A muslim guy doused himself with petrol and set himself alight the other day.
The neighbours had a collection for his family who were left.
So far they have got 24 litres.   ;)

priceless sprint-got anymore ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;Dii

Sprintcyclist wrote on Oct 12^th, 2007 at 7:17pm:

A muslim guy doused himself with petrol and set himself alight the other day. The neighbours had a collection for his family who were left. So far they have got 24 litres.   ;)

I douse my self in petrol regularly! Its fun! Although I do smell like a lawnmower when I'm finished... Maybe its the brand of petrol? Next time I'll try coles-express petrol fresh from the pump!

Remembered another.

There was a survey to find out why men like fellatio so much.
15% said it was because of the sensations.
25% said it was due to the trust and closeness they felt.
60% said they liked the silence.

Sprintcyclist wrote on Nov 2^nd, 2007 at 4:03pm:

Remembered another. There was a survey to find out why men like fellatio so much. 15% said it was because of the sensations. 25% said it was due to the trust and closeness they felt. 60% said they liked the silence.

SEXIST!!

Here is another sexist joke.


Q/ Know how to tell when your best mate has turned gay ?


A/ His penis tastes different.

Sprintcyclist wrote on Nov 7^th, 2007 at 2:46pm:

Here is another sexist joke. Q/ Know how to tell when your best mate has turned gay ? A/ His penis tastes different.

ok

Sprintcyclist wrote on Nov 7^th, 2007 at 2:46pm:

Here is another sexist joke. Q/ Know how to tell when your best mate has turned gay ? A/ His penis tastes different.

Do you mean his pe nis?

Not fond of another s blokes d ick myself.

no answer

LowTideJettyJumper wrote on Nov 2^nd, 2007 at 4:00pm:

Sprintcyclist wrote on Oct 12th, 2007 at 7:17pm: A muslim guy doused himself with petrol and set himself alight the other day. The neighbours had a collection for his family who were left. So far they have got 24 litres.   ;) I douse my self in petrol regularly! Its fun! Although I do smell like a lawnmower when I'm finished... Maybe its the brand of petrol? Next time I'll try coles-express petrol fresh from the pump!

I'll supply the Matches. No charge.

This one is a "Middle Eastern" phrase/joke/whatever.



"A goat for convenience, a woman for a baby, but a boy for pleasure."

Sprintcyclist wrote on Dec 4^th, 2007 at 3:23pm:

This one is a "Middle Eastern" phrase/joke/whatever. "A goat for convenience, a woman for a baby, but a boy for pleasure."

i don't get it???

what is that supposed to mean??

Sprintcyclist wrote on Dec 4^th, 2007 at 3:23pm:

"A goat for convenience, a woman for a baby, but a boy for pleasure."

;D Funny.





wrote on Dec 5^th, 2007 at 11:22am:

i don't get it??? what is that supposed to mean??

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Bloody hilarious!!

Sprintcyclist wrote on Dec 4^th, 2007 at 3:23pm:

This one is a "Middle Eastern" phrase/joke/whatever. "A goat for convenience, a woman for a baby, but a boy for pleasure."

Sprints jokes are anything but funny.

Its  sexist./racist/and most of all offensive to the victims of peadophiles.

Its over all disgusting. Racism/sexism/vulgarity dressed up as what is supposed to pass for' humour'.

Sprint is the first one to jump on pple for being sexist vulgar coarse..yet he is the worst offender.

Did you hear about the lesbian cabinet makers ?
They used no nails, screws or glue.

It was all tongue in groove.  

Acid Monkey wrote on Dec 6^th, 2007 at 4:38pm:

wrote on Dec 5th, 2007 at 11:22am: i don't get it??? what is that supposed to mean?? ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Bloody hilarious!!

well AcidMonkey, maybe u can explain it since sprintcyclist hasn't.

wrote on Dec 7^th, 2007 at 1:13pm:

Acid Monkey wrote on Dec 6th, 2007 at 4:38pm: wrote on Dec 5th, 2007 at 11:22am: i don't get it??? what is that supposed to mean?? ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Bloody hilarious!! well AcidMonkey, maybe u can explain it since sprintcyclist hasn't.

Guest-
Sprint is referring to sexual activity betweeen goats women and young boys ie children ..(peadophilic behaviour)..Im not surpised he didnt want to explain it.


So now you can make up your mind if its Ok to joke about (or laugh about) a man having sex with a child an animal or a woman.

dear misguided abusive oceans/auz-gurl/mel/jerry,

it's a pointed comment at arabs/muslim behaviour




you'ld make a good muslim yourself.
determined not to think, wont any responsibility for yourself, abusive, aggressive, victim mentality.
Like to be slapped around by men as well do you ???

Sprint, please stop trying to get the bickering going again. If you are bored I'm sure there's something more constructive you can contribute.

About sexually explicit jokes - what does everyone think about the issue? (In a general sense - don't make this personal) Should we allow them?

Sexually degrading jokes about children and women in particular are not appropriate. [nor animals]

It does not matter if they are in a Muslim context [so called currently topical]- it doesnt make them fair game. Its offensive to ALL children to joke about peadophilia.


And what is the difference if someone  continually denounces Muslim mens treatment of women and children and then comes and has a 'laugh' at the expense of  same?
Hiow does that make him any better/different than a Muslim man? IN my book it doesnt because he is SUPPOSED to know better but chooses to offend anyway.

Disgusting.

Jokes are jokes.  How can a joke be offensive?  Except if you lack a sense of humour I suppose - then a joke would seem unfair as others are having fun and you aren't.

We could tell jokes about testicular craptacular and stuff?

deepthought wrote on Dec 8^th, 2007 at 9:17pm:

Jokes are jokes.  How can a joke be offensive?  Except if you lack a sense of humour I suppose - then a joke would seem unfair as others are having fun and you aren't. We could tell jokes about testicular craptacular and stuff?

Some jokes are just plain off even tho  I do take your point.

wrote on Dec 8^th, 2007 at 9:26pm:

deepthought wrote on Dec 8th, 2007 at 9:17pm: Jokes are jokes.  How can a joke be offensive?  Except if you lack a sense of humour I suppose - then a joke would seem unfair as others are having fun and you aren't. We could tell jokes about testicular craptacular and stuff? Some jokes are just plain off even tho  I do take your point.

It's all about attitude.  If you are bit prudish then many jokes will seem risque.  But if you have an open mind then not much will offend you.  I either find them funny or silly.  But I never see jokes as rude.

I do take exception to jokes about sexual activity involving children..altho' a lot of males dont have a problem with this.
Not saying you of course, a general observation.

If that makes me a prude, then I guess I am.

I haven't seen all that many jokes that involve children and sexual activity...perhaps you hang out in the wrong circles? Maybe you could give us a few examples seeing as you are familiar with them?

Although I suspect it is more about you and the poster of this particular joke than your supposed righteous indignation

oceans a prude  !!!!
her comments previously about fisting someone with a handful of razor blades tends to make me think not.

or is it just a prude when it suits your wishes ?

That was me Sprint...and it was wishful thinking on my behalf

IQSRLOW wrote on Dec 8^th, 2007 at 9:49pm:

That was me Sprint...and it was wishful thinking on my behalf

Yes IQ "  fistful of rusty razor blades" I do believe...

Dont forget the meat puppets..

You really excelled yourself with those 2.

Dont care what you think Sprint- peadophilic jokes appeal to certain pple, but not those who care about kids.

"Yes IQ "  fistful of rusty razor blades" I do believe...

Dont forget the meat puppets.. "

Bloody meat puppets...if I remember correctly- The picture needs to be painted correctly to obtain maximum value  :D

wrote on Dec 8^th, 2007 at 9:32pm:

I do take exception to jokes about sexual activity involving children..altho' a lot of males dont have a problem with this. Not saying you of course, a general observation. If that makes me a prude, then I guess I am.

When is a joke not a joke?  I make many jokes but the responsibility for taking exception rests solely with the person taking exception.  So the problem that you have with jokes is your problem.

I do accept good taste is an issue of course and the jokes one might tell on an adult internet forum are not necessarily the jokes one would tell one's mum.  But this is an adult internet forum and everyone here is a grown up.

Jokes about children are probably going too far though because if they get upset it toughens the meat when you cook them in the microwave.

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a
beautiful dress on sale in the second.

In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile
phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a
terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that
she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be
her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more
shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a
cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last
shop.

She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband.

Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's
condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished
your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!
While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town,
your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just
as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely
the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will
require round the clock care. And you'll now be his full time carer!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The female doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.
He's dead. What'd you buy?'

finally - the answer!

---

Freediver-

Im not getting that one but cute bear..?

Sprint..I actually laughed out loud to that one..

oceans - that piccie confirms one of lifes big questions.


"Does a brown bear ....."

http://www.ozpolitic.com/funny/why-men-shouldn't-buy-baby-clothes.html

---

GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING  

DO NOT

SWALLOW  CHEWING-GUM  !!  


http://www.ozpolitic.com/album/members/freediver/donotswallowchewinggum.jpg

http://www.gayjihadi.com/gayjihadi.jpg

http://203.26.51.178/cracker/224352_1.jpg

freediver wrote on Dec 7^th, 2007 at 4:44pm:

About sexually explicit jokes - what does everyone think about the issue? (In a general sense - don't make this personal) Should we allow them?

I have strong views about racial, religious and sexual discrimination, and politics. However, a joke is a joke; and I think that its okay to joke about the issues that you believe in. Just as it's ok to crack jokes at your own expense. It's just making light of a situation and a bit of fun.

But it's all fun and games until someone gets hurt. You have to be mindful of the sensitivity of others. And should you offend someone you apologise because you've taken it too far. End of story.

Many of you already know my stand on most of the issues over the last year... so here's a joke I've just heard:

I was feeling suicidal the other day so I called Lifeline. I got some call centre in Pakistan. When I told them my problem they whooped with joy and asked me whether I can drive a truck.

;)

I was feeling depressed the other night, so I rang Lifeline.  I got a call centre in Afgahnistan.  

I told them I was feeling suicidal.  They got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane!

The Aboriginals said they were sorry too, but they don't know nuffin about no "stolen generators"...

http://dingo.care2.com/pictures/c2c/galleries/albums/243/202513583/Anotha_Memes__amp__LoLs/theniwaslik.jpg

---

Bollywood transcribed (music video):

http://www.crikey.com.au/video.html?source=cmailer

"Jailed donkey proves law is an ass By staff writers
May 22, 2008 08:10am

A DONKEY has been freed from a Mexican jail after serving three days for assaulting two men.

Local TV showed showed Blacky the donkey eating from a bucket after three days in a jail that normally holds people for public drunkenness and other disturbances, the Associated Press reported.

Blacky was jailed for biting and kicking two men near a ranch outside Tuxtla Gutierrez, the capital of the southern state of Chiapas.

Officials freed the donkey after its owner paid a $US36 ($38) fine and the $US115 hospital bill for the men.

They were bitten on the chest and one suffered a broken ankle"


http://www.news.com.au/couriermail/story/0,23739,23739461-5003402,00.html

I know what they'll be thinking ..... mmmm burritos  :o

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/duty_calls.png

http://xkcd.com/386/

---

LOL heres a beaut!

---

freediver wrote on May 22^nd, 2008 at 8:57am:

I know what they'll be thinking ..... mmmm burritos  :o http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/duty_calls.png http://xkcd.com/386/

LOL.
I can think of a few people like that whop frequent this site (myself included).

;D ;D ;D

Little Johnny had a riddle for his teacher,
"Miss johnson, what is hairy, and begins with 'C' and ends with 'T'?

Miss Johnson was very concerned at this question, but cautiously allowed little Johnny to tell her, "CococonuT' ;D

Hmm, here I was thinking, 'cat'. That's a big word for a little boy.

A man takes the day off work  and
decides to go out golfing
He is on the second hole when  he
notices a frog sitting next to
the green.
He thinks nothing of  it and is
about to shoot when he
hears, Ribbit 9  Iron.'  

The  man looks around and doesn't
see anyone. Again, he
hears, 'Ribbit 9  Iron.' He looks
at the frog and decides to
prove the frog wrong,  puts the
club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!
He hits it 10  inches from the
cup. He is shocked. He says
to the frog, 'Wow that's  amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, 'Ribbit  Lucky frog.'
The man decides to take t he frog
with him to the next  hole.

'What do you think frog?' the
man asks. 'Ribbit 3  wood.'
The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one. The  
man is befuddled and doesn't know
what to say. By the end
of  the day, the man golfed the
best game of golf in his life and
asks  the frog, 'OK where to next?'
The frog replies, 'Ribbit  Las  Vegas  


'They  go to Las  Vegas
and  the guy says, 'OK frog, now
what?' The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.'  Upon
approaching the roulette table, The man
asks, 'What do you  think I should
bet?' The frog replies, 'Ribbit
$3000, black  6.'

Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but
after the  golf game the man
figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash  comes sliding back across the table

The  man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits  the frog down and
says, 'Frog, I don't know how to repay you.  
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful.'

The  frog replies,
'Ribbit Kiss Me.'
He figures why not,
since after  all the frog did for
him, he deserves it. With a
kiss, the frog  turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl.



'And  that,

Your  Honour, is how the girl
ended up in my room. So help me God
or my  name is not William Jefferson Clinton.'

What's a four letter word that is entirely feminine and ends in :-

.....unt

Aunt?

muso wrote on Jun 22^nd, 2008 at 8:13am:

Aunt?

;D ;D ;D

The ALP love the poor people.

That's why they make so many of them.

Beaut news item title.


"Mormons make missionary position clear"





THE creator of a calendar featuring buff Mormon missionaries has been excommunicated as punishment by local church leaders.

Chad Hardy said he bore no ill will toward the council of elders from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints over his punishment.

"I felt like I spoke my truth,'' the 31-year-old entertainment entrepreneur said after the disciplinary meeting in Las Vegas.

"Bottom-line, they still felt the calendar is inappropriate and not the image that the church wants to have,'' the Associated Press reported.

Men on a Mission, which has sold nearly 10,000 copies, features pictures of 12 returned missionaries wearing trousers but not their trademark white shirts.

The men are photographed in traditional missionary garb and share their religious beliefs in biographical sketches.

Some of the 12 featured have also been called to disciplinary meetings but have been punished.

Frank Davie, the senior leader of a group of Mormon congregations in the Las Vegas area, confirmed the 12-member council's decision to the AP.

Mr Hardy said the purpose of the 2008 calendar was not to tear down the church or its 13 million members.

"The project is about stepping outside the stereotypes and stepping outside of the image,'' he said.

"Not everybody fits the image and I let them know we're not trying to portray an image for the entire church.''




http://www.news.com.au/couriermail/story/0,23739,24016421-5003402,00.html

LOL. Did someone not get an inkling that this calender might not be a good idea?

Umm... let's see, who shall we pick to be Miss January - I mean Mister Jan - I mean Pastor January.

Oh yes! Father! That's it! Give us a little smile! That's it! BEAUTIFUL! Excellent pose! Now flex those pecs! ALRIGHT! YES! WONDERFUL. You have an excellent body Father.

;D ;D ;D

then there is the "Where the f*ck are We" tribe.

3 foot pygmies in  9 foot grass..leaping up and yelling "where the f*ck are we"?

Two explorers landed on an uncharted land. They were greeted by some natives.

Explorer #1: Hello! I am Captain Holmes! And this is my second-in-commend Major Watson. And who might you be?

Tribe warrior #1: Lucy!

Captain Holmes: And you sir?

Tribe Warrior #2: Lucy!

Captain Holmes: And you?

Tribe Warrior #3: Lucy!

Tribe Warrior #4: Lucy!

Tribe Warrior #5: Lucy!

Captain Holmes: Watson, I think I know where we are.

Major Watson: Where, sir?

Captain Holmes: A Lucy Nation.

;D ;D ;D

;D ;D ;D ;D

Why are women like clouds?

Eventually they f*ck off and its a really nice day



Zebo, a half blind five year old south african orphan, has to ride 7
miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. If you send just small donation of 2 dollars, I'll send you the video, it's smacking hilarious....

His lack of intelligence is only bettered by his stupidity.



"AN Indian pensioner has failed his high school exams for the 38th consecutive time - but vows to keep on trying.

Despite devoting his life to passing India's year 10 exams, Shiv Charan, 74, scored 14 per cent in English, 17 per cent in science, 5 per cent in mathematics and 25 per cent in Sanskrit.

He only managed a pass in Hindi with 34 per cent, the Daily Telegraph reported.

"I will fulfil my commitment and continue taking the board examinations till I pass," Mr Charan said.

"For me, success is not merely about clearing the examinations. It will also throw open the doors of marriage."


http://www.news.com.au/couriermail/story/0,23739,24033385-5013016,00.html

God has a talk to Adam and says, 'Adam, I want you to do something for me.  I want you to go to a cave near here."

"But, what is a cave," says Adam.  God explains.

"There you will find a woman named Eve."

"But, what is a woman," says Adam.  God explains.

"The World needs populating, and you must copulate with Eve."

"But, God, what is copulating?"

God explains, getting a tad weary.

"So, Go Adam!"

Adam goes into the cave, and he emerges shortly thereafter.

"What happened Adam?"

"God......what is a 'headache?'"

;D ;D ;D ;D

An Australian Aboriginal picks up a hooker.

"How much do you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks.

"$100," she replies.

He says "Do you do Aboriginal style?"

"No" she says.

"I pay you $200 to do it Aboriginal style"

"No", she says, not knowing what Aboriginal style is.

"I pay you $300"

"No", she says.

"I pay you $400"

"No", she says.

So finally he says, "OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it Aboriginal style."

She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had  every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could Aboriginal Style be?''.

So she agrees and has sex with him.

They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Aboriginal  style'?"

The Aboriginal replies "You send da bill to da Gub'ment"

A smiley frtom NZ: http://www.millan.net/minimations/smileys/sheepsmiley.gif

http://i74.photobucket.com/albums/i266/morgainne/bears.jpg

I will do my best to do this one justice.....one I saw on the www...







A bloke arrives home after work, settles down in front of the TV, and says to his Wife, "Quick, grab me a beer before it starts."

...and she does.

He enjoys that one, and says, "Quick, grab me another one, it will start very soon."

...and she does.

He quaffs that one, and asks for another.

"Bugger you," she says, You have been here five minutes, flopped yourself in that chair, done bugger all, and you expect me to get your beer for you."

In reply, he says, "It's started."

That's classic ;D

An elderly lady complains to the M.D. that she passes gas many times a day. "It's really more of a nuisance than a problem," she explains, "They're silent and they don't smell." The M.D. gives her a prescription and tells her to come back in a week.

She returns and says, "I don't know what it was you gave me, doc, but I still pass gas all the time, it is still silent, but it smells terribly!"

The M.D. replies, "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, we'll see what we can do for your hearing."

China must end detentions: Bush
August 6, 2008 - 9:51PM

The United States is firmly opposed to China's detention of dissidents and other activists, President George W Bush will say in a pointed message on the eve of the Beijing Olympics.

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

The full joke here.

Maybe this should be in the spirituality forum?
It does look strangely familiar.

---

LOL. It took me ages to figure out what that one actually is.

---

Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: (I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

I know one, I'll probably butcher it though.

Anyway, this guy wakes up one morning and the wife says to him "You look terrible! Get yourself off to the doctor!" to which he replied, "But I feel great love! Off to work with me, it's a lovely day, enjoy yourself sweetheart." And with that he set off to work with a smile on his face, signing along to the radio in the car.

He gets to work and all his workmates look at him with a look of shock on their faces. "Mate you looking horrible, go see a doctor there's something wrong with you." to which he said "There's nothing wrong I feel fine." the supervisor doesn't believe him and tells him to go to the doctor and get a certificate stating he can work.

So the man heads off to the doctor.

As soon as he gets there the receptionist looks up at him and exclaims "OH MY GOD!" and runs and gets the doctor. He stops seeing his other patient and they rush this man through in front of all the others in the waiting room, without even checking his medicare card.

The doctor clearly looks worried and is asking the man what's wrong. "I don't know doctor, I feel great but all day people have been telling me to go to the doctor and now I have to get a certificate saying I can work or my boss won't let me back on site." The doctor says, "There is clearly something wrong here, you look horrible! I'm going to have to run some tests."

The doctor runs a battery of tests on the man, all the while saying "Doc, I feel great!"

Finally, the doctor, completely out of his depth here sits down at his desk and begins consulting his text books.

After an hour or so of reading and flicking pages, the doctor lets out an "Ah ha! I found it! I know what's wrong with you! You look horrible and feel great right?" "Yeah doc, that's it, what's wrong with me?" to which the doctor replies, "You're a vagina."

Hunters make the best lovers

Because they go deep into the bush.

They go in often

They shoot more

And they always eat what they shoot.

Thanks goodbloke, and welcome to OzPolitic.

easel wrote on Aug 8^th, 2008 at 5:22pm:

I know one, I'll probably butcher it though. Anyway, this guy wakes up one morning and the wife says to him "You look terrible! Get yourself off to the doctor!" to which he replied, "But I feel great love! Off to work with me, it's a lovely day, enjoy yourself sweetheart." And with that he set off to work with a smile on his face, signing along to the radio in the car. He gets to work and all his workmates look at him with a look of shock on their faces. "Mate you looking horrible, go see a doctor there's something wrong with you." to which he said "There's nothing wrong I feel fine." the supervisor doesn't believe him and tells him to go to the doctor and get a certificate stating he can work. So the man heads off to the doctor. As soon as he gets there the receptionist looks up at him and exclaims "OH MY GOD!" and runs and gets the doctor. He stops seeing his other patient and they rush this man through in front of all the others in the waiting room, without even checking his medicare card. The doctor clearly looks worried and is asking the man what's wrong. "I don't know doctor, I feel great but all day people have been telling me to go to the doctor and now I have to get a certificate saying I can work or my boss won't let me back on site." The doctor says, "There is clearly something wrong here, you look horrible! I'm going to have to run some tests." The doctor runs a battery of tests on the man, all the while saying "Doc, I feel great!" Finally, the doctor, completely out of his depth here sits down at his desk and begins consulting his text books. After an hour or so of reading and flicking pages, the doctor lets out an "Ah ha! I found it! I know what's wrong with you! You look horrible and feel great right?" "Yeah doc, that's it, what's wrong with me?" to which the doctor replies, "You're a vagina."

I don't get it??? :-?

Read the last few lines.  ;)

A ha! "You look horrible and feel great right?" Duh! Thanks!

;D ;D

;)

My GP referred me to a female urologist.  I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous.  She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I have to stop masturbating.

I asked her why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."

[quote author=midnightcowboy link=1192180659/60#69 date=1218180128]I know one, I'll probably butcher it though.

Anyway, this guy wakes up one morning and the wife says to him "You look terrible! Get yourself off to the doctor!" to which he replied, "But I feel great love! Off to work with me, it's a lovely day, enjoy yourself sweetheart." And with that he set off to work with a smile on his face, signing along to the radio in the car.

He gets to work and all his workmates look at him with a look of shock on their faces. "Mate you looking horrible, go see a doctor there's something wrong with you." to which he said "There's nothing wrong I feel fine." the supervisor doesn't believe him and tells him to go to the doctor and get a certificate stating he can work.

So the man heads off to the doctor.

As soon as he gets there the receptionist looks up at him and exclaims "OH MY GOD!" and runs and gets the doctor. He stops seeing his other patient and they rush this man through in front of all the others in the waiting room, without even checking his medicare card.

The doctor clearly looks worried and is asking the man what's wrong. "I don't know doctor, I feel great but all day people have been telling me to go to the doctor and now I have to get a certificate saying I can work or my boss won't let me back on site." The doctor says, "There is clearly something wrong here, you look horrible! I'm going to have to run some tests."

The doctor runs a battery of tests on the man, all the while saying "Doc, I feel great!"

Finally, the doctor, completely out of his depth here sits down at his desk and begins consulting his text books.

After an hour or so of reading and flicking pages, the doctor lets out an "Ah ha! I found it! I know what's wrong with you! You look horrible and feel great right?" "Yeah doc, that's it, what's wrong with me?" to which the doctor replies, "You're a vagina."[/quote]

Guys have very ugly bits..

Lets clear that up.     ::)

what is the new fragrance used by kiwi women to attract a partner?

mint sauce....

hehehehehe

*Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:*
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'
**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************

At a Proctologist's door:
'To expedite your visit, please back in.'
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
**************************

On another Plumber's truck:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
**************************

On a Church's Bill board:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'
**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
'Invite us to your next blowout.'
**************************

At a Towing company:
'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want
tows.'
**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and
take appropriate
action.'
**************************

On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'
**************************

At an Optometrist's Office:
'If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place.'
**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'
**************************

On a Fence:
'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
**************************

At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car
payment.'
**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
**************************

At the Electric Company
'We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be.'
**************************

In a Restaurant window:
'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and
get fed up.'
**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'
**************************

At a Propane Filling Station:
'Thank heaven for little grills.'
**************************

And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
'Best place in town to take a leak.'
**********************

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
'Caution - This Truck is full of Political
Promises'

---

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2007:


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]



Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]



Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]



Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]



Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]



War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]



If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]




Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!



Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]



Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]



New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]



Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]



Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]



Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]



Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]




And the winner is....


Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Kentucky Freud Chicken....

Mother  

Fvckin

Good.




An oldie but a goodie. (the joke, err... and the mother)

In-flight entertainment

If you’re sitting next to someone on a plane who irritates you, try doing this:

  1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
  2. Remove your laptop.
  3. Start it up.
  4. Make sure the fellow traveller who is annoying you can see the screen.
  5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky and move your lips like you are praying.
  6. Then click on this link      
http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf

Yes, that hilarious, but count on it getting you probed when you land.  :o

 
;D

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.  :-/

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" :-?

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye
contact with the women, but some actually smirked.  ;)

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"   [smiley=happy.gif]

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group,
"It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the
price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."  [smiley=kiss.gif] [smiley=vrolijk_26.gif]

Good one Bliss.   ;D

hahah, good going bliss

Why does Michael Jackson like thirty nine years olds?iiiii


'cause they're nine, and there are 30 of them!

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
 
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.
 
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
 
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
 
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a scarf around her waist to hold her up.
 
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
 
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew......
 
.
.
.
.
 
"Bastards won't let me fart."

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.

He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma loved it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says,

"Grandpa........ Go home, you're drunk.

When you have a REALLY bad day, take it out on someone you don't know!

[When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know - take it out on someone you don't know…]

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying, “Hello.”
I politely said, “This is Jason Braemore. Could I please speak with Rachel Carter?”
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me - I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Rachel's correct number and called her - I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again…

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, “You're a scumbag!” and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'scumbag' next to it, and put it on my speed dial. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, “You're a scumbag!” It always cheered me up!

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'scumbag' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?”
He yelled, “NO!” and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, “That's because you're a scumbag!”

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his car window… so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first scumbag, I thought I had better call the BMW scumbag too.
I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”
“Yes, it is.”
“Can you tell me where I can see it?”
“Yes, I live at 1969 West 35th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front.”
“What's your name?” I asked.
“My name is Don Hanson,” he said.
“When's a good time to catch you, Don?”
“I'm home every evening after five.”
“Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”
“Yes?”
“Don, you're a scumbag.”
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial. Now, when I had a problem, I had two scumbags to call…

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Scumbag #1…
“Hello.”
“You're a scumbag!” (But I didn't hang up…)
“Are you still there?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said.
“Stop calling me,” he screamed.
“Make me,” I said.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“My name is Don Hanson.”
“Yeah? Where do you live?”
“Scumbag, I live at 1969 West 35th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front.”
He said, “I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.”
I said, “Yeah, like I'm really scared, scumbag.”
Then I called Scumbag #2.
“Hello?” he said.
“Hello, scumbag,” I said.
He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are, I'll…”
“You'll what?” I said.
“I'll kick your ass,” he exclaimed.
I answered, “Well, scumbag, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.”

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1969 West 35th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called CKVU Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 35th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 35th Street.

There I saw two scumbags beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

Now I feel a lot better…


Fromhttp://www.joe-ks.com/archives_aug2003/Anger_Mgmt.htm

mantra wrote on Aug 31^st, 2008 at 9:32am:

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!" The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma loved it!" At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says, "Grandpa........ Go home, you're drunk.

Made me laugh....so it must be good!

It's important to have fun as we get older.

Just the other day we came out of the movies on seniors day.
There was a policeman writing a parking ticket for a car.
So I abused him and swore at him for ruining the day.
Then my pensioner wife swore at him too, she really went off.
I thought he may have arrested her.
He furiously wrote out another 2 tickets and was just putting them under the windscreen wipers triumphantly when ........
.........our bus arrived.


It's important to have fun as we get older

The true story of 72 Islamic virgins- She (it) was the first.

---

Not a Joke but funny.. Spaceballs

Dark Helmet: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?

Colonel Sandurz: Now. You're looking at now sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now.

Dark Helmet: What happened to then?

Colonel Sandurz: We passed then.

Dark Helmet: When?

Colonel Sandurz: Just now. We're at now, now.

Dark Helmet: Go back to then!

Colonel Sandurz: When?

Dark Helmet: Now.

Colonel Sandurz: Now?

Dark Helmet: Now!

Colonel Sandurz: I can't.

Dark Helmet: Why?

Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.

Dark Helmet: When?

Colonel Sandurz: Just now.

Dark Helmet: When will then be now?

Colonel Sandurz: Soon.

Dark Helmet: How soon?

Video Operator: Sir!

[Dark Helmet has becomed far too confused and everyone now ignores him even though he's center screen]

Dark Helmet: What?

Video Operator: We've identified their location.

Dark Helmet: Where?

Q How many Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None, they prefer to sit in the dark and blame it on the Jews.

kiwi joke, from kiwis.
beached whale on you tube. Very good

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=ZdVHZwI8pcA&feature=related

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!

The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action.

When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'  

A Vaseline representative was doing a door to door survey for his product. He knocked on the door and a young woman opened itwith three young children running around behind her.

- Excuse me madam. I'm doing a survey for vaseline. Have you ever used this product?
- Yes - we use it
- May I ask you what you use it for?
- My husband and I use it to improve our sex lives.
- Oh - I must say I admire your honesty. I think many people use it for the same thing, but they never admit to it. They usually say that they use it on cuts and burns, or to loosen a jar, but it's obvious that they use it for sex. So tell me, how exactly do you use it?

- We smear it on the bedroom door knob. That way we have no interruptions.

Two old guys in their 70's are down at the beach. Their memories are beginning to go.

I'm going to get a coke, says one.

- Well if you're getting a drink, could you get me an icecream? - and don't forget the chocolate sauce this time. Write it down so you won't forget.

- I don't need to write it down. I can remember that easily.

So 10 minutes later he returns.

- here's your pie.

- What do you mean here's my pie? I told you to write it down.

You forgot didn't you?
I specifically asked you for ketchup.

locutius wrote on Sep 17^th, 2008 at 1:15pm:

Not a Joke but funny.. Spaceballs

That is one of my all-time favourite movies!

How Arthur's life of celibacy started:

Arthur and Martha have been married for 25 years. The children have grown up, it was time to re-energise the marriage. They decided to attend a marriage enhancement and revitalisation seminar.

The speaker started out by talking about the need for each partner to know the little things that mattered to the other.
'For example, gents, do you know what your wife's favourite flower is?"

Arthur leant over to martha and whispered:

"It's self-raising, isn' it, dear?"








(Dedicated to lestat :P)

I quite like Achmed's (The Dead Terrorist) 'premature detonation.'

He set the bomb for 20 minutes, but it went off in five.

deju vu.

;)

"The muslims democracy"



A raven sat on the fence post, a fat worm in it mouth.
The wiley hungry fox circled below, "Did you vote for mohammad?", he asked.
"HHHMMMMmmmm" muffled the raven, keeping her beak closed on the worm.
"Please tell me, I have to know."
"MMMMmhhhhrrrhhhhhhh", mumbled back the raven.
"Please, I need to know", then he played his trick, "i will be offended if you don't tell me."
"No, I did not !", blurted out the raven.
The worm fell into the foxes mouth.

The raven flew off disconsoletly. She mused to herself, "What difference would it have made whatever I said."

A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.

A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" – the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" – says the man. "Oh, what are you then? " The man says: - "I am a Saudi !"

The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of those cheap mood rings the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his bugger*ing forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

 
 

All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:                                                                

'I outlived the bitches.'




 

;D I like the mood ring one.

8 women and one man get rescued by a helicopter from the top of a burning building and are all holding onto a thin rope which can only withstand the weight of 8 people.
Realising that one must let go of the rope, the man gives a sensitive speech about his duty to sacrifice himself for the women.
At the end of his speech, the women all start clapping.

Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?



So she can moan with the other.

ITALIAN BOY'S  CONFESSION

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with  a
loose  girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano  ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I  can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'
Well,  Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell  me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa  Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry,  but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are  sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell  you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight  lipped,
and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.  You
cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and  behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco  slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five  good leads

Finally, a woman who understands....

---

Sprintcyclist wrote on Nov 6^th, 2008 at 9:19pm:

Finally, a woman who understands....

Abu's certainly nodding his head with approval.

as long as there are 4 of them, and one about 8 years old.

The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.  
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.  
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!  

Why ??? i
You can't killTwo Birds withOneStone?!!!

South park clip

not for the kiddies


http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=AqW0jziExyo

A visual comment on current Stockmarket volatility:

---

BEGGARS STORY



Parvinder and Habib are beggars.  They beg in different areas of   London .
 
Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects £2 to £3 every day.
 
Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
 
Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day.



Parvinder says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
 
Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.
 
Parvinder says 'No wonder you only get £2- £3
 
Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?
 
Parvinder shows Habib his sign....
 
It reads, 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan '.

THE NEW PASSWORD
 
A woman was helping  her husband set up his new computer, and at the appropriate time in  the process, told him he would now need to enter a  password..
Something he would use to log-on.
Her husband was  in a rather devilish mood and figured he would try for the shock  effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the  computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious  to his wife that he was keying  in:



P...

E...

N...

I...

S..

His  wife fell out of her chair laughing when the computer  replied:

***PASSWORD INVALID............NOT LONG  ENOUGH***

Went to a muslim birthday party the other day.
Well, there wasn't much enthusiasm for musical chair but boy, did we have a f***ing fast game of pass the parcel!!!

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a rabbi are discussing what they would like people to say after they die and their bodies are on display in open caskets.

Priest: I would like someone to say "He was a righteous man, an honest man, and very generous."

Minister: I would like someone to say "He was very kind and fair, and he was very good to his parishioners."

Rabbi: I would want someone to say "Look, he's moving."

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle" he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" said Saint Peter.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's knickers.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just how do those symbolize Christmas?"

The man replied, "They're Carols."

A western feminist visits Kabul shortly after the fall of the Taliban and is not pleased to find that women must walk 5 paces behind the men.

A year later she returns and is delighted to find that men must now walk 5 paces behind the women.

She asked the interpreter, "What brought about the change?"

He replied, "land mines".

My joke: Barrack Obama supporters.

http://images.chron.com/blogs/txpotomac/Obama%20fans%20in%20FW.jpg

And mine DT...

The Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gra organizer


http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb218/kranos360/hitler_maricon.jpg

Thats all well and good but we all know that the biggest joke here is you oceanZ.  ;D

DILLIGAF wrote on Dec 29^th, 2008 at 1:44pm:

Thats all well and good but we all know that the biggest joke here is you oceanZ.  ;D

aaww you feeling all left out phil..do you love me too?    :-*

What was the flipside to hate again..? Love??? or sumfin'?

oceanz wrote on Dec 29^th, 2008 at 5:40pm:

What was the flipside to hate again..? Love??? or sumfin'?

---

New years resolutions .........


Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
   
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and Grass. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
 
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
 
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
 
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
 
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
 
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!




Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
 
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
 
And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a ride'
 

AND.....


For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
 
2.
The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
 
3.
The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4.
The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
 
5.
The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Have a great week!

LOL. I don't think there are any guarantees in life - only probability, and when it comes down to it, we're all individuals with unique genetic backgrounds and unique life histories. We can predict for populations, but we can predict very little about an individual's life expectancy.

We all have different philosophies. I'll stick to mine. If I adopt yours, it's a bit like wearing somebody elses suit. Sometimes it fits, but there is no guarantee.

We all have to die some day. Me, I'd like to die in the peak of health, maybe during a street run or while kite surfing. I don't want to die after a long illness being attached to life support, or being cleaned every day because of incontinence. If I ever get to that stage, I'll find a way to end it all while I still can.

I'm not ready for it yet though, but ask me again when I'm 95. The trouble is that I'll probably want to put it off then because I'll still be having such a good time forgetting to act my age.

It's not the length of life that counts - it's the quality.

I exercise, eat vegetarian, don't drink, smoke, or do drugs - and I enjoy life to the full. - If the suit fits, wear it.

A short love story .........

"A man and a woman, who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying ... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight ... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.i




'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own smacking blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ......................he farted."

The End

Two Arabs are sitting in a Gaza Strip bar chatting over a pint of fermented goats milk. One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son, he is a martyr."

"You must be so proud," says the other.

"This is my second son. He is a martyr also."

"A fine looking young man," replies his friend.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab says wistfully, "They blow up so fast, dont they?"

Pakistani police have just finished counting all of the bullets in the Lahore terrorist attack.
The results were 7/366

:o Was that poor taste?

amadd - hahha, yes, it was
:-)

naked mole rat:

http://chasingdaisy.com/blogimages/naked_mole_rat.jpg

http://www.myspaceantics.com/images/funny/monkey-tattoo.jpg

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Membership Renewal

Dear David

This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.

All the best, Jeff Peters


From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Membership Renewal

Dear Jeff,

Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately. Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.

Cheers, Jeff


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Do I get free shipping with that?

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing. I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying. My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.

Cheers, Jeff


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals. I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back. He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Go f *ck yourself.

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse. As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your p#$%, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends. If I woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well. There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace. I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this may be worth a try.

Regards, David.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Ok.



From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

The middle one.  

Lol, ;D ;D ;D ;D, very clever, and funny.

I wonder if it is real responses from the gym guy, or or if it is all just a clever piece of writing?

Either way, a good laugh.

very funny...   ;D

I dont think you could make that up..

6 truths of life 1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue. 2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it. 3. And discover that the first truth is a lie. 4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot. 5. You soon will forward this to another idiot. 6. There's still a stupid smile on your face. I just had 2 read this so... here... pass it on fellow idiots lol

DIARY OF AN ENGLISH-MAN IN ADELAIDE, SOUTH AUSTRALIA




 
DIARY OF AN ENGLISH-MAN IN ADELAIDE, SOUTH AUSTRALIA
Just got transferred with work from grey old London to our new home in Adelaide, South Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days with warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home.
I love it here!!!

September 13/*
It’s really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in an air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car.  What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.  

September 30th/*
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th/*
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat?  At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than I expected.

October 15th/*
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th/*
Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning.  By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died - swollen up to the size of a shopping bag & stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes & cat poo. I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.  

October 25/*
This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant buggerin' blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from Sydney.  

October 30th/*
The temperature's is up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the buggerin' aircon.  Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Bloody $800,000 house and we can't even go inside.  Why the hell did I ever come here?  

November 4/*
Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30. Stupid repairman.

November 8/*
If one more buggerin’ smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?', I'm going to throttle him. buggerin' heat!  By the time I get to work, the car's radiator is buggerin’ boiling over, my clothes are soaking buggerin' wet and I smell like baked cat!  

November 9/*
Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol' car.  I thought my buggerin' arse was on fire. I lost two layers of buggerin’ flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my buggerin' arse.  Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked buggerin’ cat!

November 10/*
Weather report! It might as well be a buggerin’ recording.
Hot and sunny, Hot and sunny, Hot and buggerin' sunny!  
It's been too hot to do anything for two buggerin' months & the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.  Doesn't it ever rain in this damn place? Water restrictions are on, so my $5,000 worth of palms are drying up and blowing into the buggerin’ pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the buggerin' flies. Don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the buggers!  

November 20th/*
Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 buggerin' degrees today.  Now the air conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, “Hot enough for you today?” My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid buggerin’ little twit.. Bloody Adelaide! What kind of sick, demented buggerin' idiot would want to buggerin’ live here!  

December 1/*
WHAT THE bugger!!!! The first day of Summer!!!! You are buggerin’ kidding me!

Shortest joke:

Honest muslim.

Why did the surfer stop surfing ??



because the seaweed

What's brown and sticky ???????


A stick !!

First Irish Rocket to the Moon-


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nfz9O_mSY1U

May the 4th be with you.

Kiwis




A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy.
All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another
Australian visitor.

The barman says, 'You ain't from around here, are ya?'
The guy says, 'No, I'm from Canada .'
The bartender says, 'What do you do in Canada ?'
The guy says, 'I'm a taxidermist.'

The bartender says, 'A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do
you drive a tixi?'
'No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals.'

The bartender grins and yells, ' He's okay boys. He's one of us.'

A chinese guy walks into a downtown bar. Noticing that the bartender was black he says "Hey, gimme a jigger black person"
Shocked and offended the black bartender proceeds to tell him that talking to people like that is hurtful and it is not a polite thing to do.

The chinese man doesn't understand how it is that he did something wrong, so the bartender tells him to get behind the bar and pretend to be the bartender, and he will show him what it feels like to be called a racist name.
So the Chinese man gets behind the bar and the black guy walks out and walks back in, pretending to be a customer. He says "Hey, gimme a drink chink" to which the chinese man replied "So sorry, we don't serve n!ggers here"

Yo dog. I heard you like democracy!

http://www.digischool.nl/kleioscoop/founding%20fathers.jpg
So we made this constitutional republic so you could have democracy in your democracy, and vote while you vote!

Worlds biggest sinkholes


http://by143w.bay143.mail.live.com/att/GetAttachment.aspx?tnail=0&messageId=38ccc092-698a-4077-a530-10af8443a6b3&Aux=4|0|8CBB2CCFC3AC870|

http://by143w.bay143.mail.live.com/att/GetAttachment.aspx?tnail=2&messageId=38ccc092-698a-4077-a530-10af8443a6b3&Aux=4|0|8CBB2CCFC3AC870|

http://by143w.bay143.mail.live.com/att/GetAttachment.aspx?tnail=4&messageId=38ccc092-698a-4077-a530-10af8443a6b3&Aux=4|0|8CBB2CCFC3AC870|


http://by143w.bay143.mail.live.com/att/GetAttachment.aspx?tnail=6&messageId=38ccc092-698a-4077-a530-10af8443a6b3&Aux=4|0|8CBB2CCFC3AC870|

http://by143w.bay143.mail.live.com/att/GetAttachment.aspx?tnail=7&messageId=38ccc092-698a-4077-a530-10af8443a6b3&Aux=44|0|8CBB2CCFC3AC870|

WHERE?

I am afraid your images may have gone down a sinkhole.

Does Alan Jones' mouth count?

Or in his case perhaps we should be looking lower?
(That is below the belt, both figuratively, and anatomically)

Guy buys some golf balls at a sports outlet and runs to catch a bus, stuffing them into his pants pockets. He sits next to a blonde. The blonde is unable to take her eyes off the bulges. He notices her staring, and explains.

- golf balls?

The blonde looks confused, then after a minute or so asks -

-Is that as painful as Tennis Elbow?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A ventriloquist is performing his act on stage with his mannequin, telling one blonde joke after another.

Suddenly a blonde girl stands up outraged and shouts.

"This is disgraceful! You think all blondes are as dumb as that?"

The ventriloquist is taken aback and starts to apologise.....

but the blonde interrupts -
- I'm not talking to you!  - It's your little friend that has the attitude problem !!

Chrysler is the first auto maker to introduce hover technology market.
Fans of the 300C applaud the move, but complain the auto maker still needs to improve the 300’s interior.

http://www.chryslerweblog.com/images/uploads/floating_300C_01.jpg

pure gold:

http://www.27bslash6.com/

Jobless people seeking information about their benefits on the Brazilian Labour Ministry's website were forced to type in passwords such as "bum'' and "shameless".
An apologetic Labour Minister Carlos Lupi blamed a private company that created the site's security system.

http://www.theage.com.au/oddspot

Assalamu Alaikum!

Before coming to Islam I used to be a typical Western whore, that’s right, a slut!! I worked in a place where there were men and would wear short dresses, make up and clothing which revealed my arms and neck. I would even shake hands with the men and I dated my husband before we were married! I would go out of the house without my husband and even attend parties where alcohol was served and where men and women would mingle.

Recently my family and I have finally seen the light and heeded Allah’s call. I burned all my miniskirts, make up and books other than the Koran and poured the vintage wine and French perfume down the toilet. It nearly took all day to burn my collection of Cleo, Dolly and Cosmo magazines which date from the seventies.

We then rushed down to the nearest mosque and declared the Shahada. On the way back we stopped at a fabric wholesale outlet and I purchased 50 meters of thick, black fabric so that I can fully cover my offending body, face and hair in accordance to Allah’s law. I would not want to drive all the men in the neighborhood mad with desire and cause them to want to commit adultery!

All my son’s computer games, Pokemon cards and PS2 have also been burned, now he only watches Jihad videos, the ones showing the beheadings of the infidels are his favourites. We plan to sent him off to Saudi Arabia so that he can learn how to beat his wife correctly and be taught to recite the Koran in Arabic – so that Allah can understand him! He is thirteen years old, just the right age, any older and we would risk losing him to the Western decadent culture. We took our eleven year-old daughter out of school (luckily we got her out before they started the sex education classes) to marry her off to a good Muslim man – a mature man in the car export business with three other wives. That way she will be kept busy with household chores, yearly pregnancies and would be less likely to be corrupted by Western immorality. She will be getting her first period in her husband’s house – the way Allah intended.

My husband is on the lookout for three more wives so that ALL his needs will be fully catered for, while I am having my monthly pollution or recovering from the Koran-sanctioned beatings – sex can be awkward when your legs are in plaster and your jaws are held together with wires. He already approached the neighbors and asked if he could have their nine-year old daughter – that way he can guarantee that he will be getting a virgin, free from AIDS and be less likely to be tempted by Satan to commit adultery. Unfortunately the neighbors do not understand about Islam and have called the police, my husband is now under investigation. It’s terrible how the decadent Western society has no respect for the law of Allah and how Muslims are discriminated against when they want to practice their religion and culture. Satan is found everywhere: human rights conferences, refuges for battered wives, schools that teach evolution and sex education, police stations, video shops, nightclubs - just to name a few.

Two houses away from us live a family of unbelieving Vietnamese who persist with burning incense for their idols which are housed in a miniature shrine in their front veranda. We tried in vain to convince them to destroy those evil statues, one night we sent my son to sneak over and smash them up – the statues – he ended up being chased away by the husband who shouted insults at us in Vietnamese.

We have had enough of the intolerance, racism and persecution and are thinking of moving to Saudi Arabia, where Allah’s law reigns supreme and where we can live in total freedom!

Muslimah Jihadi

A duck walks into a pub and orders a schooner of beer and a ham
sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'But you're a duck'.

'I see your eyes are working', replies the duck.

'And you talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working', says the duck, 'Now can I have my beer
and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly', says the barman, 'sorry about that, it's just we don't get
many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road', explains the duck.

Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The Ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to
him

'You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just
brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!'.

'Sounds marvelous', says the ringmaster, 'get him to give me a call'.

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey
Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good
money!'

'Yeah?', says the duck, 'Sounds great, where is it?' 'At the circus',
says the barman.

'The circus?' the duck enquires.

'That's right', replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again.

'Yes' says the barman

'That place with the big tent?' the duck enquires.

'Yeah' the barman replies.

'With all the animals?' the duck questioned.

'Of Course' the barman replies.

'With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle', asks the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck looks confused.  .....

.



'What the f*ck would they want with a plasterer?'

Not all Virgins in Heaven are Young...or even Women
By Bargis Tryhol  

Tehran, Iran - Suicide bombers around the globe woke up with a real big surprise today. No, it wasn't the sound of their vests exploding, but it was just as startling for them considering the ramifications.

The Grand Ayatollah in Iran acknowledged that the '72 Virgins' waiting in Heaven for the any departed suicide bombers who has chosen martyrdom are not always young! He also added with a grimace that they also aren't always girls!

In a secretly taped conversation, the Grand Ayatollah confessed why he never took up the mantle of martyrdom. He explained that he knew a very old and closely kept secret.

It was then he revealed the truth about Heaven and the '72 Virgin' myth. He also elaborated that some of the 'Soldiers of Islam' that met their end in martyrdom will have to compromise their sexuality once in Heaven, since there is a surplus of virgin men there too.

He added, 'Maybe the Great Prophet can mix them up so everyone gets a little of each!"

Soren wrote on Oct 20^th, 2009 at 8:55pm:

Not all Virgins in Heaven are Young...or even Women By Bargis Tryhol   Tehran, Iran - Suicide bombers around the globe woke up with a real big surprise today. No, it wasn't the sound of their vests exploding, but it was just as startling for them considering the ramifications. The Grand Ayatollah in Iran acknowledged that the '72 Virgins' waiting in Heaven for the any departed suicide bombers who has chosen martyrdom are not always young! He also added with a grimace that they also aren't always girls! In a secretly taped conversation, the Grand Ayatollah confessed why he never took up the mantle of martyrdom. He explained that he knew a very old and closely kept secret. It was then he revealed the truth about Heaven and the '72 Virgin' myth. He also elaborated that some of the 'Soldiers of Islam' that met their end in martyrdom will have to compromise their sexuality once in Heaven, since there is a surplus of virgin men there too. He added, 'Maybe the Great Prophet can mix them up so everyone gets a little of each!"

No! So let me get this straight - these suicide bombers are more than likely somebody's bitch?

http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au/common/imagedata/0,,6977156,00.jpg

Three year old boy, in the bath, examining his testicles.
"Mum, are these my brains?"
Not yet, dear."

Charlie bit me


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_OBlgSz8sSM

Remix..



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pOle1AnPOc4&NR=1

The Booze Bus



Two indigenous Australians were driving their old Ford Falcon in the outback recently, when off in the distance they saw a police "booze bus".  
Rather than trying to avoid it, the driver headed straight for it.
As they pulled up, the driver wound his window down and said 'G'day, brudder! Two cans of Emu Export, thanks!'
The copper glared at him and said 'You must be drunk! Get out of the car and blow into this tube for me!'
The driver said 'Sorry boss, I can't blow in that... I got a letter from the doc saying I'm asthmatic and I'll pass out if I blow in that.'
The cop smirked and said 'OK - In these cases, we require you to give a blood sample.'
'Nah, nah - sorry, boss,' replied the driver.  'Can't be doin' that. Got a letter from the Red Cross sayin' I'm a haemophiliac, and I could bleed to death if I gave a blood sample. Sorry, boss, can't do that!'

By now the copper was getting very irate, and so he demanded that the driver provide a urine sample for testing.
The driver shook his head and said 'Sorry boss, can't do that either.'
The copper protested 'Surely you haven't got a letter for that!!!'
'Bloody oath, mate!' says the driver, 'It's from Harry Connick Jr -  and he says that  you whitefellas can't take the piss out of  us blackfellas no more!'

Must Read for Every Man and of course Woman (to understand man)


'One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out,an angelappeared and asked, 'Why are you crying?'

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

Theangel went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. 'Is this your axe?' theangel asked.

The woodcutter replied, 'No.'

The angel again went down and came up with a silver Axe. 'Is this your axe?' the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, 'No.'

Theangel went down again and came up with an iron Axe. 'Is this your axe?' the angel asked.

The woodcutter replied, 'Yes.' The angel was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to
keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, theangel
again appeared and asked him, 'Why are you crying?'

'Oh angle, my wife has fallen into the water!'

Theangel went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE 'Is this your wife?' the Lord asked.

'Yes,' cried the woodcutter.

Theangel was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!'

The woodcutter replied, 'Oh, forgive me, angel. It is a misunderstanding.  You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ . Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife . Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. angle, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE .'

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it! - 'WE ARE HONORABLE MEN!!!!!!'

During a Tax Department audit, the auditor looked at the tax payer and exclaimed...

... "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Tax Office finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's accountant as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's accountant moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the accountant. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he was so clever, that he could come into your office and pee all over your desk, and you'd be happy about it.

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman are having tea.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"



She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the
Head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?',  the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

The wife replied - 'Your horse phoned'
 

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party.  

Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.  

And, next to them, a single red rose!!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye in the bathroom mirror. < BR>
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey,breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.  I love you, darling!  Love, Jillian.'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.  

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating...

Jack asks, 'Son, what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'

Confused, he asked his son,

'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean?  

I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,

'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!''

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99
Hot Breakfast: $9.20
Two Aspirins: $0.12

Saying the right thing at the right time......

PRICELESS

The Wise Old Indian Chief
http://www.jokesy.com/images/indian-chief-where-did-the-white-man-go-wrong.JPG




Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white U.S. government official,

'You have observed the white man for 90 years.
You've seen his wars and his technological advances.
You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied,
'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.
Women did all the work, Medicine man free.
Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled,
'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.

nice!

Every picture tells a story  ;)

---

An American tourist in the German countryside walks past a man urinating against a wall.

She says: Gross!
The man replies : Danke!

I could say, '42'.

But instead, i will give you this image, which clearly explains the meaning of 'religious' existence [as perceived by atheists].


http://img1.visualizeus.com/thumbs/08/09/02/atheism,funny,jesus,poster,religion,stupid-3d5472d1118af053d3ca5b4f08464d1c_h.jpg
http://img1.visualizeus.com/thumbs/08/09/02/atheism,funny,jesus,poster,religion,stupid-3d5472d1118af053d3ca5b4f08464d1c_h.jpg


You see, now isn't that very logical?      :P

God, he's such a kidder, isn't he.

A Merry Christmas, to all of you atheists.           ;)

muso wrote on Dec 26^th, 2009 at 9:06am:

An American tourist in the German countryside walks past a man urinating against a wall. She says: Gross! The man replies : Danke!

LOL, LMAO

Ya gotta laugh don't ya?

Was going to post this on the ISLAM board, but then i thought, Nah, abu will just take offence and delete it.




+++++++

Something in the last sentence, just for us Aussie's.



Press Release:  Union Negotiations

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.    General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."

Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good, fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.

Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that........it's too much to swallow".

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.

Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, North Kent and the entire Australian continent stated that this would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".

Tim Minchin - "Angry (feet)"

Hilarious ;D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-lktd1OBHVI

Scene - The waiting room at the maternity ward

A Nurse walks out and says to Mr Jones, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"

Mr Jones replies, "Wow - what a coincidence!  I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.

A few minutes later, the same nurse enters the waiting room and announces that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets.

Mr. Smith stands up and says, "Well, how about that?  I work for  3M."

The guy sitting next to him then gets up and starts to leave with a worried look on his face.

When the nurse asks him why he was leaving, he replies, "I think I need a breath of fresh air - I work for 7-UP."

my new car


http://www.productioncars.com/send_file.php/amc_pacer_rear_blue_1976_a.jpg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZfbTlYpKYo&feature=player_embedded

;D

http://www.gunaxin.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/how-to-hang-toilet-paper-4.jpg

http://www.gunaxin.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/how-to-hang-toilet-paper-3.jpg

http://www.gunaxin.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/how-to-hang-toilet-paper-2.jpg

http://www.gunaxin.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/how-to-hang-toilet-paper-1.jpg

http://www.gunaxin.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/how-to-hang-toilet-paper.jpg

British Humour
>
>      The train was very crowded, and a weary looking U.S. Marine
> walked the entire length looking for a seat,
>
>      but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged
> French woman's poodle..
>
>      So the war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
>
>      The French woman just sniffed loudly, and said to no one in
> particular, 'Americans are so rude.
>
>      Can't he see that my little Fifi is using that seat.'
>
>      The Marine shrugged and walked the entire length of the train
> again, but still the only seat left was under that dog.
>
>      'Please, ma'am.  May I sit down?  I'm really very tired.'
>
>      Nose in the air, she snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude,
> you are also arrogant!'
>
>      This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the
> little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
>
>      The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American
> should be put in his place!'
>
>      An English gentleman sitting nearby had witnessed the whole
> episode so he spoke up, and addressing the Marine, said :
>
>      'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong
> thing.
> You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
>
>      You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir,
> you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.'
>
>
>

A Greek man and an Italian man were arguing about which of their countries was superior, covering many fields like the Olympics, art and music.

Eventually, in a bold assertion of superiority the Greek said

The Greeks discovered sex…..we are superior

The Italian replied
Yes, but we discovered how to do sex with women

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKQ5AHpj5vw

Yadda wrote on Dec 30^th, 2009 at 11:12am:

Ya gotta laugh don't ya? Was going to post this on the ISLAM board, but then i thought, Nah, abu will just take offence and delete it. +++++++ Something in the last sentence, just for us Aussie's. Press Release:  Union Negotiations Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife. The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.    General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth." Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?" Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good, fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden. Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that........it's too much to swallow". Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren. Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, North Kent and the entire Australian continent stated that this would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".

Thye way of the future: all 72 virgin in one!
Headline: 240 kg woman gives birth. Now look at the picture below. What are your first thoughts?

Guys?  :D (maaaan, imagine ... oh, never mind)

Gals?   8-)  (atta girl, you go!)

---

http://twitter.com/Shitmydadsays

"I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. %#&!*% that. I'm old. I'm through moving %#&!*%."


"A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face.. My point? You have an ingrown %#&!*% toenail. Stop bitching."


"Remember this: you're just a lucky %#&!*% guy. If people start telling you your dick looks bigger, remember that it's not."


“You look just like Stephen Hawking...Relax, I meant like a non-paralyzed version of him. Feel better?... Fine. Forget I said it."


"Son, no one gives a %#&!*% about all the things your cell phone does. You didn't invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that."


"Oh please, you practically invented lazy. People should have to call you and ask for the rights to lazy before they use it."


"You worry too much. Eat some bacon... What? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon."

Quote:

Headline: 240 kg woman gives birth. Now look at the picture below. What are your first thoughts?

The food cravings would be a real bitch for the hubby at one in the morning.

"Honey, I feel like some steak. Could you nip down to the all night deli and pick me up a cow? In fact, you'd better make that two."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zgu96y6o5No

8-)

Despicable racists, stereotyping of whitey! How very dare they?!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLWWFU7r2K0

Quote:

Despicable racists, stereotyping of whitey! How very dare they?!

Truly, the manufacturers of FAIR & HANDSOME have found the solution to all racial prejudice .

Quote:

240 kg woman gives birth. Now look at the picture below. What are your first thoughts?

Well it may be a bit on the distasteful side but, I always wonder how people this size deal with the mechanical problems of daily life, like washing, or going to the loo, I mean do they have a telescopic arm tool to reach around to places long since inaccessible by conventional means.

Which also brings the mechanics of how she fell pregnant to mind as well, images of men with torches on their helmets, and ropes slung over their shoulders springs to mind.

The human body has an interesting design. No matter how much fat is added to it, it can still be manouvred into a position where the genitals are accessible for reproductive necessities.

No pictures please.

Patient: Give it to me straight, Doctor.
Doctor: Well, I’m afraid you’ve got Tom Jones Disease.
Patient: Tom Jones Disease? What’s that? I’ve never heard of it. Is it common?
Doctor: Well, it’s not unusual.

YOU MAY BE A ISLAMIC IF...


1.... You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

 

2.... You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
 

3.... You have more wives than teeth.
 

4.... You wipe your bum with your bare hand, but consider bacon "UNCLEAN".
 

5.... You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
 

6.... You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
 

7.... You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
 

8.... You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
 

9.... You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
 

10.... You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

Indian Racism in Australia

http://www.ozpolitic.com/forum/YaBB.pl?num=1264249831/0

Why Indian Students are disliked abroad. ..... .......?

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:?'Patrick Henry, 1775'he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F ___ the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese  Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little poo. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh poo, we're screwed!' And Chandrasekhar  said quietly, 'I think it was Lehmann Brothers, November 4th, 2008'.

A Muslim concept of the Stone Age:

---

muso wrote on Mar 28^th, 2010 at 10:08am:

A Muslim concept of the Stone Age:

;D ;D ;D

OMG, I can see her ankles!

North Korea: Not so bad?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8sFz9MONoSE

I mean this is certainly better than the highly commercialized pop-music that we listen to here.

Australia Post created a new stamp displaying a picture of the current PM of Australia, Mr Rudd and has recently suspended a recall of the stamps as requested by the PM after a special commission enquiry finding.

  http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:WyIs0jB-Y0YlyM:http://patterico.com/wp/wp-


The  PM was told that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes and the enraged  PM  demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and spending of $1.73 million, a special commission presented the following findings:
1)  The stamp is in perfect order.
2)  There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
3)  People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.

Now if they can just make the sheets a little larger, sorbent could be onto a real winner.

Sprint, someone seems to have spat on the right side of the one in the picture.

Oh, sorry. That's his face.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VhgSSZLMWPY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPgm69pMRUU

Alf for prime minister.

I just thought this was cute.

---

There was a building being built beside a monastry.
One of the nuns was becoming distressed at the language coming from the workers, so she made a plan.

She went over there one lunch time with her lunch to share lunch with them.
They all sat down, the guys were a bit surprised and said nothing.
She gulped and stammerred " Does anyone here know jesus?"

"Nah"
"not me"
"never heard of him"

Silence

One guy yelled to someone on the floor above "Hey Joe, You know Jesus ?"

"NAH", came the yell back.

"Well, if you see him, tell him some shelias's got his lunch down here for him !"

Quote:

BRYAN DAWE: Your subject is the Rudd Government. Your time starts now. When did the Rudd Government come to power? JOHN CLARKE: 1962. BRYAN DAWE: No, 2007. JOHN CLARKE: Quite recently. BRYAN DAWE: Had was the under Government going to govern for? JOHN CLARKE: For Australians working families. BRYAN DAWE: Correct. What are Australian working families? JOHN CLARKE: Australian working families. BRYAN DAWE: Yes. Who are they? JOHN CLARKE: All Australian working families. BRYAN DAWE: Yes, but what are you talking about? JOHN CLARKE: This answer will benefit all Australian working families. BRYAN DAWE: Correct. Who has used the term "working Australian families" more than Kevin Rudd? JOHN CLARKE: Julia Gillard. BRYAN DAWE: Correct. JOHN CLARKE: What is my score JOHN CLARKE: Nambour High. BRYAN DAWE: Correct. BRYAN DAWE: Who is the Environment Minister? JOHN CLARKE: Depends. BRYAN DAWE: Correct JOHN CLARKE: Who is the Indigenous Affairs Minister. BRYAN DAWE: No idea JOHN CLARKE: Knowledge correct. BRYAN DAWE: Who is the broadcasting minister JOHN CLARKE: Kerry Stokes. BRYAN DAWE: No Stephen Convoy. JOHN CLARKE: I hope Kerry Stokes has been made aware of that. BRYAN DAWE: Yes, he okayed it. What is an internet filter? JOHN CLARKE: Something that fails the filter the internet. BRYAN DAWE: Correct. What does the Rudd government do when something is in the too hard basket?. Commission as report. BRYAN DAWE: Can you be more specific? JOHN CLARKE: Commission as series of reports and gives them to John Faulkner. BRYAN DAWE: Correct. What was the purpose of the first home buyers scheme? JOHN CLARKE: No, put house prices up. BRYAN DAWE: No listen the question Percy. What was the purpose of the first home buyers scheme? JOHN CLARKE: The opposite. To encourage young people to get into housing market. BRYAN DAWE: Other than the language we normally hear from Kevin Rudd what other language does Kevin Rudd speak? JOHN CLARKE: English. BRYAN DAWE: Correct. What is the greatest moral challenge of our time? JOHN CLARKE: Parking. BRYAN DAWE: Correct. What is the Rudd's government refugee policy? JOHN CLARKE: Keep them out and let them in. BRYAN DAWE: You have a surplus of whoops! JOHN CLARKE: Really. I still have my house.

http://www.abc.net.au/7.30/content/2010/s2898956.htm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2l34-tMSFoE&feature=player_embedded

We haven't had any Shrek in a long time. We have not had the Shrek.

This guy is a comedic genius.

Gawd .. thanks for the laughs guys lol :))))

The controversy over full-body scanners at the airports...

Best idea I've heard of in years.


Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports.  Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.

It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling, and this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial.  Justice would be quick and swift.  Case Closed!

This is so simple that it's brilliant.  I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system,

"Attention standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight number 397 to Atlanta".

A bloke has been in his local pub for a while off and on.
Another local there has been boasting about the twins he is bedding.
Sometimes one of the twins, sometimes another .

the guy is envious and sick about hearing of his drinking buddys sexual exploits.

"So, how do you know which twin it is you have in bed with you?", he asks .
"That's easy, the guys got a moustache", comes the reply.

Q. If you put a big condom on a big c*ck and a small condom on a small c*ck, What do you put on a soft c*ck?

A. A NSW football jumper.

The REAL reason why Kevin Rudd was dumped:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ipvdBnU8F8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ipvdBnU8F8

Ok so it's not really funny .. but what a joke eh!

A construction boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came Paddy.

"You gotta pass my test first", says the boss.
"Here's your first question."

"Without using numbers represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?"  says Paddy. "Tis too easy to be shure," and proceeds to draw 3 trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Well, tree and tree and tree make nine," says Paddy.

"Fair enough," replies the foreman. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture of the three trees and makes a smudge on each tree. "Tere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of de trees is dirty now! So dirty tree and dirty tree and dirty tree. Tis 99!"

"All right. Last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

Paddy stares into space again, then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "Tere you go. One hundred!"

The foreman looks at the attempt. "How in the world does this represent a hundred?"

Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says,
"A little dog come along and cr@p by each tree, so now you've got dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and turd, and dat make one 'undred.

So when do I start work?"

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked 'Say, Father, what causes arthritis?'

'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath.'

'Well, I'll be damned,' the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

Lobo wrote on Jul 19^th, 2010 at 7:05pm:

A construction boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came Paddy.

;D

Three Irishmen were being interviewed for an underground Coal mine. The first one goes in and after a short interview he emerges with a sullen look and he provides some advice to him mate Shaun:  

- If he asks how deep you've worked, tell him really really deep

So Shaun goes into the interview room and the interview is going quite well until they ask  him how deep he has worked in his previous employment.

- Oh I worked 20 foot down on one job. he replied.

So after being told that they were looking for experienced miners rather than ditch diggers, he emerges from the interview room to advise Paddy.

- If they ask how deep you've worked, tell them it was very very very deep

So now it's Paddy's turn. The interviewer asks him the same question again, and Paddy has a think about it for a few seconds then he replies:

- Oh that would be about eh 5 miles, sur.

The interviewer is amazed

- You worked 5 miles underground? Well that's pretty good. How on earth did they manage to supply light and air 5 miles down?

- Oh sure, but we didn't need any light. I just worked dayshift.  

Bejabbers and Bejazus

To be sure, to be sure.

That bloody Paddy really gets around, doesn't he??

:D :D ;D ;D

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Daily Newspaper in Shepparton, Victoria and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Curtis & Leroy replied, “Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Leroy said, "We shore can!  Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the local grocery store and asked.

"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset.  So we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the Gillard government.

They're financial advisers to Wayne Swan.



Limit all Australian politicians to two terms.

One in office

One in prison

Some real good ones in here .. I should print them out lol :)

Just felt I had to share.

:D :D :D :D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCVL9vTM_yU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCVL9vTM_yU

;D ;D ;D ;D

Q.  In rugby union terms, what do you call a lesbian scrum ?

A.  A block of flaps.

Got my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week and recently got my daughter an iPod for hers. I was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for my birthday. So I went out and got my wife an iRon for hers. It was around then that the fight started......

I've  been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,  but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second  grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I  loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my  students. It helps them get over shyness and usually,  show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model  airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I  never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they  want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're  welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a  very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to  the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her  sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This  is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his  birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol  of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and  Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella  cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the  pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my  camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in  amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom  starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand  behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like  an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck  walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife.  She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like  the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like  this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the  wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water  she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and  spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs  spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too  much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,'  and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got  past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was  covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's  play-centre, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside  there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling  up in there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big  theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the  loudest. Ever  since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my  camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes  along.

Now you have two choices...laugh and close  this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs.  I know what I did!!!

Live every day as if it is your  LAST chance to make someone happy!



 

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.  

He replied, "She is called Five Horses."
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean... NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

I love Japanese people

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJMepmfOgU0

Bogans of today evolved beyond stunned mullets

http://www.couriermail.com.au/news/sunday-mail/bogans-of-today-evolved-beyond-stunned-mullets/story-e6frep2f-1225953040665

IME was when you could pick a bogan easily: Barry - or Bazza - had a mullet haircut and wore a wife-beater singlet and you'd spot him leaning on his ute swigging a VB in between yelling at the missus Sharon - or Shazza.

But no longer. According to the authors of a new book, the 21st century bogan is a much more complex character, not conforming to class or income brackets - and the species is proliferating.

While the bogan of old was harmless and generally happy to sit at home with a coldie, the modern version is mobile, has money and aspirations - lots of aspirations.

You may work alongside them, live among them. You will certainly rub shoulders with them in the shopping mall. And, horror of horrors, you may even share some features with them.

The book, Things Bogans Like sprang from a satirical website of the same name. The anonymous authors say defining today's bogan requires more careful study of what they say, do and - above all - buy.

To help you identify them, we present an A to Z guide, based on excerpts from the book. But be warned, this could lead you to discover the bogan within.

A.  ADHD: While the bogan parent is always eager to acquire cheap glory, it is vehemently unwilling to accept responsibility for the conduct of bogan junior, despite little Bilynda and Maxxx setting fire to the upholstery in the formal dining area. Using the same mental shortcut that caused it to decide that it had a spurious gluten allergy, the bogan will loudly and arbitrarily announce that its recalcitrant offspring has ADHD. At this point, the bogan parent feels relieved and reassured that none of this mess is their fault.

B.  Buddhist home furnishings: No longer is the bogan confined to decorating its home with HSV wall clocks and novelty stubby-holders. What better way to announce one's entry into the knowledge economy than by purchasing a Buddhism-themed figurine, statue or water feature from the garden section of Kmart?

C.  Celebrities: The bogan is of the opinion that years of work, skill and sacrifice aren't really the key things behind success . . . all that is really required is for the bogan to loudly announce a desire to be a celebrity.

D.  Discount airlines: The bogan is no longer restricted to holidaying within a five-hour Commodore journey of its nest. But it expects celebrity service at bargain prices. If the discount flight is 30 minutes late, a small cluster of bogans can be seen gesticulating maniacally at the service desk. The bogans' flat nasal yowl reverberates across the departure lounge, prompting other bogans to begin howling like a neighbourhood of cross-eyed dogs. Due to incidents such as this, the Bali to Brisbane Jetstar flight on Sunday afternoons has come to be known as the ''bogan bus''.

E.  Enormous prams: Mumma Hummers, as they are affectionately known, are the armoured tanks of the baby transport world. These giant infant carriers ruthlessly dominate every footpath, zebra crossing and foodcourt aisle that they happen to rumble across. For while the bogan mother is walking a child instead of a pit bull, she desires to intimidate all the same.

F.  Franchises: The bogan has standards - standards that can only be met when the front of the shop has a familiar logo that the bogan has seen in other suburbs and towns too. For while each bogan is a unique snowflake, franchises allow them to be as precisely unique as each other.

G.  Going to work in the mines: While in a remote area of Western Australia, the bogan will ply his modest skill set, earning in excess of $500 a day. This financial windfall opens the glittering door to hyper-bogan consumption. Within months, he is playing GTA on his new 125-inch full HD, 3D, LED TV, ripping doughnuts in his shiny Chevrolet ute and drinking phenomenal amounts of locally-brewed Stella Artois.

H.  Hot Asian Chicks: If the illegal fishing boats full of Afghani immigrants that wash up on Ashmore Reef were full of hot Asian chicks . . . hordes of bogans would be strapping long-range fuel tanks and floral bouquets on to their jet-skis and trying to intercept the vessels themselves.

I.  Interest-free, no-deposit: Maintaining an appropriately fashionable abode with massive TV screen and loud home-theatre system is an expensive task. Thankfully, the proprietors of equally massive retailers such as Harvey Norman saw a hole in the market. So now, Bogan dreams can be fulfilled, by getting free stuff. Sure, they had to sign a few forms before being allowed to leave, but so what?

J.  Joining the army (not): Perhaps the most devoted bogan love is talking about joining the army. For there is nothing conceivably more maxtreme than talking about shooting an xtreme gun, in xtreme temperatures, in countries and terrain that it is xtremely unaware of . . . once its back recovers.

K.  Kids' names: Rather than actually bestowing their newborn with a genuinely one-of-a-kind name - or at least uncommon one - the bogan merely takes a common one, then misspells it. Ever met a Hayleigh? A Breeyanah? A Kayleb? These kids will be spelling out their names to all and sundry for the next 80 years.

L.  Literally: As in ''It was so hot yesterday, I was literally on fire'' or ''I literally died crossing the road this morning''.

M.  McMansions: The average size of new homes in Australia grew by 40 per cent between 1985 and 2003 as the bogan became aware that it ''deserved'' a formal living area, a rumpus room, a parents' retreat, an en-suite, a study, a formal lounge and a large void near the stairs. A home that, at first glance, looked reminiscent of a celebrity home.

N.  Number plates: Because the bogan has more personality than the rest of us, it requires more canvases upon which to portray its traits. One of these is the lower back, but another important one is the number plate of the bogan's car. The message usually refers to the car's ability to attain speed, or the alleged importance or desirability of its owner.

O.  Overseas travel: Thailand is close enough for the bogan to leave its nest at dawn, read the latest movie adapted to a novel, or watch Anchorman and land in time to be slurping from a bucket by evening. Safely ensconced in a Phuket tourist resort or Australian-themed bar, the bogan can drink near-toxic amounts of cheap beer, get bronzed, eat spring rolls, adorn itself with braids, tramp stamps or tribal tattoos, and watch Anchorman again.

P.  Patriotism: To the bogan, buying Aussie-made is the retail equivalent of wearing a flag cape and punching on at the Big Day Out  totally maxtreme true blue. In the tradition of co-opting symbols it doesn't fully understand, the bogan tatt du jour is the Southern Cross, or ''Aussie Swazie''. The bogan believes Australia has a monopoly over a constellation that is visible from about 50 other countries the bogan has never heard of.

Q.  The Qur'an (or Koran): The bogan will tell people that the Qur'an binds all Muslims to a thing called ''Shania's Law'' which compels them to spread chaos and oppression throughout the globe. This, the bogan believes, has all been in order to attain maxtreme quantities of virgins in the afterlife and it is highly suspicious as it wants its virgins right away.

R.  Reality TV: Some analysts thought reality TV would be a brief fad but they failed to understand the bogan's bottomless need for validation and glitz. And because it's bogan versus bogan, the bogan always wins.

S.  Self-help books: Bogans love shortcuts, be they get-rich-quick schemes, examining a limited number of habits of ''highly effective'' individuals, or simply seeking an effortless strategy to living superbly. This makes the bogan a prime culprit for the burgeoning self-help publishing industry and intellectual cretins/life coaches/gurus who model themselves on Anthony Robbins.

T.  Tans: Many bogans turned to tanning lounges in the 1990s but the message of young melanoma victim Clare Oliver got through to many. The shift in bronzing tastes coincided with a proliferation of spray tans, creams and lotions. These come with the promise of transforming pale bogans into the colour of ''ethnic'' people they do not like. This oddly contradictory aspirational racism is rarely effective, though, with the bogan ending up a blotchy shade of orange.

U.  Underbelly: It had crime, it had violence, it had drug use, it was based on some semblance of fact, it was on commercial TV and it was absolutely loaded to the brim with heavily stylised semi-explicit sex scenes and exposed breasts. It was, in short, the televisual equivalent of bogan heaven.

V.  Vampires: The female bogan desires nothing so much as xtreme romance. While she often tells her disapproving friends that despite the tribal tatts and glass-induced facial scarring, her man is ''a real sweetie underneath'', the vampire is a representation of the fantasy that her muscle-bound neolith can't live up to.

W.  WAGS: There is a celebrity that appeals even more greatly to the bogan than the footballer or cricketer: Their girlfriend. The femme-bogue decides that becoming a WAG is her calling; her destiny. This results in weekly pilgrimages to weekend haunts known for containing athletes, where the femme-bogues stalk their prey with a single-minded, ruthless determination. By the end of the night, the female bogan has passed out in a tangle of arms, legs, sequins and shame.

X.  Xmas sales: The bogans surge, foaming at the mouth and desperately snatching any item within a two-metre radius of a sign saying ''(up to) 70 per cent off''. Skinny bogans wriggle between the fat ones, tall ones reach over the top, and the fat ones jut their ample rumps outwards to create a quivering exclusion zone around the precious discounts.

Y.  Your favourite bar: Once content with glassings and gropings to a Top 40 remix soundtrack at high capacity beer barns, the bogan now has an inkling that it is missing out on something. The bogan will learn of the non-bogan's favourite bar when the trashmedia report that an actor from Underbelly went there once.

Z.  Zoo Weekly: Having initially conceded to his girlfriend's refusal to have the magazine in the house, the bogan was sent to the 7-Eleven to purchase a Diet Coke. At the fridge, the male bogan spied the promotional placard: ''500ml can of Mother and copy of Zoo Weekly for only $6.''  His relationship was doomed.

http://static.funnyjunk.com/pictures/dickens3.jpg

Couldn't find a picture of the donkey mascot... The Dicken's Cider Ass.

donkey mascot????

An indigenous australian woman was pregnant. She decided to have an abortion.
So the abortion went ahead, 5 weeks later she got a cheque for $5000 from the Australian Government.
Thinking it was an error about the child bonus scheme, she rang up the phone number provided.
The voice answered the phone "Crime Prevention Unit here."

Two Irish fellows were waiting for a bus .
A truck went past loaded with rolls of lawn turf .
Paddy turned to Mick and said
" I'm going to do that when I win the lotto"
"Do what Paddy ? "

"Send me lawn out to be cut"

They were funny, any more?

Not a joke but a teaser.

Hope someone can work out how it works.

I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THIS WORKS BUT WORK IT DOES!


Worked for me every time... SPOOKY!!!   [smiley=embarassed.gif]

http://milaadesign.com/wizardy.html

John S wrote on Nov 27^th, 2010 at 8:17am:

Not a joke but a teaser. Hope someone can work out how it works. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THIS WORKS BUT WORK IT DOES! Worked for me every time... SPOOKY!!!   [smiley=embarassed.gif] http://milaadesign.com/wizardy.html

Yes, I have seen that before.
The symbols allocated to the numbers change each time.
But there is a common symbol.
And that is the one that relates to the "use" of the mathematical equation.

Much like the "trick" or twist with the number 9.

Or try this one:

1. Grab a calculator (You won’t be able to do this one in your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area code-if your number is 01-123-4567, the 1st 3 digits are 123)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2

Do you recognize the answer?

Or try this:

http://www.digicc.com/fido/

Or this one:

CHOCOLATE MATH - 2010

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (try for more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1760 ; If you haven't, add 1759

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born

You should have a three digit number

The first digit of this was your original number (i.e. how many times you want to have chocolate each week)

The next two numbers equal your age

Question:      If Kevin Rudd,   Wayne Swan, Bob Brown and Julia Gillard took a boat ride outside the Barrier Reef and the boat sank, who would survive?

Answer:      Australia ;D

JC Denton wrote on Nov 17^th, 2010 at 7:08pm:

donkey mascot????

Yeah, the Dicken's Cider Ass

A dark and stormy night

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty Hill were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway.  It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts,"Hello My name is Bob Hill and this is my wife Betty Hill. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
 
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone..

My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare an infusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob Hill  and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace... He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch a movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up .!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory,  bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master! .....
The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

 

At the end of a tiny deserted bar in Darwin sat a huge aboriginal man.

He was having a few beers when a short well dressed, and obviously
gay, man walked in and sat beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the aboriginal.

Leaning over, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"

At this, the massive aboriginal man leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the poo out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool.

He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, leaving him
bruised and battered in the parking lot, before returning to his seat.

Stunned, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the aboriginal , and said "I've never seen you react like that before, what did he say to you?

"I don't know," the Aboriginal replied. "Something about a job."

A chicken was lying back in bed, smoking a cigarette with a satisfied look on his face, while the disgruntled looking egg next to him says;
"well that settles that question then!"

Last Tuesday Julia Gillard got off the helicopter in front of the Lodge carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The security guard said: "Nice pigs, Prime Minister."

Gillard replied: "These are not just ordinary pigs. These are authentic Glen Innes Longhairs.

I got one for Treasurer Wayne Swan and I got one for Finance Minister Penny Wong."



The security guard said, "Excellent trade, Prime Minister."

Here's a nice picture.

Does anybody see a woman?

---

Maybe the picture is too far away.


Now, does anybody see a woman?

---

I guess not.

---

It's amazing what you can do with a blurry photo hey?

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the Australian Capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason.

They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in Canberra.

A search for a Virgin continues.

There was no problem, however, finding enough donkeys to fill the stable.

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Larry’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going.

Larry’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Larry sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

“Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?”

“Well, I’ve been here since yesterday.

Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, ‘Guess who?’”

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over.

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

And then she said, “Do what ever you want.”

So, Here I am.

truly hilarious indeed

nichy wrote on Dec 22^nd, 2010 at 12:36pm:

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the Australian Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in Canberra. A search for a Virgin continues. There was no problem, however, finding enough donkeys to fill the stable.

Yer obviously a Member of the LNP!

;)

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while ‘the lights would turn off.’

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.’

‘Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !

She went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand.  Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?’

‘Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender, ‘Would you like a drink?’

‘No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,’ said the puzzled nun.

‘You see,’ laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?’

A bloke walks into a brothel and says: "I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?"
The madam replies $60.
"Wow, what do I get for that," he says.
She says: "A baggy green cap and an Australia Cricket shirt.

John S wrote on Jan 10^th, 2011 at 12:50pm:

A bloke walks into a brothel and says: "I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?" The madam replies $60. "Wow, what do I get for that," he says. She says: "A baggy green cap and an Australia Cricket shirt.

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange
noises coming from the bedroom.   She rushes upstairs only
to  find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and
panting.

'What's up?' she asks.  

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband..  

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just
as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up and says,
'Mummy! Mummy! Aunty Shirley is hiding  in your wardrobe
and she's got no clothes on!'

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs
into the bedroom, right past her husband,  rips open the
wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally
naked and cowering on the floor.  

'You stupid 'Bitch', she screams.  

'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running
around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. And, though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last three decades. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their car crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes, freshly pressed, in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now." The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

The old man looked out the window and saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. "What are the green fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day - any starting time you wish."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages and a fountain of champagne. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the couple. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.

"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!" The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your smacking fat-free bran muffins. We could have been here twenty years ago you bitch!"

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.


The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob  and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"


Bob said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."


The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."


Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!


Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.


The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."


Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied,
"I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again."


Bob took the money.

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..                  

                                                                           

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.                                                                  

                                                                           

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.        

                                                                           

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.                                              

                                                                           

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that  rises into the clouds.                                  

                                                                           

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds and comes to a room where he meets another bearded man.                                                      

                                                                           

He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"                                        

                                                                           

"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."                                

                                                                           

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.                                                          

                                                                           

Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"                          

                                                                           

"No, I am Jesus. You will find Mohammed higher up."                        

                                                                           

Mohammed higher than Jesus!                                                

                                                                           

The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.                                                                    

                                                                           

Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:                                                      

                                                                           

"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his  climbing.                                            

                                                                           

"No, my son. I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a   coffee?"                                                                  

                                                                           

"Yes, please, my Lord."                                                    

                                                                           

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out,                      

                                                                           

"Hey, Mohammed! Two coffees!"                                              

                                                                           

                                                         

For more politically incorrect jokes...

It's one of my favourites, (some are a bit revolting, quite allot actually)...but for those of you with a warped sense of humour there are some gems there.

http://www.sickipedia.org/getjokes/random

8-)

A recent study asked a group of women if their c**ts twitched after sex.


98% said "No, he just lays there scratching his balls"

___________________

Sorry, I know this is incredibly rude and sexist,  I'm sure Giz will love it...

;)

I was sitting watching the tennis the other day when the doorbell rang.  On answering the door I found a young Jehovahs Witness chap so I invited him in and when he sat down I asked what he wanted to talk about.  
"Buggered if I know" he said,  "I've never got this far before".

There's an old saying:
An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

But given most doctors seem to be Muslim these days,  I find that bacon is far more effective.

_____________________

I like to annoy Muslims by asking them if Mohammed is their Christian name.  ;)

A woman was enjoying a drink after an enjoyable roundof golf with her girlfriends.
"Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time! I have to get home and fix dinner for my husband! He'll be so pissed if it's not ready on time."

When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a
wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food.

With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food,
stirred in the egg,  garnished it with the lettuce leaf and piled it on some toast

She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in  horror as he sat down to his dinner.

To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.

"Darling, this is the tastiest  dinner you've made me in 40 years of
marriage! You can make this for me any day?"

Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish.

She told her golf partners about it, and they were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed!?

Two months later, the husband died.

The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, " see you did kill him!  We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in!  How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the
windowsill while he was licking his arse.

haha, nichy, but you would be surprised at what an Iron chef can do with a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food.

;D

In honour of the new Australian Prime Minister, I went to KFC and ordered 'The Gillard'
they gave me 2 small breasts, 2 big thighs all in a red box.

ABC News: Julia Gillard is Australia's first ever woman prime minister,
as they show film of her drinking guinness and playing pool.....

so it's an aussie bloke in a bad suit then?

The Banker

A rich man was dying and on his death bed called for his priest, his doctor and his banker.

When they came he told them all he was giving them each $50,000 and wanted them to throw it on his coffin as he was buried.

After the funeral they retire to a bar and are chatting.

The priest is agitated and finally blurts out, "I must confess, I only threw half the money on as the church roof needed repairs."

The doctor said, "Well since we're confessing I also only threw half the money in as I gave half of it to The Red Cross as they needed it for helping with a catastrophe."

The banker looks at both of them with haughty disdain, "I think that's disgraceful. I, of course, threw in a check for the full amount."

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside.

"Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome  plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But Grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna DA business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.

Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to your watch and say 'Time's up !”

Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive another 'Economic
Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very excitingprogram, and I'll explain it by
using a Q & A format:


Q.  What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.


Q.  Where will the government get this money ?

>From taxpayers.


Q.  So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A.  Only a smidgen of it.


Q.  What is the purpose of this payment ?

A.  The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q.  But isn't that stimulating the economy of  China   ?

A.  Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Aust.  Economy by
Spending your stimulus check wisely:


If you spend the stimulus money at Coles,  the money will go to  China   or  Sri Lanka .


If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.


If you purchase a computer,  it will go to  India ,  Taiwan   or China .  

If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to  Mexico ,  Honduras and
Guatemala.

If you buy an efficient car, it will go to  Japan   or  Korea .

If  you purchase useless stuff, it will go to  Taiwan .

If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead,  keep the money in  Australia by:

1)  Spending it at garage sales, or

2)  Going to the footy , or  

3)  Spending it on prostitutes, or  

4)  Beer or  

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only Australian businesses still operating in   Australia   )

Conclusion:
Go to a footy game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a garage-sale and drink beer all day !


No need to thank me,  I'm just glad I could be of help.

The Psychiatrist and  Proctologist

Two doctors,  a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a  small town and put up a sign reading:

"Dr. Smith and Dr.  Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."

The town council  was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read,  "Schizoids and Haemorrhoids."

This was not  acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they  changed the sign to "Catatonics and High  Colonics."  

No go.

Next, they tried  "Manic Depressives and Anal  Retentives."  

Thumbs down  again.

Then came "Minds  and Behinds."  

Still no  good.

Another attempt  resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt  Holes."  

Unacceptable again!

So they tried  "Analysis and Anal Cysts."  

Not a chance.

"Nuts and  Butts?"  

No way.

"Freaks and  Cheeks?"  

Still no  go.

"Loons and  Moons?"  

Forget it.

Almost at their wit's  end, the doctors finally came up with:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

Everyone loved  it.

I got pulled over by the Cops the other day with my girlfriend in the car.

He walks up, looks in and takes a long look at my girlfriend, then looks at me and says "Sir, have you been drinking?"

I said "Come on man she's only a little overweight by she's not that fat."

Ps - dont tell above joke to wives/girlfriends/potentials

Verge wrote on Mar 9^th, 2011 at 3:47pm:

I got pulled over by the Cops the other day with my girlfriend in the car. He walks up, looks in and takes a long look at my girlfriend, then looks at me and says "Sir, have you been drinking?" I said "Come on man she's only a little overweight - she's not that fat." Ps - dont tell above joke to wives/girlfriends/potentials

Very funny for a Libbo.   ;D

A man applying for a job at a Mildura Lemon Orchard seemed to be far
too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: Have you had
any actual experience in picking lemons?"


He replied: "I've been divorced three times, bought a Leyland P76, a
Beta video player and took up all the Telstra floats. Then I voted for
John Howard 4 times.

"How am I doing so far?"

Bobby. wrote on Mar 9^th, 2011 at 4:52pm:

Verge wrote on Mar 9th, 2011 at 3:47pm: I got pulled over by the Cops the other day with my girlfriend in the car. He walks up, looks in and takes a long look at my girlfriend, then looks at me and says "Sir, have you been drinking?" I said "Come on man she's only a little overweight - she's not that fat." Ps - dont tell above joke to wives/girlfriends/potentials Very funny for a Libbo.   ;D

It's funny because it's true....  :-? ... well, you know, almost!

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************

[u]FEMALE PROCEDURE:[/u

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two. One to screw it in, and the other to say "Fabulous!"

I really like the ATM one!

My son just drew my attention to this: -


Quote:

What to do when you're bored on an elevator. 1. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you. 2. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more. 3. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cellphone and ask if they know what floor you're on.   4. Swat at flies that don't exist. 5. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!!" 6. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?" 7. Sit down, take your shoe off, and ask people if they'd like to play 'Spin the bottle'. 8. Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they hear something ticking. 9. Ask if you can push the Burton for the other person, but push the wrong ones. 10. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers. 11. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 12. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on." 13. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space!" 14. Make a loud fart sound then exclaim, "Was that you?! There's no way I could do that one because unfortunately mine don't come out loud." 15. Before the elevator door opens shout "DING!" and then laugh and say, "Beat you again Mr. Elevator." 16. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally. 17. Take your dog, wear sunglasses and repeatedly walk into the walls whilst pretending to not hear the other passenger's direction.   18. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!" 19. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi, Greg. How's your day been?" 20. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!!" and back away slowly.

wrote on Mar 10^th, 2011 at 9:17pm:

A man applying for a job at a Mildura Lemon Orchard seemed to be far too qualified for the job. The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?" He replied: "I've been divorced three times, bought a Leyland P76, a Beta video player and took up all the Telstra floats. Then I voted for John Howard 4 times. "How am I doing so far?"

I dont get it - the P76 wasn't all that bad a car

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p0LvKg5aCG0&feature=player_detailpage#t=4s

Nichy,  I just watched that video and had tears running down my face by the time it ended.  

oh, that was very good !!!!!!!!!!!!

If you wanna get a good amount of jokes: visit "Rainy Funny Fridays" upon "Hanging on the Deco Bar" via the "Dive Oz" Forum.

A Scotsman, an Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, a Kiwi, a Malaysian, a Springbok, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Norwegian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss all went to a nightclub....



The doorman said ........................



"Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai"

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated,
"You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.

A man walks into a bar and orders a Bin Laden

Bartender asks, what’s a Bin Laden?

Man says 2 shots with a splash of water.

Don't know if this one has been posted, as it's an oldie but a goodie.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
An old woman lived alone in her home with her cat. One day, she was rummaging through the attic and she came across a lamp. She rubbed it and out popped a genie from the lamp.

"Your wishes are my command. You have three wishes. Use them wisely."

"Oh dear, three wishes...I don't know...I wish I was rich."

"Your wish is granted." Poof, suddenly the woman was surrounded by gold, silver and riches of all kinds.

"Oh dear, second wish - let me see." She thought long and hard and said, "I wish I was a young and beautiful woman again to enjoy these riches."

"Your wish is granted." Poof, the old woman was transformed into a stunning beauty but as she looked around, she suddenly realized that she was beautiful and rich but very all alone.

The genie said, "C'mon lady, I don't have all day. One wish left, make it good."

"Oh my, I wish my old and faithful cat, Buddy, was a handsome young prince."

"That's it, last wish coming right up." Poof and the genie vanished.

The woman turned and standing behind her was Buddy - her faithful companion through the years who was now a handsome young prince. Buddy took her in his arms, inhaled the sweetness of her youth, kissed her tenderly on the cheek and whispered in her ear,

"Now, aren't you sorry that you had me neutered?"

creep wrote on May 8^th, 2011 at 3:04pm:

Don't know if this one has been posted, as it's an oldie but a goodie. ----------------------------------------------------------------- An old woman lived alone in her home with her cat. One day, she was rummaging through the attic and she came across a lamp. She rubbed it and out popped a genie from the lamp. "Your wishes are my command. You have three wishes. Use them wisely." "Oh dear, three wishes...I don't know...I wish I was rich." "Your wish is granted." Poof, suddenly the woman was surrounded by gold, silver and riches of all kinds. "Oh dear, second wish - let me see." She thought long and hard and said, "I wish I was a young and beautiful woman again to enjoy these riches." "Your wish is granted." Poof, the old woman was transformed into a stunning beauty but as she looked around, she suddenly realized that she was beautiful and rich but very all alone. The genie said, "C'mon lady, I don't have all day. One wish left, make it good." "Oh my, I wish my old and faithful cat, Buddy, was a handsome young prince." "That's it, last wish coming right up." Poof and the genie vanished. The woman turned and standing behind her was Buddy - her faithful companion through the years who was now a handsome young prince. Buddy took her in his arms, inhaled the sweetness of her youth, kissed her tenderly on the cheek and whispered in her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry that you had me neutered?"

Very funny.

A traveller through England on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification.  
Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home, but was stopped by the Australian Customs Agents, at the airport.

"May I  see your identification, please?" asked the  agent. "I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the bloke.

"Sure   mate, I hear that every day. No ID, no  entry," said the agent.
"But I can prove I'm  an Australian!" he exclaimed.
"I have a  picture of Bob Hawke tattooed on one  side of my arse and Paul Keating on the other.."

"This I gotta see”, replied the agent. With that, the bloke dropped his
strides and showed the agent his behind.

"By hell, you're  right!" exclaimed the agent.  "Have a safe trip back to
Melbourne ."

"Thanks!" he said."But  how did you know I was from Melbourne ?"

The agent  replied, "I recognized Gillard in the  middle."

http://d3uwin5q170wpc.cloudfront.net/photo/109636_700b.jpg