Forum

 
  Back to OzPolitic.com   Welcome, Guest. Please Login or Register
  Forum Home Album HelpSearch Recent Rules LoginRegister  
 

Pages: 1 
Send Topic Print
Joke of the Day (Read 7986 times)
Neferti
Gold Member
*****
Offline



Posts: 7965
Canberra
Gender: female
Joke of the Day
Nov 5th, 2014 at 3:04pm
 
The Blue Pigeon

The mayor of London was very worried about a plague of pigeons in the City Centre He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of London was full of pigeon poop, the people of London could not walk on the pavements, or drive on the roads.

It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and pavements clean.

One day a man came to the Town Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition.


'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions.


Or, you can pay me one million pounds to ask one question.'


The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.


The next day the man climbed to the top of the Nelson's Column, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue London sky.


All the pigeons in London saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the bird. The London pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew eastwards out of the city.


The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man on top of Nelson's Column


The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid London of the plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million pounds and told the man that indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question.


The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question.


The mayor asked:

'Do you have a blue Paki ??
Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
Neferti
Gold Member
*****
Offline



Posts: 7965
Canberra
Gender: female
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #1 - Nov 5th, 2014 at 3:06pm
 
Condom Use on an Aircraft

A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight.

They start eyeing each other, and both realize they want to do the same thing.

He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.

Rear toilet? He suggests.

Five minutes, she agrees and goes off. 

He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her. “Right, get that condom on” she says. 

Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.

But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realized what they are up to. 

So, she humiliates them by making an announcement over the PA system. 

"To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations.

Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."





And what were you thinking?

I worry about you sometimes!



Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
Aussie
Gold Member
*****
Offline


OzPolitic

Posts: 37678
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #2 - Nov 5th, 2014 at 3:31pm
 
Bloody hell!

Link.
Link.
Link.
Link.

Just to mention a few!
Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
Aussie
Gold Member
*****
Offline


OzPolitic

Posts: 37678
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #3 - Nov 5th, 2014 at 3:34pm
 
I also don't 'get' the blue Paki one.  Can you explain it?

Back to top
« Last Edit: Nov 5th, 2014 at 5:22pm by Aussie »  
 
IP Logged
 
Phemanderac
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 3507
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #4 - Nov 5th, 2014 at 3:51pm
 
A quite elderly man enters the sperm bank.

Nurse behind the desk, surprised asks the man why he is there.

"To make a deposit of course..." the old bloke replied.

The nurse gives the man a jar and leads him to a cubicle. She explains to him that he can leave his "deposit" in the jar and to call her when he is done.

Fifteen minutes goes by, the nurse considers checking in, but thinks better of it.

Half an hour goes by and the nurse begins to consider if the old bloke is ok still.

After five more minutes her concern for the old bloke possibly having a heart attack outweighs all other issues.

She goes to his cubicle and calls out that she is checking in on him. As she looks in, he is seated on the bed looking very worried.

He sees her and says, "I just don't get it...."

"I have tried with my right hand...."



"I have tried with my left hand...."


"Hell, I even had a go with both hands for a good few minutes and I still can't get the damned lid of this jar...."
Back to top
 

On the 26th of January you are all invited to celebrate little white penal day...

"They're not rules as such, more like guidelines" Pirates of the Caribbean..
 
IP Logged
 
Aussie
Gold Member
*****
Offline


OzPolitic

Posts: 37678
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #5 - Nov 5th, 2014 at 5:23pm
 
Aussie wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 3:34pm:
I also don't 'get' the blue Paki one.  Can you explain it?



Neferti?
Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
Redmond Neck
Gold Member
*****
Offline


OzPolitic

Posts: 20609
ACT
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #6 - Nov 5th, 2014 at 5:26pm
 
Aussie wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 5:23pm:
Aussie wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 3:34pm:
I also don't 'get' the blue Paki one.  Can you explain it?



Neferti?


Hint Aussie.....Pakis are the guys that come from Pakistan and there are large numbers in London.

I am suprised a legal eagle like yourself couldnt figure that one out!
Back to top
 

BAN ALL THESE ABO SITES RECOGNITIONS.

ALL AUSTRALIA IS FOR ALL AUSTRALIANS!
 
IP Logged
 
Aussie
Gold Member
*****
Offline


OzPolitic

Posts: 37678
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #7 - Nov 5th, 2014 at 5:27pm
 
Redmond Neck wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 5:26pm:
Aussie wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 5:23pm:
Aussie wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 3:34pm:
I also don't 'get' the blue Paki one.  Can you explain it?



Neferti?


Hint Aussie.....Pakis are the guys that come from Pakistan and there are large numbers in London.

I am suprised a legal eagle like yourself couldnt figure that one out!


Oh.....and they sh1t in streets and on statues?  Is that the funny bit?
Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
Neferti
Gold Member
*****
Offline



Posts: 7965
Canberra
Gender: female
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #8 - Nov 5th, 2014 at 5:35pm
 
.
Back to top
« Last Edit: Nov 6th, 2014 at 8:34am by Neferti »  
 
IP Logged
 
Redmond Neck
Gold Member
*****
Offline


OzPolitic

Posts: 20609
ACT
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #9 - Nov 5th, 2014 at 5:37pm
 
Neferti wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 5:35pm:
If I changed the BRITISH joke to Indians rather than Pakis, would you get it then? Wink


Would that include Cowboys?
Back to top
 

BAN ALL THESE ABO SITES RECOGNITIONS.

ALL AUSTRALIA IS FOR ALL AUSTRALIANS!
 
IP Logged
 
Neferti
Gold Member
*****
Offline



Posts: 7965
Canberra
Gender: female
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #10 - Nov 5th, 2014 at 5:38pm
 
.
Back to top
« Last Edit: Nov 6th, 2014 at 8:35am by Neferti »  
 
IP Logged
 
Aussie
Gold Member
*****
Offline


OzPolitic

Posts: 37678
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #11 - Nov 5th, 2014 at 5:41pm
 
Neferti wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 5:35pm:
If I changed the BRITISH joke to Indians rather than Pakis, would you get it then? Wink 

It is fairly subtle ... you with your so-called inquiring mind might miss the whole point though ...... and argue incessantly for months to come.

Still ..... it WAS a very clever joke.



Oh......hahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaa!  It is the Indians who sh!t in streets and on statues in London!  So.....if the bloke got the Mayor a blue Indian, all the Indians would leave London.  Gee, that is so funny and ever so clevah........really.  I expect nothing but non racist excellence from you Neferti, and you never fail to let me down, not even once.
Back to top
« Last Edit: Nov 5th, 2014 at 5:54pm by Aussie »  
 
IP Logged
 
Neferti
Gold Member
*****
Offline



Posts: 7965
Canberra
Gender: female
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #12 - Nov 5th, 2014 at 5:53pm
 
.
Back to top
« Last Edit: Nov 6th, 2014 at 8:35am by Neferti »  
 
IP Logged
 
Aussie
Gold Member
*****
Offline


OzPolitic

Posts: 37678
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #13 - Nov 5th, 2014 at 5:58pm
 
Neferti wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 5:53pm:
Aussie wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 5:41pm:
Neferti wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 5:35pm:
If I changed the BRITISH joke to Indians rather than Pakis, would you get it then? Wink 

It is fairly subtle ... you with your so-called inquiring mind might miss the whole point though ...... and argue incessantly for months to come.

Still ..... it WAS a very clever joke.



Oh......hahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaa!  It is the Indians who sh!t in streets and on statues in London!  So.....if the bloke got the Mayor a blue Indian, all the Indians would leave London.  Gee, that is so funny and ever so clevah........really.  I expect nothing but non racist excellence from you Neferti, and you never fail to let me down, not even once.


You REALLY DO NOT HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOUR, do you. Aussie?


The JOKE had nothing to do with what you perceive to be a "racist" comment.

It is a matter of HOW MANY INDIANS & PAKIS, etc now roam the streets of London. Most of the Poms have now accepted those people as British.  However, the next wave are the MUSLIMS .... perhaps if I had changed the "joke" to Muslim rather than Paki ... you may have been less aggravated and smacking irritating and rude to me.


Ooops.  Did I misunderstand?  Wasn't the funny bit about ridding London of all the resident Indians who are publicly sh1tting all over the place including statues by a really clevah blue Indian?

Which part is the funny part?  The core racism?  Was that the funny bit, Neferti?
Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
Sprintcyclist
Gold Member
*****
Online


OzPolitic

Posts: 39432
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #14 - Nov 5th, 2014 at 6:12pm
 


         ...

poor chooks
Back to top
 

Modern Classic Right Wing
 
IP Logged
 
Raven
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 2981
Around
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #15 - Nov 5th, 2014 at 6:31pm
 
A huge storm strikes the city and at about 4am a huge tree is uprooted and crushes Joe Swanson's car. Luckily Joe has insurance against "Acts of God" and promptly makes a claim.

Now being an insurance company they don't want to pay, and like most insurance companies they have a direct line to God.

The following is the conversation with the assessor and God.

(Phone Rings)

"Hello?"

"Yes this is an assessor with Eternal Insurance can I speak to God please?"

"Speaking"

"Hi I was wondering do you make the weather?"

"Well I'm God it's kinda what I do"

"Oh ok, so did you make the storm that crushed Joe's car a couple nights ago?"

"You'll have to be more specific, There are a lot of Joes in the world"

"Joe Swanson 1 Burden Place Milner 4am 2nd November"

"Let me see Joe Swanson" (Flipping through appointment book)

"Nope that wasn't me, I was in Africa giving AIDS to babies"
Back to top
 

Quoth the Raven "Nevermore"

Raven would rather ask questions that may never be answered, then accept answers which must never be questioned.
 
IP Logged
 
Neferti
Gold Member
*****
Offline



Posts: 7965
Canberra
Gender: female
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #16 - Nov 5th, 2014 at 6:33pm
 
.
Back to top
« Last Edit: Nov 6th, 2014 at 8:36am by Neferti »  
 
IP Logged
 
Aussie
Gold Member
*****
Offline


OzPolitic

Posts: 37678
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #17 - Nov 5th, 2014 at 6:38pm
 
Neferti wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 6:33pm:
Mixed marriages are still not really accepted. They tend to produce children who are "coloured". That causes problems.

PS The only people who call RACIST are the coloured ones. Whiteys care less about colour. Grin


Oh......ooops!  Was there really no racism (rid London of Indians who are all sh1tting in the streets and on statues) at the very essence of your really, really funny joke.....????
Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
Aussie
Gold Member
*****
Offline


OzPolitic

Posts: 37678
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #18 - Nov 5th, 2014 at 6:40pm
 
Another ripper joke of the day from Neferti:

Quote:
Mixed marriages are still not really accepted. They tend to produce children who are "coloured". That causes problems.


Bloody hilarious, Neferti.  We all enjoy a jolly good laugh.

Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
Neferti
Gold Member
*****
Offline



Posts: 7965
Canberra
Gender: female
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #19 - Nov 5th, 2014 at 6:49pm
 
.
Back to top
« Last Edit: Nov 6th, 2014 at 8:36am by Neferti »  
 
IP Logged
 
Raven
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 2981
Around
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #20 - Nov 5th, 2014 at 6:54pm
 
Neferti wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 6:49pm:
You are the one with the Indian Bride and darkie kids and grandkids, not me.

I care less about YOU and YOURS.  You are not my neighbour.  Wink


Is that intended to be an insult because if so that's very bad form.

Insult the person you are arguing with all you want but you lose respect and your arguments lose credibility when you target families of posters
Back to top
 

Quoth the Raven "Nevermore"

Raven would rather ask questions that may never be answered, then accept answers which must never be questioned.
 
IP Logged
 
Neferti
Gold Member
*****
Offline



Posts: 7965
Canberra
Gender: female
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #21 - Nov 5th, 2014 at 7:02pm
 
.
Back to top
« Last Edit: Nov 6th, 2014 at 8:36am by Neferti »  
 
IP Logged
 
MumboJumbo
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 1474
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #22 - Nov 5th, 2014 at 7:07pm
 
This thread in a nutshell:
Neferti wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 5:35pm:
Joke about indians 


Aussie wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 5:58pm:
Makes sarcastic reply


Neferti wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 5:53pm:
Lols about touchiness



Aussie wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 5:58pm:
Slings narky rejoinder


Neferti wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 5:53pm:
Insults Oz's family


Aussie wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 6:40pm:
Ventures once more into the fray


Raven wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 6:54pm:
Chimes in to stir the pot



Now now children, play nicely

...

Yours truly,

SC
Back to top
 

See Profile For Update wrote on Jan 3rd, 2015 at 2:58pm:
Why the bugger did I get stuck on a planet chalked full of imbeciles?
 
IP Logged
 
Neferti
Gold Member
*****
Offline



Posts: 7965
Canberra
Gender: female
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #23 - Nov 5th, 2014 at 7:25pm
 
.
Back to top
« Last Edit: Nov 6th, 2014 at 8:37am by Neferti »  
 
IP Logged
 
MumboJumbo
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 1474
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #24 - Nov 5th, 2014 at 7:29pm
 
Neferti wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 7:25pm:
For F@uck sake. This thread was all about the JOKE OF THE DAY and had nothing to do with Indians until our resident Indian Taxi Driver took offence because I use the word PAKI ........

NOBODY gives a f@uck what colour you are, UNTIL you ramble on about it on a Forum. Then you deserve whatever flack you get.



And you just became the Troll-bait of the day. Points to Aussie for masterful thread derailment, but N's got a point. Time to return to the topic.
Back to top
 

See Profile For Update wrote on Jan 3rd, 2015 at 2:58pm:
Why the bugger did I get stuck on a planet chalked full of imbeciles?
 
IP Logged
 
Aussie
Gold Member
*****
Offline


OzPolitic

Posts: 37678
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #25 - Nov 5th, 2014 at 7:51pm
 
Neferti wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 7:25pm:
For F@uck sake. This thread was all about the JOKE OF THE DAY and had nothing to do with Indians until our resident Indian Taxi Driver took offence because I use the word PAKI ........

NOBODY gives a f@uck what colour you are, UNTIL you ramble on about it on a Forum. Then you deserve whatever flack you get.



Sooo......where is the funny bit in your London joke?  Did the word "Paki/Indian" just slip in by accident?  Did you really mean some other race?  I clearly must have misunderstood.  So, Neferti.....yeas, let's get back to your really funny funnies.  Please tell me where the non racist funny joke is to be found?
Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
MumboJumbo
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 1474
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #26 - Nov 5th, 2014 at 7:55pm
 
Aussie wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 7:51pm:
Sooo......where is the funny bit in your London joke?  Did the word "Paki/Indian" just slip in by accident?  Did you really mean some other race?  I clearly must have misunderstood.  So, Neferti.....yeas, let's get back to your really funny funnies.  Please tell me where the non racist funny joke is to be found?


...
Back to top
 

See Profile For Update wrote on Jan 3rd, 2015 at 2:58pm:
Why the bugger did I get stuck on a planet chalked full of imbeciles?
 
IP Logged
 
Aussie
Gold Member
*****
Offline


OzPolitic

Posts: 37678
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #27 - Nov 5th, 2014 at 8:11pm
 
Aussie wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 7:51pm:
Neferti wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 7:25pm:
For F@uck sake. This thread was all about the JOKE OF THE DAY and had nothing to do with Indians until our resident Indian Taxi Driver took offence because I use the word PAKI ........

NOBODY gives a f@uck what colour you are, UNTIL you ramble on about it on a Forum. Then you deserve whatever flack you get.



Sooo......where is the funny bit in your London joke?  Did the word "Paki/Indian" just slip in by accident?  Did you really mean some other race?  I clearly must have misunderstood.  So, Neferti.....yeas, let's get back to your really funny funnies.  Please tell me where the non racist funny joke is to be found?


Soooo....here is the deal Neferti.  Apart from totally incorrect personal stuff you are posting about me......there is a Rule here:

Quote:
Racism
Discussion of racism and race related political issues is encouraged. However, politically correct language should be used when making criticism of racial policies or groups. Racism will be judged in a similar way to pornography – that is, is the criticism necessary to get a point of view across, or is it a gratuitous attack on a racial group? Note that race is treated differently from religion, which is a matter of choice and is open to the same criticism as political ideology.


I'm not prepared to just meekly accept what is prima facie a racist 'joke' ~ and in potentially worse abuse of the Rules here ~ followed up with what you think is personal information about me and my Family.   I'm quite happy for you to tell me where the funny non racist part of the joke is.............but if you don't, I'll formally report it as a complaint.
Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
MumboJumbo
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 1474
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #28 - Nov 5th, 2014 at 8:40pm
 
Aussie wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 8:11pm:
personal information about me and my Family family.

Quote:
This includes the contents of personal messages and emails, photos, names, IP addresses, phone numbers, locations etc.

Which genus does your marital status fall into?

Aussie wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 8:11pm:
I'm not prepared to just meekly accept what is prima facie a racist 'joke'

How exciting.
Aussie wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 8:11pm:
and in potentially worse abuse of the Rules here
ooh, how wicked.

Aussie wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 8:11pm:
I'll formally report it as a complaint.


... I'm sure he/she is terrified. Please don't do it, A, don't do it, Noooooooooo!
Back to top
 

See Profile For Update wrote on Jan 3rd, 2015 at 2:58pm:
Why the bugger did I get stuck on a planet chalked full of imbeciles?
 
IP Logged
 
Phemanderac
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 3507
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #29 - Nov 5th, 2014 at 8:42pm
 
Well this is all well and good, but I have to say, I am very disappointed, the bullshit has taken the focus of my sperm bank joke....

That was a cracker and has been trampled all over by a rubbish spat....

Lighten up and have a laugh ffs.

How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

One to change the bulb, seventy others to fail to notice they're in the dark and to argue about their lack of vision...
Back to top
 

On the 26th of January you are all invited to celebrate little white penal day...

"They're not rules as such, more like guidelines" Pirates of the Caribbean..
 
IP Logged
 
Aussie
Gold Member
*****
Offline


OzPolitic

Posts: 37678
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #30 - Nov 5th, 2014 at 8:44pm
 
Phemanderac wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 8:42pm:
Well this is all well and good, but I have to say, I am very disappointed, the bullshit has taken the focus of my sperm bank joke....

That was a cracker and has been trampled all over by a rubbish spat....

Lighten up and have a laugh for goodness sake.

How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

One to change the bulb, seventy others to fail to notice they're in the dark and to argue about their lack of vision...


You want me to laugh at racism?  Sorry to disappoint.
Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
MumboJumbo
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 1474
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #31 - Nov 5th, 2014 at 8:45pm
 
Phemanderac wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 8:42pm:
Well this is all well and good, but I have to say, I am very disappointed, the bullshit has taken the focus of my sperm bank joke....

That was a cracker and has been trampled all over by a rubbish spat....

Lighten up and have a laugh ffs.

How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

One to change the bulb, seventy others to fail to notice they're in the dark and to argue about their lack of vision...


Sorry phem, it was a good one - an old one, but a good one. I got a bit distracted with the children screaming over here (some more so than others).

And the forum one was very apt too.
Back to top
 

See Profile For Update wrote on Jan 3rd, 2015 at 2:58pm:
Why the bugger did I get stuck on a planet chalked full of imbeciles?
 
IP Logged
 
MumboJumbo
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 1474
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #32 - Nov 5th, 2014 at 8:46pm
 
Aussie wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 8:44pm:
You want me to laugh at racism?  Sorry to disappoint.


...
Back to top
 

See Profile For Update wrote on Jan 3rd, 2015 at 2:58pm:
Why the bugger did I get stuck on a planet chalked full of imbeciles?
 
IP Logged
 
Phemanderac
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 3507
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #33 - Nov 5th, 2014 at 8:49pm
 
Aussie wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 8:44pm:
Phemanderac wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 8:42pm:
Well this is all well and good, but I have to say, I am very disappointed, the bullshit has taken the focus of my sperm bank joke....

That was a cracker and has been trampled all over by a rubbish spat....

Lighten up and have a laugh for goodness sake.

How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

One to change the bulb, seventy others to fail to notice they're in the dark and to argue about their lack of vision...


You want me to laugh at racism?  Sorry to disappoint.



K, don't laugh then, get on and report it, and leave the "jokes" bit alone. How about that then.

I mean seriously mate, if you have a reasonable complaint then make it, don't drag it out into a lengthy argument about your complaint etc etc.

Some posters are just getting on with the jokes, so, please, have a bit of respect for them, at least part of the respect you seem to be demonstrating for those victims of said alleged racist joke. Note well, I say alleged in this instance because, to be honest, I could not be bothered making any kind of judgement. However, the point is, your complaining in the thread kind of wrecks it for others, whereas, by following the correct procedures, you know, as per the rules, which you have taken the time to highlight to all and sundry, the thread will be left intact. That is of course unless a mod agrees with the complaint (as is their entitlement) and acts on it to either remove offending post and/or locks the thread.

Howze that then?
Back to top
 

On the 26th of January you are all invited to celebrate little white penal day...

"They're not rules as such, more like guidelines" Pirates of the Caribbean..
 
IP Logged
 
Aussie
Gold Member
*****
Offline


OzPolitic

Posts: 37678
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #34 - Nov 5th, 2014 at 8:57pm
 
Phemanderac wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 8:49pm:
Aussie wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 8:44pm:
Phemanderac wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 8:42pm:
Well this is all well and good, but I have to say, I am very disappointed, the bullshit has taken the focus of my sperm bank joke....

That was a cracker and has been trampled all over by a rubbish spat....

Lighten up and have a laugh for goodness sake.

How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

One to change the bulb, seventy others to fail to notice they're in the dark and to argue about their lack of vision...


You want me to laugh at racism?  Sorry to disappoint.



K, don't laugh then, get on and report it, and leave the "jokes" bit alone. How about that then.

I mean seriously mate, if you have a reasonable complaint then make it, don't drag it out into a lengthy argument about your complaint etc etc.

Some posters are just getting on with the jokes, so, please, have a bit of respect for them, at least part of the respect you seem to be demonstrating for those victims of said alleged racist joke. Note well, I say alleged in this instance because, to be honest, I could not be bothered making any kind of judgement. However, the point is, your complaining in the thread kind of wrecks it for others, whereas, by following the correct procedures, you know, as per the rules, which you have taken the time to highlight to all and sundry, the thread will be left intact. That is of course unless a mod agrees with the complaint (as is their entitlement) and acts on it to either remove offending post and/or locks the thread.

Howze that then?


Doesn't faze me at all.  If you had looked up there ^^^^^ you would find links to many other 'Joke' Threads, so I care less about wrecking this latest one to make my point which is ~ racism is that, exactly that, and all your word puffery does not change it one bit.  Go tell that racist joke in Hounslow or Southall (London) and see how many people laugh, and whether you get out on your feet or in an Ambulance or at all, if they have been kind.....or not.
Back to top
« Last Edit: Nov 5th, 2014 at 9:13pm by Aussie »  
 
IP Logged
 
MumboJumbo
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 1474
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #35 - Nov 5th, 2014 at 9:11pm
 
Aussie wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 8:57pm:
Doesn't faze me at all.  If you had looked up there ^^^^^ you would find links to many other 'Joke' Threads, so I care less about wrecking this latest one to make my point which is ~ racism is that, exactly that, and all your word puffery does not change it one bit.  Go tell that racist joke in Hounslow or Southall (London) and see how many people laugh, and whether you get out on your feet or in an Ambulance or at all, if they have been kind.


Ok, now you've proven your masculinity, it's time to sit down, have a cup of Horlicks, put your slippers on, and calm down, or you'll give yourself an embolism.
Back to top
 

See Profile For Update wrote on Jan 3rd, 2015 at 2:58pm:
Why the bugger did I get stuck on a planet chalked full of imbeciles?
 
IP Logged
 
Aussie
Gold Member
*****
Offline


OzPolitic

Posts: 37678
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #36 - Nov 5th, 2014 at 9:18pm
 
MumboJumbo wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 9:11pm:
Aussie wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 8:57pm:
Doesn't faze me at all.  If you had looked up there ^^^^^ you would find links to many other 'Joke' Threads, so I care less about wrecking this latest one to make my point which is ~ racism is that, exactly that, and all your word puffery does not change it one bit.  Go tell that racist joke in Hounslow or Southall (London) and see how many people laugh, and whether you get out on your feet or in an Ambulance or at all, if they have been kind.


Ok, now you've proven your masculinity, it's time to sit down, have a cup of Horlicks, put your slippers on, and calm down, or you'll give yourself an embolism.


Challenging naked racism has nothing to do with masculinity.   You seem to have taken an usually and pseudo stalking interest in what I post, SpecialCharacter.  Are you a shared account........or the latest sock?
Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
Raven
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 2981
Around
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #37 - Nov 5th, 2014 at 10:15pm
 
Neferti wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 7:02pm:
Raven wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 6:54pm:
Neferti wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 6:49pm:
You are the one with the Indian Bride and darkie kids and grandkids, not me.

I care less about YOU and YOURS.  You are not my neighbour.  Wink


Is that intended to be an insult because if so that's very bad form.

Insult the person you are arguing with all you want but you lose respect and your arguments lose credibility when you target families of posters


Raven,

This is just Page 2 ... please read ALL the posts before getting your knickers in a bunch about "racism".

Many thanx.


Not commenting on racism at all, Raven is of the opinion that when it comes to jokes nothing is sacred. However if you intend to insult a person's family then  you come off idiotic
Back to top
 

Quoth the Raven "Nevermore"

Raven would rather ask questions that may never be answered, then accept answers which must never be questioned.
 
IP Logged
 
Raven
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 2981
Around
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #38 - Nov 5th, 2014 at 10:21pm
 
What do you get if you cross the Queen and Prince Phillip?



Killed in a tunnel
Back to top
 

Quoth the Raven "Nevermore"

Raven would rather ask questions that may never be answered, then accept answers which must never be questioned.
 
IP Logged
 
Raven
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 2981
Around
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #39 - Nov 5th, 2014 at 10:26pm
 
...
Back to top
 

Quoth the Raven "Nevermore"

Raven would rather ask questions that may never be answered, then accept answers which must never be questioned.
 
IP Logged
 
MumboJumbo
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 1474
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #40 - Nov 6th, 2014 at 10:28am
 
Aussie wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 9:18pm:
Challenging naked racism has nothing to do with masculinity.   You seem to have taken an usually and pseudo stalking interest in what I post, SpecialCharacter.  Are you a shared account........or the latest sock?


Haha, see - I knew you could get into the spirit! Good joke. Raven wrote on Nov 5th, 2014 at 10:21pm:
What do you get if you cross the Queen and Prince Phillip?



Killed in a tunnel


Excellent. Totally unexpected ending, well done. Here's another in the same vein...

The first thing they teach you at law school is that the law applies EQAULLY to EVERYONE
else


Back to top
 

See Profile For Update wrote on Jan 3rd, 2015 at 2:58pm:
Why the bugger did I get stuck on a planet chalked full of imbeciles?
 
IP Logged
 
Sprintcyclist
Gold Member
*****
Online


OzPolitic

Posts: 39432
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #41 - Nov 8th, 2014 at 5:59pm
 


...

hehe
Back to top
 

Modern Classic Right Wing
 
IP Logged
 
it_is_the_light
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Christ Light

Posts: 40944
The Pyramid of LIGHT
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #42 - Nov 9th, 2014 at 9:46pm
 
http://www.ozpolitic.com/forum/YaBB.pl?num=1415441520/45#57

ian wrote on Nov 8th, 2014 at 8:32pm:
selling your country to the Chinese is un Australian in my opinion.


http://www.ozpolitic.com/forum/YaBB.pl?num=1414631109/30

ian wrote on Nov 4th, 2014 at 5:55am:
still waiting for your answer. Why do you think that a person of Chinese ancestry can not be considered Australian?  I think your persona is slipping a bit mate. Unless being enlightened involves also being racist.


many blessings

yet when you sold your home to the chinese that was ok

oxymoron much ?

you are forgiven as usual

so be at peace

namaste

~ : ) =
Back to top
« Last Edit: Nov 9th, 2014 at 9:56pm by it_is_the_light »  

ॐ May Much LOVE and CHRISTS LIGHT be upon and within us all.... namasté ▲ - : )  ╰დ╮ॐ╭დ╯
it_is_the_light it_is_the_light Christ+Light Christ+Light  
IP Logged
 
Sprintcyclist
Gold Member
*****
Online


OzPolitic

Posts: 39432
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #43 - Nov 9th, 2014 at 9:59pm
 

  ...

Kim Jong-un photobombed
Back to top
 

Modern Classic Right Wing
 
IP Logged
 
MumboJumbo
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 1474
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #44 - Nov 9th, 2014 at 11:06pm
 
Wait wait, I got a really good one....

Palmer United Party

XD
Back to top
 

See Profile For Update wrote on Jan 3rd, 2015 at 2:58pm:
Why the bugger did I get stuck on a planet chalked full of imbeciles?
 
IP Logged
 
Sprintcyclist
Gold Member
*****
Online


OzPolitic

Posts: 39432
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #45 - Nov 11th, 2014 at 11:34pm
 

     ...

yes
Back to top
 

Modern Classic Right Wing
 
IP Logged
 
Sprintcyclist
Gold Member
*****
Online


OzPolitic

Posts: 39432
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #46 - Nov 12th, 2014 at 6:56pm
 


...

uhuh
Back to top
 

Modern Classic Right Wing
 
IP Logged
 
Raven
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 2981
Around
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #47 - Nov 12th, 2014 at 11:41pm
 
...
Back to top
 

Quoth the Raven "Nevermore"

Raven would rather ask questions that may never be answered, then accept answers which must never be questioned.
 
IP Logged
 
Raven
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 2981
Around
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #48 - Nov 13th, 2014 at 12:12am
 
...
Back to top
 

Quoth the Raven "Nevermore"

Raven would rather ask questions that may never be answered, then accept answers which must never be questioned.
 
IP Logged
 
Raven
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 2981
Around
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #49 - Nov 13th, 2014 at 12:16am
 
...
Back to top
 

Quoth the Raven "Nevermore"

Raven would rather ask questions that may never be answered, then accept answers which must never be questioned.
 
IP Logged
 
Sprintcyclist
Gold Member
*****
Online


OzPolitic

Posts: 39432
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #50 - Nov 13th, 2014 at 8:14pm
 


...
Back to top
 

Modern Classic Right Wing
 
IP Logged
 
Raven
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 2981
Around
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #51 - Nov 16th, 2014 at 3:50am
 
Black man vs White man jumping

Back to top
 

Quoth the Raven "Nevermore"

Raven would rather ask questions that may never be answered, then accept answers which must never be questioned.
 
IP Logged
 
cods
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 88048
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #52 - Nov 20th, 2014 at 8:18am
 

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him,
"Do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "No tanks, oi've only got a small yard."

                        Description: cid:842013B2E832478495E73423CEE99113@LiandianPC
Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"

                            Description: cid:6916812B9BEE47739CCFCB1AE1BA1614@LiandianPC
A coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going.....
the driver won Ł52!

Description: cid:119FDCD2E42343C1900A3E9AA0A2AD63@LiandianPC
Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
He phones the police and says "Bejasus I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?
Paddy says "No, oi tink it's beef"

                                                     Description: cid:95B0CD336295482DB8F1C635A117EABE@LiandianPC
Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

                            Description: cid:2F1D2F27CA8A47C481109A8AF0877211@LiandianPC
Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor.
Mick says, "Oi Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

Description: cid:038412C119264E64BE64AC6473F505D5@LiandianPC
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil...



Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"

                        
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."


Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine.
Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
MumboJumbo
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 1474
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #53 - Nov 20th, 2014 at 7:03pm
 
...
Back to top
 

See Profile For Update wrote on Jan 3rd, 2015 at 2:58pm:
Why the bugger did I get stuck on a planet chalked full of imbeciles?
 
IP Logged
 
cods
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 88048
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #54 - Nov 24th, 2014 at 8:29am
 
Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail ya fool!"


Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.   "Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"


19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."


The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.


I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.  As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.  I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!


My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were Ł70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.


I start a new job in Seoul next week.  I thought it was a good Korea move.


I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.  I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.


Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.


My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.  She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said "You're obviously not listening."


The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst.  So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.


Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.


Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.  I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby


The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.  I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."


When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.  What a pair of sexists.  I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!


Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.


Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!


A teddy bear is working on a building site.
He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.
The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman.  The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."



My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.  Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.


Just got back from my mate's funeral.  He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.


An Asian fellow has moved in next door.  He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain.  It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat
Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
cods
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 88048
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #55 - Nov 24th, 2014 at 9:18am
 


   The following are replies that Manchester women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing " father's details" or putting it another way....Who's the Daddy?

These are genuine excerpts from the forms.
Be sure to check out No 10. I think it takes 1st prize and No 2 is runner up.



1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley, I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl.
She was conceived at a party at 360 East Bolton Avenue where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted.
If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panel s. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was imaculat and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise...

7. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.

8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom

9. So much about that night is a blur, the only thing that I remember for sure is Gordon Ramsey did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56 Miller St , mine might have remained unfertilized.

10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
Sprintcyclist
Gold Member
*****
Online


OzPolitic

Posts: 39432
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #56 - Nov 24th, 2014 at 10:16am
 
cods wrote on Nov 24th, 2014 at 8:29am:
Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail ya fool!"


Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.   "Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"


19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."


The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.


I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.  As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.  I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!


My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were Ł70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.


I start a new job in Seoul next week.  I thought it was a good Korea move.


I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.  I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.


Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.


My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.  She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said "You're obviously not listening."


The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst.  So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.


Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.


Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.  I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby


The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.  I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."


When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.  What a pair of sexists.  I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!


Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.


Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!


A teddy bear is working on a building site.
He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.
The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman.  The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."



My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.  Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.


Just got back from my mate's funeral.  He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.


An Asian fellow has moved in next door.  He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain.  It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat



hahahaha, some very good ones
Back to top
 

Modern Classic Right Wing
 
IP Logged
 
cods
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 88048
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #57 - Nov 24th, 2014 at 3:10pm
 
I was hoping to attract Greenwin...he finds me humourless...I wanted to show him.. but no luck.he says he doesnt do JOKES... Wink Wink

I bet you got a smile from the dead wife one..


I did.
Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
cods
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 88048
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #58 - Nov 27th, 2014 at 1:28pm
 
WARNING WARNING..
if you are prudish go no further...its a bit rude.




QUICKIES


Low Battery
A man saved his girlfriend’s phone number on his mobile as ‘Low Battery’. Whenever she calls him, in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger. Give that man a medal.

Government Survey
A government survey has shown that 91 percent of illegal immigrants come to America so that they can see their own doctor.

I’ve just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the missus look like she’s moving during intercourse.

Two Thai girls asked me if I’d like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right.. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

Such an unfair world: When a man talks dirty to a woman it’s considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $2.50/min (charges may vary).

Valentine’s Day
Just booked a table for Valentine’s Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she’s lousy at snooker.

Got a new Jack Russell pup today. He’s mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I’ve called him England.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It’s spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly
Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
George_Orhell
Senior Member
****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 445
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #59 - Nov 27th, 2014 at 2:34pm
 
...
Back to top
 

Life's Journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting,
"Holy Sh!t ... What a Ride!"
 
IP Logged
 
red baron
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 10204
Blue Mountains
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #60 - Nov 27th, 2014 at 5:52pm
 
What does sperm and lawyers have in common?

Both have a one in fifty million chance of turning into a human being. Cheesy Cheesy
Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
MumboJumbo
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 1474
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #61 - Nov 27th, 2014 at 6:12pm
 
cods wrote on Nov 27th, 2014 at 1:28pm:
Two Thai girls asked me if I’d like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right.. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!


cods wrote on Nov 27th, 2014 at 1:28pm:
Got a new Jack Russell pup today. He’s mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I’ve called him England.


I love it!
Back to top
 

See Profile For Update wrote on Jan 3rd, 2015 at 2:58pm:
Why the bugger did I get stuck on a planet chalked full of imbeciles?
 
IP Logged
 
cods
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 88048
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #62 - Nov 27th, 2014 at 7:35pm
 
MumboJumbo wrote on Nov 27th, 2014 at 6:12pm:
cods wrote on Nov 27th, 2014 at 1:28pm:
Two Thai girls asked me if I’d like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right.. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!


cods wrote on Nov 27th, 2014 at 1:28pm:
Got a new Jack Russell pup today. He’s mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I’ve called him England.


I love it!



your broad minded I see.. Wink Wink
Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
Raven
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 2981
Around
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #63 - Nov 28th, 2014 at 1:20am
 
An oldie but....

Jesus Christ walks into a hotel

Puts three nails on the counter and asks "Can you put me up for the night?"
Back to top
 

Quoth the Raven "Nevermore"

Raven would rather ask questions that may never be answered, then accept answers which must never be questioned.
 
IP Logged
 
Neferti
Gold Member
*****
Offline



Posts: 7965
Canberra
Gender: female
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #64 - Nov 28th, 2014 at 5:39am
 
Choosing a wife


A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.


Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.



Men are like that, you know.




And on another note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimers research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Grin
Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
cods
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 88048
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #65 - Nov 28th, 2014 at 6:10am
 
Neferti wrote on Nov 28th, 2014 at 5:39am:
Choosing a wife


A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.


Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.



Men are like that, you know.




And on another note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimers research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Grin



you mean......perky isnt me?????
Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
Grappler Truth Teller Feller
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 79570
Proud pre-1850's NO Voter
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #66 - Nov 28th, 2014 at 10:17am
 
Paddy went to the stable one morning and his horse was gone.. he set off tracking the hoof prints and went at it day after day... many miles away, on the track of the hooves, an acquaintance spotted him and called out,

"Oi, Paddy - what're ye doin'?"

"Ah, Seamus - can't ye see I'm dogging a fled horse?"
Back to top
 

“Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passion, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.”
― John Adams
 
IP Logged
 
Raven
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 2981
Around
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #67 - Nov 28th, 2014 at 10:55am
 
Paddy and Seamus are walking down and old dirt track when suddenly Paddy points to the ground and say "Look wolf tracks"

Seamus looks down and replies "Don't be daft Paddy, those are cat tracks if ever I saw them"

"Wolf tracks" insists Paddy

"Cat tracks" retorts Seamus

They are still arguing 40 minutes later when both are hit by a train.
Back to top
 

Quoth the Raven "Nevermore"

Raven would rather ask questions that may never be answered, then accept answers which must never be questioned.
 
IP Logged
 
Neferti
Gold Member
*****
Offline



Posts: 7965
Canberra
Gender: female
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #68 - Nov 29th, 2014 at 4:26pm
 


This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid,
so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are
smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is
going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets
down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and
smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living
room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at
the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks
what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him
that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by
painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket
over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the
directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
Neferti
Gold Member
*****
Offline



Posts: 7965
Canberra
Gender: female
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #69 - Nov 29th, 2014 at 4:32pm
 
Blonde Guy

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

You rotten bastard, "says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!
Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
Neferti
Gold Member
*****
Offline



Posts: 7965
Canberra
Gender: female
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #70 - Dec 1st, 2014 at 6:38am
 
This is a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida:

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! GET OUT OF THE CAR!"...

The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Moral of the story?

If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable!

Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
Neferti
Gold Member
*****
Offline



Posts: 7965
Canberra
Gender: female
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #71 - Dec 1st, 2014 at 6:45am
 
The Blonde and the Truck Driver

As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car.

He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Michigan, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
cods
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 88048
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #72 - Dec 1st, 2014 at 9:15am
 
Neferti wrote on Dec 1st, 2014 at 6:38am:
This is a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida:

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! GET OUT OF THE CAR!"...

The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Moral of the story?

If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable!





nef.. this is a true story as well.. happened to a friend of mine

she is 90 god love her..but she doesnt drive her car anymore...

she went to a shopping centre in Melb and parked car right next to the doors in the disabled spot.. got her walking frame out .. and went shopping..

on her return the boot was open.. and she panicked..called for help Ive been robbed and they have stolen my number plate.....the manager came and after calming her down as much as possible  finally rang her son who drove to the shops  in great haste.. when he arrived he discovered mother was the one that left the boot open and the number plate is attached to the boot cover...she didnt know whether to laugh or cry... she handed in her licence soon after and sold the car...we still laugh when we see her..
Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
George_Orhell
Senior Member
****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 445
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #73 - Dec 1st, 2014 at 9:25am
 
I decided to have takeaway for lunch the other day, so I pulled into Mcdonalds and was greeted by a young girl wearing a burqua.
It was dirty and tattered. Kind of put me off.
So I decided to go across the road to Hungry Jacks.
There I was greeted by a young woman wearing a burqua. Hers was clean and tidy and well kept.

Thats when I realised  :

The burqua’s are better at Hungry Jacks.
Back to top
 

Life's Journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting,
"Holy Sh!t ... What a Ride!"
 
IP Logged
 
cods
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 88048
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #74 - Dec 4th, 2014 at 7:29am
 

. . .
MY NEW BOYFRIENDS!!!


I am seeing 5 gentlemen (give or take) every day!
As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed.
cid:image002.jpg@01CBD829.13511210


Then I go to see John.


cid:image003.jpg@01CBD829.13511210
cid:image004.jpg@01CBD829.13511210
Then Arthur Ritis shows up & stays the rest of the day.
He doesn't like to stay in one place very long so he takes me from joint to joint.



After such a busy day, I'm really tired & very glad to go to bed with Earl Grey.
What a life!
Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer;
or whatever his name is. I forget!



and I'm thinking of calling JACK DANIELS, Jim Beam or JOHNNY WALKER to come over and keep me company.


Now remember:
Life is like a roll of toilet paper ...... the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
So have fun, think 'good thoughts' only, learn to laugh at yourself, and 'count your blessings!!
Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
Neferti
Gold Member
*****
Offline



Posts: 7965
Canberra
Gender: female
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #75 - Dec 8th, 2014 at 7:14am
 
After digging to a depth of 10 feet last year outside Buffalo, New York, scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 100 years.  They came to  the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
 
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Los Angeles, California, archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Oceanside.  Shortly afterward, a story in the LA Times read, "California archaeologists, reporting a finding of 200 year old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, a local newspaper in St. Paul, Minnesota, reported, "After digging 30 feet in his pasture near the community of Faribault, Minnesota, Ole Olson, a heck of an engineer and a self-taught archaeologist, and his friend Sven, reported that they found absolutely nothing.  Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, "Minnesota had already
gone wireless."

Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
Neferti
Gold Member
*****
Offline



Posts: 7965
Canberra
Gender: female
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #76 - Dec 8th, 2014 at 9:24am
 
A Jew an Arab and the Bakery

A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket. He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see anything."

The Jew says to the Arab, "That's typical of you dishonest Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."

Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"

The Jew replies, "Look in the Arab's pocket"
Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
Neferti
Gold Member
*****
Offline



Posts: 7965
Canberra
Gender: female
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #77 - Dec 8th, 2014 at 9:24am
 
There was a Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two Norwegian guys and a team of two Irish guys.

So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job."

Both teams headed right out.

At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.

Forty-five minutes later, Ole and Sven, the Norwegian guys came back in and they were totally exhausted.

The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"

Ole, the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, "Sven and me, we got three in."

The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!"

"Yeah," said Ole, "but you should see how much they left stickin out of the ground!"
Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
Neferti
Gold Member
*****
Offline



Posts: 7965
Canberra
Gender: female
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #78 - Dec 10th, 2014 at 5:33pm
 
CARDIOLOGIST FUNERAL

The following would probably be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral.

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate
funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life.

A huge heart.....covered in flowers.....stood behind the casket during the
service, as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then
closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry.... I was just thinking of my own
funeral.  I'm a gynaecologist!'

The priest fainted

Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
Cofgod
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 693
Bolton, Great Britain
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #79 - Dec 11th, 2014 at 5:57am
 
Q: What's black and slides down Nelson's Column?

A: Winnie Mandela
Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
Neferti
Gold Member
*****
Offline



Posts: 7965
Canberra
Gender: female
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #80 - Dec 15th, 2014 at 6:53pm
 
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport lounge in  Bozeman , Montana , awaiting their flights. One is an American Indian, passing thru from Lame Deer. Another is  a cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show. And the third is a fundamentalist Arab student from the Middle  East, newly arrived at Montana State University .


Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the

conversation falls into an uneasy lull.


The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around and the old windsock is flapping, but still no plane comes.


Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly speaks.  “At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."


The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, “Once my  people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that  is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth, and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, “That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'".

Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
Lionel Edriess
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 1932
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #81 - Dec 15th, 2014 at 7:50pm
 

Grin Grin Grin Grin

I like that!

And I think it's sad - but true.
Back to top
 

Toughen up, Australia!
 
IP Logged
 
Phemanderac
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 3507
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #82 - Dec 16th, 2014 at 6:23pm
 
So things got awkward recently.

A seamstress moved into the neighbourhood and I must admit I was confused when my long time partner told me to go to her to get felt...
Back to top
 

On the 26th of January you are all invited to celebrate little white penal day...

"They're not rules as such, more like guidelines" Pirates of the Caribbean..
 
IP Logged
 
jackmountain
Senior Member
****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 350
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #83 - Dec 16th, 2014 at 8:48pm
 
#Illridewithyou
Back to top
 

#Illridewithinfidels

Never trust a Mussey
 
IP Logged
 
cods
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 88048
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #84 - Dec 17th, 2014 at 5:48am
 
Wife texts husband at work on a cold winter's morning;

"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back;

"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."



Wife texts back 5 minutes later;

"Computer totally f--k e d now.
Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
cods
Gold Member
*****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 88048
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #85 - Dec 20th, 2014 at 3:54pm
 





Believe it or not??????????
   
SOME OF THE 'BRIGHTER' MOMENTS FROM BBC QUIZES...
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman
What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?Contestant
Homosexuals ?.
Jeremy Paxman
No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.


                                  BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)Jamie Theakston
Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant
Geography isn't my strong point.Jamie Theakston
There's a clue in the title.
Contestant


BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White:
Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Stewart White:
I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant:
Arm
Stewart White:
Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant:
Strong.
Stewart White:
Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant:
Louis
Stewart White:
Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
Frank Sinatra?


LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski:
What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant:
France.
Trelinski:
France is another country. Try again.
Contestant:
Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski:
Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant:
Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski:
Just guess a country then.
Contestant:
Paris.


THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:
Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant:
The Conservative Party.


                                 BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark:
For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis:
I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?


              UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne:
What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant:
Goosey?


GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter:
What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant:
I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO?  MANCHESTER)
Phil:
What's 11 squared?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Phil:
I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:
Is it five?


RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant:
Forrest Gump.


RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant:
Er. ... ...
Richard:
He makes bread . ..
Contestant:
Er .. ......
Richard:
He makes cakes . ..
Contestant:
Kipling Street?
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter:
Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:
Barcelona.
Presenter:
I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:
I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain ...


NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question:
What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:
The Pacific.


ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter:
Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre:
What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:
Magna Carta?


JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien:
How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:
Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth .... ER. ER ... Three?


CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle:
In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller:
Japan.
Chris Searle:
I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller:
Er ........ Mexico ?


PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat:
How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause):
Fourteen days.


DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:
In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:
Holland?
Daryl Denham:
Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant:
Iceland? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully)
It's a bad line Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:
No.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood:
What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:
Er... .... ...
Phil Wood:
It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .
Contestant:
Blimey?
Phil Wood:
Ha ha ha ha, no The past participle of run . . ..
Contestant:
(Silence)
Phil Wood:
OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant:
Walked?


THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes:
What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant:
Nostalgia.


STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright:
Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant:
Jesus.
Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
jackmountain
Senior Member
****
Offline


Australian Politics

Posts: 350
Gender: male
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #86 - Dec 20th, 2014 at 3:56pm
 
Muslims are the Victims
Back to top
 

#Illridewithinfidels

Never trust a Mussey
 
IP Logged
 
Black Orchid
Gold Member
*****
Offline



Posts: 5788
Gender: female
Re: Joke of the Day
Reply #87 - Dec 31st, 2014 at 2:23pm
 
Back to top
 
 
IP Logged
 
Pages: 1 
Send Topic Print