two
Australian men are contemplating suicide because the Australian woman
keeps complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she
can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal
division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look
fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer
than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving, and
how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
The two Irish
men have divided the island into North and South and have set up a
distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it
gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky - but
they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman.
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Re: jokes
Reply #221 - Feb 17th, 2016 at 12:08am
 
Vic wrote on Feb 15th, 2016 at 8:30pm:
The Movie Test (Don’t cheat now)
This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be"Raiders of the Lost Ark". I was surprised how this worked.
Be honest and don't look at the movie list 'til you’ve done the maths!
Try this test and find out which movie is your favourite.
This amazing maths quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most.
Don't ask me how, but it really works!

Movie Test:
Pick a number from 1-9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply by 3 again.
Now add the two digits together to find your
predicted favourite movie in the list of 18 movies below.

Movie List:
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex with goats and oiled up, leather clad, cock craving gay boys
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story



A total lie..

"9. The Joy of Anal Sex with goats and oiled up, leather clad, cock craving gay boys"

.. unlike matelots, I don't even find anything from porn.... I just randomly picked seven.. could as easily have been anything else....

In a straight choice I'd go for Shrek....  they ALL add up to nine....  no wonder the French Foreign Legion and the RAN are considered the two most deviant organisations in the world....

Christ - even US Special Forces aren't that bad.... and they can be pretty odd.....
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Re: jokes
Reply #222 - Feb 17th, 2016 at 8:15am
 
Confucius Did Not Say:

Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tyred, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
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Re: jokes
Reply #223 - Feb 18th, 2016 at 8:56pm
 


Brrinngg! ... the bell rings at the whorehouse.

A girl answers the door, and there's a guy with no arms and no legs.

She says, "What do you think you're gonna do in here?"

He says, "I rang the bell, didn't I?"   ...


Dirty Johnny's walking past his parents bedrooom.

He looks in and says, "I can't believe you sent me to the psychiatrist for suckin' on my thumb!"



What's the funniest thing in the world?


Ten blind guys trying to sit at a table set for eight.




Nelson lands in the middle of nowhere in Alaska for his new job as a lumberjack.

The boss comes over and says, "All right, we work seven days a week, we're up at six, we're asleep at ten, three meals a day.

And you see the hole in the barrel over there? You can stick your prick in there for a blow job any day but Thursday."

Nelson says, "Why not Thursday?"


He says, "Because that's your day in the barrel."


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Re: jokes
Reply #224 - Feb 18th, 2016 at 10:08pm
 
Funny https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poo,_India
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Reply #225 - Feb 19th, 2016 at 1:40am
 
GordyL wrote on Feb 18th, 2016 at 10:08pm:
Funny https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poo,_India

Roll Eyes

Give it away.
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Reply #226 - Feb 19th, 2016 at 6:21pm
 
yeeessss...
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Reply #227 - Feb 19th, 2016 at 6:22pm
 
hehehe
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Reply #228 - Feb 19th, 2016 at 6:26pm
 
No idea on each of those BigVic.
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Reply #229 - Feb 19th, 2016 at 9:14pm
 
Aussie wrote on Feb 19th, 2016 at 6:26pm:
No idea on each of those BigVic.


Rockingham was little Britain when I last lived in Perth. Skinheads and all.
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Re: jokes
Reply #230 - Feb 20th, 2016 at 12:13am
 
Give the second one Das Boot...
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Reply #231 - Feb 23rd, 2016 at 11:09am
 






°  Why does a gynecologist leave the room when a woman undresses?

...




°  If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the others drown too?

...




°  Why can't a woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

...




°  Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my name's Greg. I'm an alcoholic"?

...





°  If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?


...


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Reply #232 - Feb 23rd, 2016 at 11:31am
 
Muslims
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Reply #233 - Feb 23rd, 2016 at 11:43am
 
Dick was sitting around the house one day so Mary says, “Dick, you could do something useful, like vacuum the house once a week.”

Dick gives it a moment’s thought and says, “Sure, why not.  Show me to the vacuum.”

Half an hour later, he comes into the kitchen to get some coffee.  Mary says, “I didn't hear the vacuum working.  I thought you were using it!”


Exasperated, Dick answers, “The stupid thing is broken, it won't start.  We need to buy a new one”.

“Really,” she says, “show me.  It worked fine the last time.”

So he did Click Here

Shocked
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Reply #234 - Feb 27th, 2016 at 1:40pm
 


BREAKING NEWS: The FDA just approved a new drug for people that are easily offended or can't take a joke!

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Reply #235 - Feb 27th, 2016 at 2:24pm
 
Neferti wrote on Feb 23rd, 2016 at 11:43am:
Dick was sitting around the house one day so Mary says, “Dick, you could do something useful, like vacuum the house once a week.”

Dick gives it a moment’s thought and says, “Sure, why not.  Show me to the vacuum.”

Half an hour later, he comes into the kitchen to get some coffee.  Mary says, “I didn't hear the vacuum working.  I thought you were using it!”


Exasperated, Dick answers, “The stupid thing is broken, it won't start.  We need to buy a new one”.

“Really,” she says, “show me.  It worked fine the last time.”

So he did Click Here

Shocked



that was actually pretty funny  Grin Grin
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Reply #236 - Feb 27th, 2016 at 2:31pm
 
John Smith wrote on Feb 27th, 2016 at 2:24pm:
Neferti wrote on Feb 23rd, 2016 at 11:43am:
Dick was sitting around the house one day so Mary says, “Dick, you could do something useful, like vacuum the house once a week.”

Dick gives it a moment’s thought and says, “Sure, why not.  Show me to the vacuum.”

Half an hour later, he comes into the kitchen to get some coffee.  Mary says, “I didn't hear the vacuum working.  I thought you were using it!”


Exasperated, Dick answers, “The stupid thing is broken, it won't start.  We need to buy a new one”.

“Really,” she says, “show me.  It worked fine the last time.”

So he did Click Here

Shocked



that was actually pretty funny  Grin Grin


Yes, Dick obviously thinks you start a vacuum cleaner the same way you start a lawnmower.  Grin Grin
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Reply #237 - Mar 3rd, 2016 at 6:06pm
 


What did God say when Eve jumped in the lake?


Angry Great! Now the fish are all going to smell like that. Angry
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Reply #238 - Mar 3rd, 2016 at 8:04pm
 
A judge was interviewing a North Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?”

"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream  running by.”

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?”

"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents.”

The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?”

"No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car.”

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it.”

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee.”

The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?”

"Oh, heck no, he's as white as you and me!”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in heck do you want a divorce?”

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The fool says he can't communicate with me."

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Re: jokes
Reply #239 - Mar 7th, 2016 at 5:43pm
 
THE BEVERLY HILLS BOBBITS


Come listen to a story 'bout a man named John,
A poor ex-marine with his little wanker gone.
It seems one night after gettin' with the wife,
She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.


Penis, that is.

Clean cut.

Missed his nuts.



Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side,
And Lorena's in the car takin' Willie for a ride.
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend,
Tossed him out the window as she went around a bend.


Curve, that is.

Tossed the nub.

In the shrub.


She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
They called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there"
To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.



Found, that is.

By a fence.

Evidence.


Now peter and John couldn't stay apart for long,
So a dick doc said, "Hey, I can fix that dong!"
"A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need"
And the whole world waited till they heard that Johnny pee'd.

Whizzed, that is.

Straight stream.

Even seam.


Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court,
With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short.
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape.


Video, that is.

Unexposed.

Case Closed.



Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now ,
Ya hear?????



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Reply #240 - Mar 7th, 2016 at 7:06pm
 
When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School. One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered spine are doctors today, the rest of us are reading jokes on the web.
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Reply #241 - Mar 8th, 2016 at 6:43am
 

The owner of a chemist walks in to find a guy pushing his back against a wall.

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

Clerk, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

Owner, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

Clerk, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's too smacking scared to cough!"
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Reply #242 - Mar 9th, 2016 at 12:38pm
 
I asked my new girlfriend for a hand job. "Ive never done that" she says, "what do I do ?" "Well" I replied, "remember when you were a kid and you'd shake a coke bottle and spray your brother with it ... that's what you do." She nods, so I pull me manhood out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A minute later, I`m in tears, running down my face, snot flowing from me nose and wax flying from me ears. She asks 'Whats wrong ?' I said "TAKE YOUR EFFING THUMB OFF THE END!"

I nervously inserted a finger: it felt warm and wet.
"I'm gonna need more than that," she said.
Taking a breath, I then put in 3 fingers.
"Go on, get your whole hand in," she demanded.
I wanted to please her, so I did what she said: I was really sweating now.
"It's no good, you'll have to put both hands in".
I closed my eyes & thrust forward with my other hand & she let out a scream. "There you go, it's not that EFFING hard doing the washing up.!!!

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

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Reply #243 - Mar 9th, 2016 at 3:09pm
 
Vic wrote on Mar 9th, 2016 at 12:38pm:
I asked my new girlfriend for a hand job. "Ive never done that" she says, "what do I do ?" "Well" I replied, "remember when you were a kid and you'd shake a coke bottle and spray your brother with it ... that's what you do." She nods, so I pull me manhood out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A minute later, I`m in tears, running down my face, snot flowing from me nose and wax flying from me ears. She asks 'Whats wrong ?' I said "TAKE YOUR EFFING THUMB OFF THE END!"

I nervously inserted a finger: it felt warm and wet.
"I'm gonna need more than that," she said.
Taking a breath, I then put in 3 fingers.
"Go on, get your whole hand in," she demanded.
I wanted to please her, so I did what she said: I was really sweating now.
"It's no good, you'll have to put both hands in".
I closed my eyes & thrust forward with my other hand & she let out a scream. "There you go, it's not that EFFING hard doing the washing up.!!!

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”


LOL  Grin
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Reply #244 - Mar 9th, 2016 at 9:46pm
 


How ugly was she?

She was known as a "two-bagger."

That's a girl who's so ugly, not only do you have to put a bag over her head, you
have to put a bag over your own head in case her bag rips.  Cheesy Cheesy Cheesy
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Reply #245 - Mar 12th, 2016 at 8:17am
 
Jerry and the Pacemaker
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Reply #246 - Mar 12th, 2016 at 8:23am
 
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.

"Nationality?"  asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?

"No, just here for a few days."
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1. There has never been a more serious assault on our standard of living than Anthropogenic Global Warming..Ajax
2. "One hour of freedom is worth more than 40 years of slavery &  prison" Regas Feraeos
 
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Reply #247 - Mar 12th, 2016 at 7:23pm
 
In a run-down part of East London recently, a fire destroyed a dilapidated four storey house that had been divided into four flats.

A Nigerian family of six internet con artists and full time benefit cheats lived on the first floor, and all six tragically perished in the fire.

A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they too, all perished in the fire.

Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and
living off the state for free occupied the 3rd floor and they too, died.

And one middle aged British white couple lived on the top floor.
They miraculously survived the fire.

The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Human Rights activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation. Why were just the British white couple saved? It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service - questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was national and indeed international news.

The Mayor of London , when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment would be available within the next 36 hours - so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.

The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!

A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area and demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.

On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.

The chief fire officer quietly replied:-





"They were at work."
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Re: jokes
Reply #248 - Mar 12th, 2016 at 7:42pm
 
Why weren't  the Africans and Middle Easterners in gaol?
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Reply #249 - Mar 12th, 2016 at 9:41pm
 
An apartment of 3 floors lives 3 families, A White family, a Black family and a Racist family. At 2pm on a normal working day, a fire breaks out and burns the building to the ground, which family dies? The Racist family, Because with the others at 2pm the parents are out at work and the kids are at school.
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Reply #250 - Mar 12th, 2016 at 10:06pm
 
You'll get the hang of it eventually mothra.
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Reply #251 - Mar 12th, 2016 at 10:08pm
 
freediver wrote on Mar 12th, 2016 at 10:06pm:
You'll get the hang of it eventually mothra.




What? Of being a racist? 'Fraid not.
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Reply #252 - Mar 12th, 2016 at 10:24pm
 
freediver wrote on Mar 12th, 2016 at 10:06pm:
You'll get the hang of it eventually mothra.


I have my doubts
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Reply #253 - Mar 12th, 2016 at 10:35pm
 
What language do Maori Jews speak?
.
.
.
.
.He brew
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Reply #254 - Mar 12th, 2016 at 10:50pm
 
How many racists does it take to change a light bulb?

None, racists hate being enlightened
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Reply #255 - Mar 12th, 2016 at 11:23pm
 
Never mind Mothra, keep trying.
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Reply #256 - Mar 12th, 2016 at 11:27pm
 
You prefer racist jokes Ian?

How surprising.
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Reply #257 - Mar 13th, 2016 at 7:38am
 
Maybe Mothra is onto something here.

What did the racist say to the barman?

I'm stupid.
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Reply #258 - Mar 13th, 2016 at 3:56pm
 
mothra wrote on Mar 12th, 2016 at 10:50pm:
How many racists does it take to change a light bulb?

None, racists hate being enlightened


LOL... love it  Cheesy
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Reply #259 - Mar 17th, 2016 at 11:04am
 
You ain't seen more on until you watch this!

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Reply #260 - Mar 17th, 2016 at 12:42pm
 


Why do dingoes drive Massey Fergusons?



They have had a gutful of Chamberlain's.



Dingo jokes always funny  Smiley
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Reply #261 - Mar 17th, 2016 at 1:12pm
 
Aussie wrote on Mar 17th, 2016 at 11:04am:
You ain't seen more on until you watch this!





hilarious...anyone notice they were all Males..



not that theres anything unusual about that
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Reply #262 - Mar 17th, 2016 at 5:45pm
 
Why don't heterosexual blokes go to the Mardi Gras?
Couldn't be a.r.s.e.d.
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Reply #263 - Mar 18th, 2016 at 12:20pm
 
*Warning ~ the Silver Bodgie does use the 'f' bomb*


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Reply #264 - Mar 18th, 2016 at 10:24pm
 
How embarrassing.
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Reply #265 - Mar 21st, 2016 at 6:54pm
 
Why did the hippy drown?
.
.
.
.
.
.
He was too far out!
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Reply #266 - Mar 22nd, 2016 at 7:53am
 
Mr Hammer wrote on Mar 18th, 2016 at 10:24pm:
How embarrassing.



the SIlver Bodgie with his besty ALAN BOND>.

Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin
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Reply #267 - Mar 23rd, 2016 at 7:13pm
 
DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
_______________________________________
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied, 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
_______________________________________
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
_______________________________________
A doctor, examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really Good with the kids.'
_______________________________________
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
_______________________________________
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2 There are no dental records.
_______________________________________
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
_______________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
_______________________________________
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
_______________________________________
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
_______________________________________
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was tremendous bolt of lightning and a massive clap of thunder, followed by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
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Re: jokes
Reply #268 - Mar 23rd, 2016 at 7:19pm
 
Yeas!
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Re: jokes
Reply #269 - Mar 30th, 2016 at 5:30pm
 
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest
of me life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the
prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I
had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he
fell asleep".

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Re: jokes
Reply #270 - Mar 30th, 2016 at 5:33pm
 
Nyuk nyuk!
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Re: jokes
Reply #271 - Apr 5th, 2016 at 6:12pm
 
Smiley
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On the Ning Nang Nong
Where the Cows go Bong!
and the monkeys all say BOO!
WWW  
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Reply #272 - Apr 6th, 2016 at 10:16pm
 
The Libtards have released some policy with substance and vision .... Nah just kidding
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Re: jokes
Reply #273 - Apr 6th, 2016 at 11:06pm
 
STORY OF 2 BEGGARS


This is how you can get rich ...


Hasam and Habib are street beggars. They beg in different areas of London.


Habib begs just as long as Hasam, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.


Hasam brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.


Habib says to Hasam, 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'


Hasam says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?



Habib's sign reads: 'I have no work, but a wife and 6 kids to support'.


Hasam says 'No wonder you only get £2- £3.'


Habib says, 'So what does your sign say'?


Hasam shows Habib his sign.

It reads: 'I only need another £10 to move back to Syria.'



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Re: jokes
Reply #274 - Apr 8th, 2016 at 8:08am
 
1. Two blondes walk into a building ... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it!

2. Phone answering machine message - 'If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key!'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I couldn't find any.

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

7. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. A man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

11. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

12. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?' 'Don't you start.'

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my Mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it must be Colin.

17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

20. A man walked into the doctor's and said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places.'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more.'

21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
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Re: jokes
Reply #275 - Apr 10th, 2016 at 9:31pm
 
New Alphabet :

A's for arthritis; B's the bad back, C's the chest pains, perhaps car-di-ac?

D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight, can't read that top line! F is for farting and fluid retention, G is for gut droop, which I'd rather not mention.

H high blood pressure--I'd rather it low; I for incisions with scars you can show. J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend, K is for knees that crack when they bend. L 's for libido, what happened to sex? M is for memory, I forget what comes next. N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new! Qis for queasy, is it fatal or flu? R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears, T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears! U is for urinary; troubles with flow; V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know..

W for worry, now what's going 'round? X is for X ray, and what might be found. Y for another year I'm left here behind, Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind!
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Re: jokes
Reply #276 - Apr 13th, 2016 at 10:00am
 
A young man moved into a new flat of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the flat next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
"Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him,
"What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural.
I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered....
"Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me
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Re: jokes
Reply #277 - Apr 13th, 2016 at 10:00am
 
@@
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Re: jokes
Reply #278 - Apr 14th, 2016 at 3:23pm
 


A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol ...
Dead .

The second worm in cigarette smoke ...
Dead .

Third worm in chocolate syrup ... Dead .

Fourth worm in good clean soil ...
Alive...

So the Minister asked the congregation,

"What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,

you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service!




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Re: jokes
Reply #279 - Apr 16th, 2016 at 8:03am
 
Vic wrote on Apr 13th, 2016 at 10:00am:
@@


Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake. The
>> smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you
>> can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; We were the same size as
>> kids. I just don't get it."
>>
>> "Well, " said the big Croc, "What have you been eating?"
>>
>> "Politicians, same as you, " replied the small Croc.
>>
>> "Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
>>
>> "Down the other side of the swamp near the parking
>> lot by the Capitol."
>>
>> "Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"
>>
>> "Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the poo out of them and eat 'em!"
>>
>> "Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not
>> getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the poo
>> out of a politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.

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Re: jokes
Reply #280 - Apr 16th, 2016 at 3:42pm
 
A teacher called Mrs. Franny, arrived at school on her first day. She met with the school's principal, who greeted her with, "Good Morning Mrs. Fanny." Mrs Franny sighed, "It's not Fanny, it's Franny. Oh God, I hope all the students don't start calling me Mrs. Fanny." The principal saw how upset Mrs. Franny was about the mix up with her name, and was determined not to make the mistake again. He led Mrs. Franny down to her classroom, to introduce her to her class. As he did this, he kept repeating over in his head, "Don't forget to say the R! Don't forget to say the R!" Finally, they reached the classroom, and the principal introduced the new teacher to the class. "Good morning students. This is Mrs. Crunt.
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the Red White & Blue...

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Re: jokes
Reply #281 - Apr 16th, 2016 at 5:12pm
 

What's a good indication   you have a good sperm count?
..




..






..

..




..





..

She has to chew ........... before she swallows.    Cheesy Cheesy Cheesy Grin Grin Grin


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"When the People fear government there is Tyranny;
When government fears the People there is Freedom & Liberty!"

'
Live FREE or DIE!
'
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #282 - Apr 16th, 2016 at 5:17pm
 



A guy's weaving down the road when a cop pulls him over.

The cop says, "Hey, pal, did you know your wife fell out a few blocks back?"

The guy says, "Oh, Thank God. I thought I went deaf."

...
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"When the People fear government there is Tyranny;
When government fears the People there is Freedom & Liberty!"

'
Live FREE or DIE!
'
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #283 - Apr 16th, 2016 at 5:22pm
 

A guy meets a girl in a bar and they go back to her apartment.

They go into her bedroom, and from left to right, floor to ceiling, there's a whole wall full of fluffy toys.
Floor to ceiling, side to side, fluffy toys.

He fawcks her.

They get done, and he says, "How was I?"

She says, "Take anything ya want from the bottom shelf."  ...

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"When the People fear government there is Tyranny;
When government fears the People there is Freedom & Liberty!"

'
Live FREE or DIE!
'
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #284 - Apr 16th, 2016 at 5:28pm
 


Two guys go home with a disgusting woman.

The first guy goes into the bedroom with her and comes out screaming, with his dick all cut up and bleeding!!


The second guy goes in, and comes out going, "Ahhh! That was great.....one of the finest lays I ever had!"


The first guy says, "Her twat cut me to shreds.

What did you do?"


The second guy says, "I picked the scabs and slid in on pus."   ...

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"When the People fear government there is Tyranny;
When government fears the People there is Freedom & Liberty!"

'
Live FREE or DIE!
'
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #285 - Apr 17th, 2016 at 9:18am
 
Went to see a Muslim tribute band last night at a Mosque in London. They were called "Bomb Jovi.” They performed songs like "Losing My Head Over You,” "Rocket Launcher Man," "You're Six, You're Beautiful, And Your Mine." Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down!
Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD. I was interested, so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?" Well, that was when the trouble started...
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Re: jokes
Reply #286 - Apr 18th, 2016 at 7:02pm
 
Bloody hell.. Our stocks have crashed, we get 2% on any fixed deposits, our Superannuation is stuffed.. Turnbull and Morrison are running round looking up their arses for things to tax/save for the upcoming budget. Woe, woe, This recession is hitting everybody really hard.

Things couldn’t be much worse:
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford
batteries.
CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of
pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your cheque marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Toorak fired their nannies and learned their
children's names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Germans was caught sneaking into Syria
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali
pirates.
And, finally...
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called
the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told
them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a
truck.
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Re: jokes
Reply #287 - Apr 18th, 2016 at 7:03pm
 
Vic wrote on Apr 17th, 2016 at 9:18am:
Went to see a Muslim tribute band last night at a Mosque in London. They were called "Bomb Jovi.” They performed songs like "Losing My Head Over You,” "Rocket Launcher Man," "You're Six, You're Beautiful, And Your Mine." Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down!
Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD. I was interested, so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?" Well, that was when the trouble started...



Grin Grin Grin
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Re: jokes
Reply #288 - Apr 18th, 2016 at 7:34pm
 
Vic wrote on Apr 18th, 2016 at 7:02pm:
Bloody hell.. Our stocks have crashed, we get 2% on any fixed deposits, our Superannuation is stuffed.. Turnbull and Morrison are running round looking up their arses for things to tax/save for the upcoming budget. Woe, woe, This recession is hitting everybody really hard.

Things couldn’t be much worse:
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford
batteries.
CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of
pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your cheque marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Toorak fired their nannies and learned their
children's names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Germans was caught sneaking into Syria
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali
pirates.
And, finally...
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called
the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told
them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a
truck.



Nyuk nyuk!!!
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Re: jokes
Reply #289 - Apr 21st, 2016 at 4:54pm
 
SNAFU!
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Re: jokes
Reply #290 - Apr 28th, 2016 at 5:20pm
 
A young bloke with his pants hanging half off his arse, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the Centrelink
to sign some paperwork.
He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just H A T E being on the DOLE. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage
of the system, getting something for nothing and all that."
The social worker behind the counter said,
"Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2015 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say
but you will also have to, as part of your job, satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said,
"You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said,
"Yeah, well...
You started it." .....
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Re: jokes
Reply #291 - Apr 28th, 2016 at 5:46pm
 
Ahh Vic, now you're recycling  Cheesy Cheesy Cheesy

that joke is already up on post 142 Wink
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Re: jokes
Reply #292 - Apr 28th, 2016 at 8:51pm
 
John Smith wrote on Apr 28th, 2016 at 5:46pm:
Ahh Vic, now you're recycling  Cheesy Cheesy Cheesy

that joke is already up on post 142 Wink


Yep, I remember that one too. You post some good jokes Vic so don't let that small hiccup put you off.
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Re: jokes
Reply #293 - Apr 29th, 2016 at 2:47am
 

Why do Jews have big noses?
Because air is free  Cheesy
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Re: jokes
Reply #294 - Apr 29th, 2016 at 9:19am
 
The biggest and best joke of all?


LIFE

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If I let myself be bought then I am no longer free.

HYPATIA - Greek philosopher, mathematician and astronomer (370 - 415)
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #295 - Apr 29th, 2016 at 12:21pm
 
Lisa Jones wrote on Apr 29th, 2016 at 9:19am:
The biggest and best joke of all?


LIFE



um did you not see what I just posted
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Re: jokes
Reply #296 - Apr 30th, 2016 at 7:29pm
 
John Smith wrote on Apr 28th, 2016 at 5:46pm:
Ahh Vic, now you're recycling  Cheesy Cheesy Cheesy

that joke is already up on post 142 Wink



Woops Sorry!   Gave up drinking and I hate posting sober!
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Re: jokes
Reply #297 - Apr 30th, 2016 at 7:29pm
 
People From Rckingham
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Re: jokes
Reply #298 - Apr 30th, 2016 at 7:35pm
 
RSPCA
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« Last Edit: Apr 30th, 2016 at 7:42pm by Vic »  

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Re: jokes
Reply #299 - Apr 30th, 2016 at 7:41pm
 
RSCPA
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Football, Meat Pies, Kangaroos and Liberal Lies
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Re: jokes
Reply #300 - Apr 30th, 2016 at 7:47pm
 
Not your best.
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Re: jokes
Reply #301 - May 1st, 2016 at 10:00am
 
BEEP BEEP!
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Re: jokes
Reply #302 - May 2nd, 2016 at 1:14pm
 
Birth Control pills should be for men.

It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
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Quoth the Raven "Nevermore"

Raven would rather ask questions that may never be answered, then accept answers which must never be questioned.
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #303 - May 8th, 2016 at 8:37pm
 
Ivan Milat takes a backpacker for a 'bush walk' ... The backpacker says 'its starting to get a bit dark Ivan im a little scared' Ivan says 'your scared i have to walk back to the car by myself!
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Re: jokes
Reply #304 - May 8th, 2016 at 10:38pm
 
This starts off tame but hang in there.

*Warning ~ if language offends, do not watch.*


'In language it falls into many grammatical categories.'



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Re: jokes
Reply #305 - May 26th, 2016 at 4:57pm
 
Mal Turnbull was asleep in his house and awoke to see Menzies' ghost.
He asked, "Bob, how can I make this country better?"
Sir Robert said, "Love the Japanese steel producers like I did."
Mal went back to sleep, this time he woke to an image of John Howard at the end of his bed. He asked,
John, how can I make this country better?
Howard said, "Be honest with the people like I was."
Again Mal fell asleep and awoke this time to see Harold Holt and asked,
"Harold, how can I make this country better?
" Harold replied, "Go for a swim like I did!"
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Re: jokes
Reply #306 - May 26th, 2016 at 6:57pm
 
Sydney Police report finding a man's body in the Parramatta River at Parramatta..
The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to
excessive marijuana consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a "
Elect Turnbull for PM
" T-shirt. He also had a cucumber in his rectum.
The police removed the Turnbull T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
In spite of what we sometimes think... the Police do care
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Re: jokes
Reply #307 - Jun 6th, 2016 at 3:08pm
 

   An Aborigine was driving along the road when he suddenly noticed that one of his rear tyres had gone flat. With a sigh and [a curse] he pulled over, got out the car jack and wheel brace and started undoing the nuts on the wheel. Just after he started, a Subaru going along at high speed stopped in front of his car, brakes squealing. Out hops a big Maori carrying a baseball bat.  The Maori proceeds to smash the side window of the Aborigine's car. The Aborigine jumps up and starts yelling "what the f *** are you doing?" The Maori says  "Aw come on bro.   If you’re taking the wheels, at least let me have the CD Player!"
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Re: jokes
Reply #308 - Jun 18th, 2016 at 3:52pm
 
Redneck is a poet!

...
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Re: jokes
Reply #309 - Jun 18th, 2016 at 4:20pm
 
A blonde puts an ad in the paper to sell her pet python.

A guy rings up and says to her how big is it..??

She replies its huge....!!!

The guy says how many feet....???

She replies: You idiot snakes have no feet....!!!
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1. There has never been a more serious assault on our standard of living than Anthropogenic Global Warming..Ajax
2. "One hour of freedom is worth more than 40 years of slavery &  prison" Regas Feraeos
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #310 - Jun 21st, 2016 at 6:10pm
 
Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs


The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning.
As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.


As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.


One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch,

she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.
Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.
'Hello...Hello !' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello !'


For a long while, there was no answer.  Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello!  Is anyone down there?'

Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine,
"VOTE FOR TURNBULL   ".


Snow White fell to her knees and prayed, 'Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive !'


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Re: jokes
Reply #311 - Jun 29th, 2016 at 2:02pm
 


An old priest lay dying in Woden's, Canberra Hospital. He had served
the people near the nation's capital, Manuka for many years.
He motioned for the nurse to come near.
"Yes father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see Malcolm Turnbull and Bill Shorten before I
die" whispered the priest.
"I will see what I can do" said the nurse..
The nurse sent the request to parliament house and waited for a
response. Soon an answer came back; Both Malcolm Turnbull and Bill
Shorten would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they were driven to the hospital in Malcolm's new BMW, Turnbull
commented to Shorten, "I don't know why this old priest wants to see
us, but it certainly will help our images and may even help ourre-election prospects."
Shorten agreed it was probably a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest's room the priest took Turnbull's hand
in his right hand and Shorten's hand in his left hand.
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Shorten spoke "Father of all people you could have chosen, why
did you chose us to be with you at this time when your end is so near?"
The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life
and behaviour after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."
"Amen" said Turnbull. "Amen" replied Shorten.
The old priest continued, "Jesus Christ our saviour died between two
lying thieving bastards, and I wanted to do the same."
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Re: jokes
Reply #312 - Jun 29th, 2016 at 2:07pm
 
Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.
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Reply #313 - Jul 12th, 2016 at 3:07pm
 
A beautiful young woman got married to a bloke quite a bit older than herself.
It was only some time later she discovered he had been married 3 times before.

"What happened to your previous wives" she demanded to know.
"Well,  the first one died from eating poisonous mushrooms", he said.
"And what about the second one?"
" Strangely enough she ate the bad mushrooms too" he told her.

Naturally she's becoming a bit concerned by now and in a shaky voice she asks:
"And your third wife, what happened to her?"

"Oh that was different, she died from a fractured skull"
"But it was her own fault" he added "she wouldn't eat the bloody mushrooms"
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Re: jokes
Reply #314 - Jul 13th, 2016 at 6:26pm
 
A Muslim immigrant in London goes to the doctor and says "I feel terrible."

The doctor examines him and then says: "You need to pee and put your bowel movements in a bucket for a week, then throw in a dead fish and some rotten cabbage.  Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapors for three days."

The Muslim does this and goes back to the doctor 2 weeks later and says "I feel wonderful! what was wrong with me ?"

The doctor replied, "You were Homesick."
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Re: jokes
Reply #315 - Jul 19th, 2017 at 2:35pm
 
My wife and I went to the auction mart at Tralee the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR
'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.



Grin Grin
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Re: jokes
Reply #316 - Jul 19th, 2017 at 3:15pm
 
Read that one to wife just now and she laughed hard. Will remember that one. hopefully i will make a full recovery.
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Re: jokes
Reply #317 - Aug 8th, 2017 at 6:39pm
 
Grin Grin
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Re: jokes
Reply #318 - Aug 13th, 2017 at 6:05pm
 
Julia Gillard and the First Eunuch were touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car. Suddenly, a cow walked out into the road. They hit it full on and the car came to a stop. Julia said to the chauffeur in her usual charming manner,

"Get out and check. You were driving."

The chauffeur got out, checked that the animal was dead, and reported this to Julia.

"You were driving. Go and tell the farmer," said Julia.

Five hours later, the chauffeur returned totally plastered, hair ruffled, and a big grin on his face.

"My God, what happened to you?" asked Julia.

The chauffeur replied: "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whiskey, the wife gave me a slap-up meal, and the daughter made love to me."

"What on earth did you tell them?" asked Julia.

"I'm Julia Gillard's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."

A bit out of date, but it wears well. She's now an employee of the Clinton Foundation, a position purchased with taxpayers' (i.e. YOUR) money.
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Re: jokes
Reply #319 - Sep 6th, 2017 at 10:36am
 
The Health Minister attends the Opening Ceremony of a brand-new Mental Asylum. After cutting the ribbon, he asks the Head Shrink, "How do you determine which patients need to be kept inside this fine facility, and who can be released into the Community?"
"Oh, there is a simple test," replies the Doctor. "We fill a bathtub, then give the patient a thimble, a spoon, and a bucket and ask him or her to empty the tub."
"Ahh - I get it," smiles the Minister. "A normal person would choose the bucket because that's the quickest way."
"No," says the Shrink, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you prefer your bed next to the window? Or one near the door?"
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Know the enemies of a civil society by their public behaviour, by their fraudulent claim to be liberal-progressive, by their propensity to lie and, above all, by their attachment to authoritarianism.
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #320 - Sep 6th, 2017 at 10:38am
 
bogarde73 wrote on Sep 6th, 2017 at 10:36am:
The Health Minister attends the Opening Ceremony of a brand-new Mental Asylum. After cutting the ribbon, he asks the Head Shrink, "How do you determine which patients need to be kept inside this fine facility, and who can be released into the Community?"
"Oh, there is a simple test," replies the Doctor. "We fill a bathtub, then give the patient a thimble, a spoon, and a bucket and ask him or her to empty the tub."
"Ahh - I get it," smiles the Minister. "A normal person would choose the bucket because that's the quickest way."
"No," says the Shrink, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you prefer your bed next to the window? Or one near the door?"



hahaha   that could fit a few lefties on here.... Smiley Smiley
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Re: jokes
Reply #321 - Oct 13th, 2017 at 5:59pm
 
The king was getting old and did not trust his sons to rule his kingdom after his passing. He decided that he must find a husband for his daughter. This man, who would one day take the throne, had to be the bravest and fiercest warrior in all the land.

The king devised a test. His engineers immediately began work on a massive pit filled with horrors.

On the day of reckoning, hundreds of brave men travelled from all the corners of the kingdom to prove their worth. They stood crowded at the edges of the pit waiting for the event to begin.

The king stood with the princess on the far side of the pit and addressed the crowd.

"I seek the bravest and fiercest warrior to take my daughter's hand in marriage. To do so, simply cross this pit from that side to this and take her hand in yours. Additionally, I will..."

Before the king could finish, one of the warriors went straight into the pit and into a pool of black water. The crowd roared with excitement.

Starving crocodiles, imported from the Nile, immediately swarmed him. After a furious churning of blood and black water, the warrior emerged.

As he advanced, a swinging pendulum missed his face by a hair. The warrior ducked, dodged, and rolled past flying arrows, battering rams, spinning swords, and spouts of fire.

The warrior was halfway through the pit when the lions pounced on him. The warrior was quick. He blinded them with mud and lured them into attacking each other. Some he killed with his bare hands.

A few steps later, a giant swung his massive club with a thunderous shout. The crowd watched in amazement as the warrior slowly wore out the giant and broke him down by steadily pelting stones at his head. Finally, the giant fell.

The warrior slowly climbed out the far side of the pit, beaten and bloodied. He took the fair princess' hand in his.

"I am truly amazed," exclaimed the king.

"You went into my pit with no hesitation and have valiantly survived every obstacle. You are truly the rightful heir to my throne. However, you likely did not hear the rest of my proposal," said the king.

"Whoever survives the pit will not only take my daughter's hand in marriage, but may also make any request of the king that is in my power to grant. So, do you have a request, brave warrior?"

"Yes," said the warrior. "Your highness, I want you to bring me the head of the guy who pushed me in."
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“Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passion, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.”
― John Adams
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #322 - Dec 6th, 2018 at 7:51pm
 
Doctor: I'm afraid you have onomatopoeia
Man: Oh no what's that!
Doctor: It's exactly what it sounds like

Apologies to Aussie for not starting a new thread.
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I identify as Mail because all I do is SendIT!
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Re: jokes
Reply #323 - Dec 6th, 2018 at 7:59pm
 
freediver wrote on Dec 6th, 2018 at 7:51pm:
Doctor: I'm afraid you have onomatopoeia
Man: Oh no what's that!
Doctor: It's exactly what it sounds like

Apologies to Aussie for not starting a new thread.


You should have.  Title is.....'Crap that makes no sense.'

That would be a great OP.
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Re: jokes
Reply #324 - Dec 6th, 2018 at 8:12pm
 
I was in a relationship with a woman who treated me like a piece of meat so I had to break it off.
.
.
.
.
.
.

She was a vegan and she would never touch me.
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IBI
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #325 - Dec 6th, 2018 at 8:24pm
 
Gordon wrote on Dec 6th, 2018 at 8:12pm:
I was in a relationship with a woman who treated me like a piece of meat so I had to break it off.
.
.
.
.
.
.

She was a vegan and she would never touch me.


I was in a relationship with a woman who treated me like a piece of meat so I had to break it off.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Ouch!

edit: Should have told her not to assume your species and said you were a cucumber.
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Re: jokes
Reply #326 - Dec 6th, 2018 at 8:24pm
 
Grappler Truth Teller Feller wrote on Oct 13th, 2017 at 5:59pm:
The king was getting old and did not trust his sons to rule his kingdom after his passing. He decided that he must find a husband for his daughter. This man, who would one day take the throne, had to be the bravest and fiercest warrior in all the land.

The king devised a test. His engineers immediately began work on a massive pit filled with horrors.

On the day of reckoning, hundreds of brave men travelled from all the corners of the kingdom to prove their worth. They stood crowded at the edges of the pit waiting for the event to begin.

The king stood with the princess on the far side of the pit and addressed the crowd.

"I seek the bravest and fiercest warrior to take my daughter's hand in marriage. To do so, simply cross this pit from that side to this and take her hand in yours. Additionally, I will..."

Before the king could finish, one of the warriors went straight into the pit and into a pool of black water. The crowd roared with excitement.

Starving crocodiles, imported from the Nile, immediately swarmed him. After a furious churning of blood and black water, the warrior emerged.

As he advanced, a swinging pendulum missed his face by a hair. The warrior ducked, dodged, and rolled past flying arrows, battering rams, spinning swords, and spouts of fire.

The warrior was halfway through the pit when the lions pounced on him. The warrior was quick. He blinded them with mud and lured them into attacking each other. Some he killed with his bare hands.

A few steps later, a giant swung his massive club with a thunderous shout. The crowd watched in amazement as the warrior slowly wore out the giant and broke him down by steadily pelting stones at his head. Finally, the giant fell.

The warrior slowly climbed out the far side of the pit, beaten and bloodied. He took the fair princess' hand in his.

"I am truly amazed," exclaimed the king.

"You went into my pit with no hesitation and have valiantly survived every obstacle. You are truly the rightful heir to my throne. However, you likely did not hear the rest of my proposal," said the king.

"Whoever survives the pit will not only take my daughter's hand in marriage, but may also make any request of the king that is in my power to grant. So, do you have a request, brave warrior?"

"Yes," said the warrior. "Your highness, I want you to bring me the head of the guy who pushed me in."

WTF is wrong with you  Cheesy ????????????????????????????
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Re: jokes
Reply #327 - Dec 6th, 2018 at 8:26pm
 
Cu Chulainn wrote on Dec 6th, 2018 at 8:24pm:
Gordon wrote on Dec 6th, 2018 at 8:12pm:
I was in a relationship with a woman who treated me like a piece of meat so I had to break it off.
.
.
.
.
.
.

She was a vegan and she would never touch me.


I was in a relationship with a woman who treated me like a piece of meat so I had to break it off.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Ouch!


Ever had a chick on top lean back too far? Ouch!
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IBI
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #328 - Dec 6th, 2018 at 8:27pm
 
cods wrote on Sep 6th, 2017 at 10:38am:
bogarde73 wrote on Sep 6th, 2017 at 10:36am:
The Health Minister attends the Opening Ceremony of a brand-new Mental Asylum. After cutting the ribbon, he asks the Head Shrink, "How do you determine which patients need to be kept inside this fine facility, and who can be released into the Community?"
"Oh, there is a simple test," replies the Doctor. "We fill a bathtub, then give the patient a thimble, a spoon, and a bucket and ask him or her to empty the tub."
"Ahh - I get it," smiles the Minister. "A normal person would choose the bucket because that's the quickest way."
"No," says the Shrink, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you prefer your bed next to the window? Or one near the door?"



hahaha   that could fit a few lefties on here.... Smiley Smiley

Yeh, lucky I didn't have that test basically!  Cheesy Cheesy Cheesy Cheesy Cheesy Cheesy
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Re: jokes
Reply #329 - Dec 6th, 2018 at 8:27pm
 
Gordon wrote on Dec 6th, 2018 at 8:26pm:
Cu Chulainn wrote on Dec 6th, 2018 at 8:24pm:
Gordon wrote on Dec 6th, 2018 at 8:12pm:
I was in a relationship with a woman who treated me like a piece of meat so I had to break it off.
.
.
.
.
.
.

She was a vegan and she would never touch me.


I was in a relationship with a woman who treated me like a piece of meat so I had to break it off.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Ouch!


Ever had a chick on top lean back too far? Ouch!

Yeh, but why do they insist on doing it?
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......Australia has an illegitimate Government!
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #330 - Dec 6th, 2018 at 8:27pm
 
What language do Samoan Jews speak?
.
.
.
.
.
He-brew
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IBI
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #331 - Dec 6th, 2018 at 8:28pm
 
Gordon wrote on Dec 6th, 2018 at 8:26pm:
Cu Chulainn wrote on Dec 6th, 2018 at 8:24pm:
Gordon wrote on Dec 6th, 2018 at 8:12pm:
I was in a relationship with a woman who treated me like a piece of meat so I had to break it off.
.
.
.
.
.
.

She was a vegan and she would never touch me.


I was in a relationship with a woman who treated me like a piece of meat so I had to break it off.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Ouch!


Ever had a chick on top lean back too far? Ouch!


Knee her in the spine! Grin
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Re: jokes
Reply #332 - Dec 6th, 2018 at 8:29pm
 
Gordon wrote on Dec 6th, 2018 at 8:27pm:
What language do Samoan Jews speak?
.
.
.
.
.
He-brew

Grin Grin
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Re: jokes
Reply #333 - Dec 6th, 2018 at 8:36pm
 
What do you call an Italian after he's had a phalangectomy?
.
.
.
.
.
Roberto
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Re: jokes
Reply #334 - Dec 6th, 2018 at 8:51pm
 
Gordon wrote on Dec 6th, 2018 at 8:12pm:
I was in a relationship with a woman who treated me like a piece of meat so I had to break it off.


You broke 'it' off? Did you go oral after that self-surgery?

I perceive there is not much meat on Gordon. Mostly lard.
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Please don't thank me. Effusive fawning and obeisance of disciples, mendicants, and foot-kissers embarrass me.
 
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Cu Chulainn
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Re: jokes
Reply #335 - Dec 6th, 2018 at 8:53pm
 
Gordon wrote on Dec 6th, 2018 at 8:27pm:
What language do Samoan Jews speak?
.
.
.
.
.
He-brew


Very funny! Was that originally a Kiwi joke?
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Cu Chulainn
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Re: jokes
Reply #336 - Dec 6th, 2018 at 8:54pm
 
Laugh till you cry wrote on Dec 6th, 2018 at 8:51pm:
Gordon wrote on Dec 6th, 2018 at 8:12pm:
I was in a relationship with a woman who treated me like a piece of meat so I had to break it off.


You broke 'it' off? Did you go oral after that self-surgery?

I perceive there is not much meat on Gordon. Mostly lard.


I here the girls like a nice fat one.
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Gordon
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Gordon
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Re: jokes
Reply #337 - Dec 6th, 2018 at 8:55pm
 
Cu Chulainn wrote on Dec 6th, 2018 at 8:53pm:
Gordon wrote on Dec 6th, 2018 at 8:27pm:
What language do Samoan Jews speak?
.
.
.
.
.
He-brew


Very funny! Was that originally a Kiwi joke?


Yeah, but Samoans have a stronger accent  Smiley
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Gordon
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Re: jokes
Reply #338 - Dec 6th, 2018 at 8:56pm
 
Laugh till you cry wrote on Dec 6th, 2018 at 8:51pm:
Gordon wrote on Dec 6th, 2018 at 8:12pm:
I was in a relationship with a woman who treated me like a piece of meat so I had to break it off.


You broke 'it' off? Did you go oral after that self-surgery?

I perceive there is not much meat on Gordon. Mostly lard.


Please stop thinking about my body you weirdo.
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