What does sperm and lawyers have in common?

Both have a one in fifty million chance of turning into a human being.

MumboJumbo wrote on Nov 27^th, 2014 at 6:12pm:



your broad minded I see..

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.





Men are like that, you know.




And on another note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimers research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Paddy went to the stable one morning and his horse was gone.. he set off tracking the hoof prints and went at it day after day... many miles away, on the track of the hooves, an acquaintance spotted him and called out,

"Oi, Paddy - what're ye doin'?"

"Ah, Seamus - can't ye see I'm dogging a fled horse?"

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid,
so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are
smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is
going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets
down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and
smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living
room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at
the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks
what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him
that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by
painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket
over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the
directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

This is a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida:

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! GET OUT OF THE CAR!"...

The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Moral of the story?

If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable!

Neferti wrote on Dec 1^st, 2014 at 6:38am:




nef.. this is a true story as well.. happened to a friend of mine

she is 90 god love her..but she doesnt drive her car anymore...

she went to a shopping centre in Melb and parked car right next to the doors in the disabled spot.. got her walking frame out .. and went shopping..

on her return the boot was open.. and she panicked..called for help Ive been robbed and they have stolen my number plate.....the manager came and after calming her down as much as possible  finally rang her son who drove to the shops  in great haste.. when he arrived he discovered mother was the one that left the boot open and the number plate is attached to the boot cover...she didnt know whether to laugh or cry... she handed in her licence soon after and sold the car...we still laugh when we see her..

. . .
MY NEW BOYFRIENDS!!!


I am seeing 5 gentlemen (give or take) every day!
As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed.
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Then I go to see John.


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Then Arthur Ritis shows up & stays the rest of the day.
He doesn't like to stay in one place very long so he takes me from joint to joint.



After such a busy day, I'm really tired & very glad to go to bed with Earl Grey.
What a life!
Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer;
or whatever his name is. I forget!



and I'm thinking of calling JACK DANIELS, Jim Beam or JOHNNY WALKER to come over and keep me company.


Now remember:
Life is like a roll of toilet paper ...... the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
So have fun, think 'good thoughts' only, learn to laugh at yourself, and 'count your blessings!!