uhuh

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him,
"Do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "No tanks, oi've only got a small yard."

                        Description: cid:842013B2E832478495E73423CEE99113@LiandianPC
Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"

                            Description: cid:6916812B9BEE47739CCFCB1AE1BA1614@LiandianPC
A coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going.....
the driver won £52!

Description: cid:119FDCD2E42343C1900A3E9AA0A2AD63@LiandianPC
Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
He phones the police and says "Bejasus I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?
Paddy says "No, oi tink it's beef"

                                                     Description: cid:95B0CD336295482DB8F1C635A117EABE@LiandianPC
Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

                            Description: cid:2F1D2F27CA8A47C481109A8AF0877211@LiandianPC
Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor.
Mick says, "Oi Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

Description: cid:038412C119264E64BE64AC6473F505D5@LiandianPC
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil...



Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"

                        
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."


Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine.

Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail ya fool!"


Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.   "Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"


19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."


The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.


I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.  As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.  I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!


My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.


I start a new job in Seoul next week.  I thought it was a good Korea move.


I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.  I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.


Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.


My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.  She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said "You're obviously not listening."


The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst.  So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.


Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.


Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.  I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby


The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.  I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."


When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.  What a pair of sexists.  I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!


Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.


Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!


A teddy bear is working on a building site.
He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.
The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman.  The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."



My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.  Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.


Just got back from my mate's funeral.  He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.


An Asian fellow has moved in next door.  He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain.  It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat

cods wrote on Nov 24^th, 2014 at 8:29am:



hahahaha, some very good ones

WARNING WARNING..
if you are prudish go no further...its a bit rude.




QUICKIES


Low Battery
A man saved his girlfriend’s phone number on his mobile as ‘Low Battery’. Whenever she calls him, in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger. Give that man a medal.

Government Survey
A government survey has shown that 91 percent of illegal immigrants come to America so that they can see their own doctor.

I’ve just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the missus look like she’s moving during intercourse.

Two Thai girls asked me if I’d like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right.. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

Such an unfair world: When a man talks dirty to a woman it’s considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $2.50/min (charges may vary).

Valentine’s Day
Just booked a table for Valentine’s Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she’s lousy at snooker.

Got a new Jack Russell pup today. He’s mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I’ve called him England.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It’s spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly