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jokes (Read 50170 times)
Vic
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Re: jokes
Reply #120 - Nov 16th, 2015 at 6:34am
 
I just send em on!

1.   Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
 
2. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
 
3. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit? Yes or No
 
4. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.  Your assignment: underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 2000s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, feel free to express your feelings [e.g., anger, anxiety, inadequacy, helplessness etc.])

Should you require debriefing at conclusion of exam, there are counsellors available to assist you to adjust back into the real world.
 
6. Teaching Math In 2050
 
محمد خفض كل الأشجار الكافر في منطقة الشرق الأوسط. شرح لماذا هذا لا ينبغي أن تقدم له عدد لا حصر له من الحور العين في الجنة.

Mohamed cut down all the infidel trees in the middle east.
Explain why this should not give him an infinite number of virgins in heaven.


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Football, Meat Pies, Kangaroos and Liberal Lies
Football, Meat Pies, Kangaroos and Liberal Lies
 
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Vic
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Re: jokes
Reply #121 - Nov 25th, 2015 at 6:38am
 
t is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are over-sensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Maggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Maggy to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch each day in the Men’s Grill at the Golf Club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take ’em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the front lawn. I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Maggy. I’m not saying that showing this much patience and consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.


NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Maggy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her “Not Guilty”, accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
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Football, Meat Pies, Kangaroos and Liberal Lies
Football, Meat Pies, Kangaroos and Liberal Lies
 
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John Smith
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Re: jokes
Reply #122 - Nov 25th, 2015 at 9:07am
 
Grin Grin Grin
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Our esteemed leader:
I hope that bitch who was running their brothels for them gets raped with a cactus.
 
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bogarde73
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Re: jokes
Reply #123 - Nov 25th, 2015 at 9:56am
 
Very good. You might be interested in a British TV series called Potter, where the main character could be the guy in your story.
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Know the enemies of a civil society by their public behaviour, by their fraudulent claim to be liberal-progressive, by their propensity to lie and, above all, by their attachment to authoritarianism.
 
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John Smith
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Re: jokes
Reply #124 - Nov 25th, 2015 at 10:00am
 
bogarde73 wrote on Nov 25th, 2015 at 9:56am:
Very good. You might be interested in a British TV series called Potter, where the main character could be the guy in your story.


good series .. haven't seen it in years


first person that came to my mind when reading it was George from George and Mildred.
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« Last Edit: Nov 25th, 2015 at 4:53pm by John Smith »  

Our esteemed leader:
I hope that bitch who was running their brothels for them gets raped with a cactus.
 
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Panther
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Re: jokes
Reply #125 - Nov 25th, 2015 at 1:58pm
 



...
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"When the People fear government there is Tyranny;
When government fears the People there is Freedom & Liberty!"

'
Live FREE or DIE!
'
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #126 - Nov 25th, 2015 at 3:14pm
 
...
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Re: jokes
Reply #127 - Nov 25th, 2015 at 4:08pm
 
IDIOT SIGHTINGS:

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 note. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25 cents.

She said, 'you gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25 c, and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.


IDIOT SIGHTING:

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.  He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'



IDIOT SIGHTING :

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the local council P & W office to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'


IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.


IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'


IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'



IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our
car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.  'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it’s open!'
His reply,  'I know. I already got that side'


STAY ALERT!   
They walk among us... and vote ALP/Greens  Wink
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John Smith
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Re: jokes
Reply #128 - Nov 25th, 2015 at 4:55pm
 
Neferti wrote on Nov 25th, 2015 at 4:08pm:
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.  He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'




I didn't know Hockey was a garage door repairer before politics.  Cheesy Cheesy Cheesy
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Our esteemed leader:
I hope that bitch who was running their brothels for them gets raped with a cactus.
 
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Grappler Truth Teller Feller
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Re: jokes
Reply #129 - Nov 26th, 2015 at 10:37pm
 
John Smith wrote on Nov 25th, 2015 at 4:55pm:
Neferti wrote on Nov 25th, 2015 at 4:08pm:
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.  He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'



I didn't know Hockey was a garage door repairer before politics.  Cheesy Cheesy Cheesy


Longyathematics... it's a new science.....

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“Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passion, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.”
― John Adams
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #130 - Nov 27th, 2015 at 1:20am
 
An ATF man stopped at a ranch in rural Texas and talked to the farmer. He told him, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

"Okay, but whatever you do, don't go into that field o'vair," as he pointed to the west.

The government man exploded, "Mister, I have the authority to go wherever I want to," reaching into his rear pants pocket and displaying his badge to the farmer. "See this here badge? I have the authority given to me by the US government and this means I can go anywhere I want, on any land, no questions asked. Have I made myself clear?"

The old farmer nodded politely and went about his chores.

A few minutes later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the ATF man running for his life, being chased by his prize bull, the government man terrified.

The old farmer threw down his tools, runs to the fence and yells,

"Your badge!! Show him your badge!!"
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The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left. ~Ecc. 10:2
 
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Re: jokes
Reply #131 - Nov 27th, 2015 at 5:37pm
 
I think whoever invented predictive text is a complete aunt.
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Re: jokes
Reply #132 - Nov 28th, 2015 at 6:19pm
 
...
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Vic
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Re: jokes
Reply #133 - Nov 29th, 2015 at 8:05am
 
50 Shades of Grey - BY PAM AYRES
(a husband's point of view)

The missus bought a Paperback,
Down Shepton Mallet way.
I had a look inside her bag..
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it
and at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared,
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left hand she held a rope,
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago,
I might have had a peek.
But Mabel hasn't weathered well,
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse.
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet
A couple minutes later.
She put her teeth back in and said…
“I am the dominator!!”
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered.
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered...
She stood there nude and naked,
Bent forward just a bit.
I went to hold her, sensual like,
And stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out.
My God what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out…
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can tell no more
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.
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Football, Meat Pies, Kangaroos and Liberal Lies
Football, Meat Pies, Kangaroos and Liberal Lies
 
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Vic
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Re: jokes
Reply #134 - Dec 1st, 2015 at 5:21pm
 
A man went to Macquarie Street in Sydney having seen an ad for a
> Gynecologist's Assistant.
> Naturally interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
>
> The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the
> ladies ready for the gynecologist.
> "You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and
> carefully wash their private
> regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair,
> then rub in soothing oils
> so they're ready for the gynecologists examination."
> "The annual salary is $95,000, and if you're interested you'll have to
> go to Brisbane "
>
> " My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man.
> She answered: "No Sir, that's where the end of the queue is."
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Football, Meat Pies, Kangaroos and Liberal Lies
Football, Meat Pies, Kangaroos and Liberal Lies
 
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