Abuse inside Christian marriages – a personal story

Ten years ago I was in the middle of a situation that an anti-domestic expert called "intimate partner terrorism" on Q&A this week. My then husband was supposedly a Christian, a very pious, rather obsessive one. He was a great amateur preacher, very encouraging to his friends and evangelistically inclined. He led Bible studies. He wanted to train for the ministry.

He just had one little problem. He liked psychologically torturing me. And dragging me by the hair around our apartment. And punching me – hard, whilst telling me how pathetic I was. He gave me lists with highlighted sections of Bible passages about nagging wives and how I should submit to him. I was subjected to almost the full catalogue of abusive behaviour.

He was a classic wolf in sheep's clothing. The Bible warns us repeatedly about people like that.

Since leaving this man, I have been shocked by the devastation that domestic abuse has caused women my age, in Sydney in general and in the Anglican Church in particular. How talented, godly, intelligent women have ended up brainwashed, sometimes with severe depression and wanting to kill themselves. With some of them leaving the church.
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Which is why I have been stunned at the reaction to Julia Baird's recent article in the Sydney Morning Herald about domestic violence in the church. A theologian, Claire Smith, and minister, Karl Faase, have both written articles in response indicating that this type of situation doesn't happen in our church, or if it does, it's not very often. They also claim that ministers of the church do not teach or behave in a way that encourages such things. They have claimed there is no evidence, and many others have agreed with them.

Well, I disagree.

When something like this happens to you, people start telling you things. I have since that time spoken to women who tell you that they couldn't understand how it happened, how they just thought they had to put up with it and how they thought it was their fault.

And they thought that due to what they had been taught in church and reinforced by their spouse, that it was their duty to stay. In an Anglican diocese that specialises in telling men and women how to relate to each other "according to the Bible", nothing they heard from the pulpit told them anything different. Sometimes it is the statements that are not made that scream the loudest. Often inappropriate statements had been made to them by their pastors, sometimes including counselling them to prayerfully "stick it out" in the midst of severe abuse.

In the end, it wasn't a helpful minister or a kind friend that first convinced me that I should try to leave my abusive situation. They had no clue of what was going on as I didn't think I was allowed to tell them. I wouldn't even have named my situation as domestic violence at that time, so I didn't think to call the DV hotline.  It was a copy of Anne Bronte's The Tenant of Wildfell Hall and Wilkie Collins' The Woman in White. I was saved by a lending card to a public library.

My husband controlled much of my media intake, but he never realised that 19th century British fiction contained such subversive material, so he let me read it. His downfall was that he reminded me too much of the evil "rake" in the first novel and the psychopathic villain in the second. And despite the brainwashing, I thought that if Anne Bronte (who was a daughter of an Anglican clergyman) could write a novel in Victorian England where the heroine could leave an evil man like that, what was I doing staying with one 150 years later?

So what would I say to those who would minimise the extent of domestic violence occurring within church families and the inadequacy of the churches' response to the problem?

You are wrong. Very wrong. You do not know what you are talking about.

You wanted statistics? Well, I have been unable to find a study that has been conducted on the prevalence of domestic violence in Australian churches. This not evidence that such a problem does not exist, it is just evidence that we are too apathetic to record such things and how difficult it is to get people to speak of them. However, a 2006 Anglican Church publication indicated that in Britain:

    Domestic abuse affects one in five   adults over their lifetime (one in four  women and one in seven  men).
    The incidence of domestic abuse within Methodist church congregations is similar to the rate within the general population and the rate within the British Anglican church is unlikely to be any different.
    Domestic abuse occurs among all types of households and all professions, including clergy.
    One in three suicide attempts is by a victim of domestic abuse.
    45 per cent of female homicide victims were killed by their present or former partner.
    750,000 British children a year witnessed domestic abuse (in a population of 60.5 million) and 33 per cent of these had seen their mother beaten severely.
    Domestic abuse is a much better description of the problem than domestic violence as it includes physical violence, emotional, psychological and spiritual abuse.
    Churches have traditionally found all sorts of ways not to "own" the problem of domestic abuse.

http://www.smh.com.au/comment/smh-editorial/abuse-inside-christian-marriages--a-personal-story-20150301-13rrvr.html

Quote:

..................He was a classic wolf in sheep's clothing. The Bible warns us repeatedly about people like that....................

Sprintcyclist wrote on Mar 2^nd, 2015 at 10:10am:

Quote: ..................He was a classic wolf in sheep's clothing. The Bible warns us repeatedly about people like that....................

Precisely.

Can't see the point of this story.  There doesn't seem to be any reason (besides the ol' anti-religious propaganda) to focus this on domestic violence in churches as opposed to domestic violence in general. 

... wrote on Mar 2^nd, 2015 at 10:56am:

Can't see the point of this story.  There doesn't seem to be any reason (besides the ol' anti-religious propaganda) to focus this on domestic violence in churches as opposed to domestic violence in general.

Walid is a hypocrite muslim.

Allah the most merciful of those who show mercy approves of wife beating if you fear disobedience, how do you think a muslim male keeps 4 wives in line.
quran.com/4/34

Baronvonrort wrote on Mar 2^nd, 2015 at 11:11am:

... wrote on Mar 2nd, 2015 at 10:56am: Can't see the point of this story.  There doesn't seem to be any reason (besides the ol' anti-religious propaganda) to focus this on domestic violence in churches as opposed to domestic violence in general.  Walid is a hypocrite muslim. Allah the most merciful of those who show mercy approves of wife beating if you fear disobedience, how do you think a muslim male keeps 4 wives in line. quran.com/4/34

Ohhhhh. Many thanks for the heads up.

Lisa Jones wrote on Mar 2^nd, 2015 at 11:18am:

Baronvonrort wrote on Mar 2nd, 2015 at 11:11am: ... wrote on Mar 2nd, 2015 at 10:56am: Can't see the point of this story.  There doesn't seem to be any reason (besides the ol' anti-religious propaganda) to focus this on domestic violence in churches as opposed to domestic violence in general.  Walid is a hypocrite muslim. Allah the most merciful of those who show mercy approves of wife beating if you fear disobedience, how do you think a muslim male keeps 4 wives in line. quran.com/4/34 Ohhhhh. Many thanks for the heads up.

There is also this-

Quote:

The Prophet said- A man will not be asked as to why he beat his wife. sunnah.com/abudawud/12/102

Sprintcyclist wrote on Mar 2^nd, 2015 at 10:10am:

Quote: ..................He was a classic wolf in sheep's clothing. The Bible warns us repeatedly about people like that....................

U must have selected reading.ARticle clearly mentions wife abuse and torture secondary to Christian teachings.

Baronvonrort wrote on Mar 2^nd, 2015 at 11:11am:

... wrote on Mar 2nd, 2015 at 10:56am: Can't see the point of this story.  There doesn't seem to be any reason (besides the ol' anti-religious propaganda) to focus this on domestic violence in churches as opposed to domestic violence in general.  Walid is a hypocrite muslim. Allah the most merciful of those who show mercy approves of wife beating if you fear disobedience, how do you think a muslim male keeps 4 wives in line. quran.com/4/34

Where have I ever mentioned that women should get hit.

Actually it was a particular Christian here who said women who wear scarves should be caned.

Scored own goal u fool.

wally1 wrote on Mar 2^nd, 2015 at 6:36am:

He just had one little problem. He liked psychologically torturing me. And dragging me by the hair around our apartment. And punching me – hard, whilst telling me how pathetic I was. He gave me lists with highlighted sections of Bible passages about nagging wives and how I should submit to him. I was subjected to almost the full catalogue of abusive behaviour.

My condolences, Wally.


Quote:

Proverbs 21:9 ESV / 295 helpful votes It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife. Proverbs 27:15 ESV / 200 helpful votes A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike; Proverbs 21:19 ESV / 184 helpful votes It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman. Proverbs 25:24 ESV / 150 helpful votes It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.

wally1 wrote on Mar 2^nd, 2015 at 6:36am:

Abuse inside Christian marriages – a personal story Ten years ago I was in the middle of a situation that an anti-domestic expert called "intimate partner terrorism" on Q&A this week. My then husband was supposedly a Christian, a very pious, rather obsessive one. He was a great amateur preacher, very encouraging to his friends and evangelistically inclined. He led Bible studies. He wanted to train for the ministry. l

And how does that compare to abuse in Islamic marriages, on a one to one basis????

gizmo_2655 wrote on Mar 2^nd, 2015 at 4:21pm:

wally1 wrote on Mar 2nd, 2015 at 6:36am: Abuse inside Christian marriages – a personal story Ten years ago I was in the middle of a situation that an anti-domestic expert called "intimate partner terrorism" on Q&A this week. My then husband was supposedly a Christian, a very pious, rather obsessive one. He was a great amateur preacher, very encouraging to his friends and evangelistically inclined. He led Bible studies. He wanted to train for the ministry. l And how does that compare to abuse in Islamic marriages, on a one to one basis????

Does it really matter, Gizmo?  I'd say abuse in any marriage, be it Christian/Islamic/Buddhist/Taoist or any other was just as bad as each other.  Doesn't matter where one draws one's justification from IMO.   It is still abuse.   ::)

2 women killed weekly in Australia by their spouses. It is a disgrace.