Australian Politics Forum

bogarde73 Gold Member Offline Anti-Global & Contra Mundum Posts: 18443 Gender:	Re: jokes Reply #60 - Jul 8^th, 2015 at 2:24pm I like all those John . . .but then I would, wouldn't I
Back to top	Know the enemies of a civil society by their public behaviour, by their fraudulent claim to be liberal-progressive, by their propensity to lie and, above all, by their attachment to authoritarianism. IP Logged

John Smith Gold Member Offline Australian Politics Posts: 72209 Gender:	Re: jokes Reply #61 - Jul 8^th, 2015 at 3:06pm bogarde73 wrote on Jul 8^th, 2015 at 2:24pm: I like all those John . . .but then I would, wouldn't I of course you do they were sent to me by another die hard liberal
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Resolute Gold Member Offline Australian Politics Posts: 730	Re: jokes Reply #62 - Jul 11^th, 2015 at 9:35am Mustafa Al Sheriah "here" Ahmed El Sheriah "here" Fatima El Bindiri "here" Ali Acmah Shabeeb "here" Ali Sun Al En No answer Ali Sun Al En? Little girl at the back stands up and says "it's pronounced Alison Allen for f##ks sake"
Back to top	Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery. Winston Churchill IP Logged

Resolute Gold Member Offline Australian Politics Posts: 730	Re: jokes Reply #63 - Jul 11^th, 2015 at 10:11am Australian Greens MP Sarah Hanson-Young says we should create harmony by learning Arabic... We might as well ALL get on the band wagon. The Greens Party wants us to learn more about Muslims and accept them into our culture. This is my very first attempt Dear Sarah.................
Back to top	Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery. Winston Churchill IP Logged

cods Gold Member Offline Australian Politics Posts: 88048	Re: jokes Reply #64 - Jul 11^th, 2015 at 10:46am she will want that translated into English..
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freediver Gold Member Offline www.ozpolitic.com Posts: 47364 At my desk.	Re: jokes Reply #65 - Jul 18^th, 2015 at 1:36pm http://www.ozpolitic.com/funny/mine-camps-one-mans-struggle-find-accommodation-o...
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Resolute

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Re: jokes
Reply #66 - Jul 18^th, 2015 at 6:54pm

The Harley-Davidson Facts

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognised Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

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Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery.

Winston Churchill

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Grappler Truth Teller Feller

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Gender: male

Re: jokes
Reply #67 - Jul 25^th, 2015 at 12:46pm

From now on, I'll believe in The Prophet Muhammad ...

I decided to drive to the local Mosque for the first time, to see what it was all about. I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said:

"By the will of Allah the All Mighty, and the Prophet Muhammad, you will walk today."

I told him I was not paralyzed.

He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing. Once again, I told him there is nothing wrong with me.

After the prayers, I stepped outside - and yes - my car was gone!

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“Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passion, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.”
― John Adams

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Grappler Truth Teller Feller Gold Member Offline Australian Politics Posts: 80196 Proud pre-1850's NO Voter Gender:	Re: jokes Reply #68 - Jul 27^th, 2015 at 10:58pm A woman is on trial for beating her musician husband to death with his guitar... The judge asks:- "First offender?" She says :- "No - first a Gibson - then a Fender."
Back to top	“Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passion, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.” ― John Adams IP Logged

Sprintcyclist Gold Member Offline OzPolitic Posts: 39506 Gender:	Re: jokes Reply #69 - Aug 5^th, 2015 at 1:24pm A man was resting outside a jail, he looked up and saw a midget prisoner on top of the wall. The prisoner was trying to make an escape, the prisoner looked down at the man and sneered at him then proceeded to climb down a rope to freedom. The man watched the miget prisoner and thought "Well, that's a little condescending."
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Johnsmith

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Re: jokes
Reply #70 - Aug 19^th, 2015 at 3:30pm

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any arms either!" Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed???"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said.... "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

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When politicians offer you something for nothing, or something that sounds too good to be true, it's always worth taking a careful second look.
(Malcolm Turncoat)

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Vic

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Melbourne Victoria
Gender: male

Re: jokes
Reply #71 - Aug 24^th, 2015 at 5:52pm

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one ..

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by - product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;

He said.... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in
it.
She said.... You wear pants don't you?

He said..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit
on the sofa and fart!

He said..... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said..... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said..... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to
bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

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Football, Meat Pies, Kangaroos and Liberal Lies
Football, Meat Pies, Kangaroos and Liberal Lies

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Vic

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Melbourne Victoria
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Re: jokes
Reply #72 - Aug 31^st, 2015 at 6:31pm

I'M TOTALLY AMAZED AT HOW MUCH ONE LEARNS FROM THE INTERNET!

HOW DID I LIVE ALL THESE YEARS WITHOUT KNOWING THIS?

THE KINGDOM OF THAILAND

In the original native culture of Thailand , when males reached the age of 18 they had to participate in the following community ceremony:

They lay themselves stark naked in a large circle, feet facing inward. A beautiful young naked girl kneels over the ankles of each of the men.

She places a blob of honey and various crushed sweet fruits around his navel to attract flies and insects.

(This keeps them off his face during the ceremony)

A specially chosen nubile and very beautiful naked girl then does a sexy and sensuous dance in the centre of the circle.

As soon as all the men become fully aroused, the kneeling girls then reach over the knees, pull the erect penises downwards as much as they can and then, on a given signal from the centre dancer, release them.

The men's penises would then spring back up and go "WHAP!" against their belly buttons.

This exercise was a measurement of the strength of their masculinity . . . The man who killed the most flies was elected to the court of the King.

And that, folks, is why the capital of Thailand came to be named Bangkok .

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Football, Meat Pies, Kangaroos and Liberal Lies
Football, Meat Pies, Kangaroos and Liberal Lies

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Grappler Truth Teller Feller

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Proud pre-1850's NO Voter
Gender: male

Re: jokes
Reply #73 - Aug 31^st, 2015 at 7:32pm

Vic wrote on Aug 31^st, 2015 at 6:31pm:

I'M TOTALLY AMAZED AT HOW MUCH ONE LEARNS FROM THE INTERNET!

HOW DID I LIVE ALL THESE YEARS WITHOUT KNOWING THIS?

THE KINGDOM OF THAILAND

In the original native culture of Thailand , when males reached the age of 18 they had to participate in the following community ceremony:

They lay themselves stark naked in a large circle, feet facing inward. A beautiful young naked girl kneels over the ankles of each of the men.

She places a blob of honey and various crushed sweet fruits around his navel to attract flies and insects.

(This keeps them off his face during the ceremony)

A specially chosen nubile and very beautiful naked girl then does a sexy and sensuous dance in the centre of the circle.

As soon as all the men become fully aroused, the kneeling girls then reach over the knees, pull the erect penises downwards as much as they can and then, on a given signal from the centre dancer, release them.

The men's penises would then spring back up and go "WHAP!" against their belly buttons.

This exercise was a measurement of the strength of their masculinity . . . The man who killed the most flies was elected to the court of the King.

And that, folks, is why the capital of Thailand came to be named Bangkok .

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“Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passion, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.”
― John Adams

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Brian Ross Gold Member Offline Representative of me Posts: 39532	Re: jokes Reply #74 - Aug 31^st, 2015 at 9:22pm I offer only one word as a joke.... Easel.
Back to top	Someone said we could not judge a person's Aboriginality on their skin colour. Why isn't that applied in the matter of Pascoe? Tsk, tsk, tsk... IP Logged